She nodded. “That’s the definition of love, you know. That the person is with you and stays by your side in spite of the ugliness—and that you do the same. He’s not perfect, either, as I’m sure you are well aware.”
I shook my head. “I did terrible things to him.”
“Such as…?” she raised her brow.
My breath faltered. “I left him. I was angry—I—I didn’t know how to deal with how he was acting. So I didn’t tell him about the cancer—I thought I was protecting him but it was just easier that way. Easier for me to stay inside myself, to not have to rely on anyone.”
“But you can’t be sick and not rely on those closest to you. You had to accept help.”
I rubbed my temples. “The craziest part is that I had to force myself—even at my sickest. I have all these people around me who love me, who want to help me, and yet I refuse to let them. And because of that…”
“You made some bad choices. So did he.”
I put my face in my hands. “But it’s all my fault.”
“You see what you are doing there, don’t you? You won’t even let people in on their share of the blame. It’s rather narcissistic when you think about it, to assume that all that has happened to you was caused by your actions alone. But that’s human nature, too. Because to seek out the blame for the chaotic events in our lives, we hope that it’s because we have some modicum of control over things we just don’t have control over.”
“I haven’t had control—” My words cut off in a sob.
“It’s no wonder that Heath compared your reaction to this to what happened to you in high school. That was another instance where you had no control over what was happening to your body. Now this, the cancer, the chemo, the pregnancy, the abortion…”
My breath left me and I sat back, dazed. “I had a choice. I ended it.”
“Was it really a choice, though? You did what you had to do to survive.”
I shook. “I don’t think our relationship can withstand something like this.” There was a long pause while she just looked at me, expected me to go on. I took a deep breath. “I don’t understand how he could love me anymore,” I said in a tiny voice.
“He loves you because he doesn’t blame you.”
“He said he’s afraid to touch me.”
She nodded. “Sounds like he’s indulging in his share of the blame game, too. And your job is going to be to help him understand that…once you get over your own guilt.”
I looked at her through a shaky, tear-stained smile. “Can I put you in my pocket and keep you with me for a while?”
She smiled. “What you can do is bring him up to meet me some day. If he’s okay with that.”
***
Days later, out in the paddock, I had my own sort of epiphany as I watched Rusty with her three-month-old colt, Silver. I studied them together. Trotting around, side by side. Sometimes he’d dart out in front of her, head high and proud of his independence but always casting an eye back at his mama. And Rusty never let him get too far, sometimes scolding him with a light nip or flick of her tail.
My throat tightened up as I watched them and I let myself feel what I hadn’t allowed myself to feel in months—the mourning, the loss, what could have been. The tears came and I didn’t stop them. Not this time. I couldn’t shove those feelings away any longer.
I wrote in my journal every day. I poured out every thought, every emotion. More often than not, I wrote in it more than once a day, going back to it when a stray thought flitted through my mind. It felt freeing to let out everything that I’d been keeping inside.
I also Skyped with my friends. Jenna and Alex filled me in on the goings-on from the South Coast. Heath called me every few days to check up on me and I had a chance to videoconference with Kat.
“So we all went out for pizza the other night…”
“Really? Did you have fun?”
“Hmm. Well, it was a big group. Most of us had fun. Jenna and William were at each other’s throats again about some obscure game I’d never even heard of before. Those two just need to fuck and get it over with. And then Heath and Adam wandered off somewhere for an hour.”
I tensed at the mention of Adam and she noticed. “Oh—yeah, sorry I forgot to tell you that. Heath and I twisted his arm to come out with us. We had to go get him at his office and force him under threat of exposing game secrets to the world.”
“You didn’t! You held the secret quest hostage?”