“If your mom was still alive, your parents would still be together, probably.”
“Yeah.” I echoed. “Probably.”
My mom…
The hole suddenly doubled in size.
“If your mom was still alive.”
“Sorry.” He grimaced, shaking his head. “You get sad whenever your mom is mentioned.”
I gripped the ends of my shirt. “I see.” My voice was hoarse. A boulder sat on the top of my throat, blocking my airway.
That fucking hole. I began itching there, right next to my heart.
“Aw, shit.” He moved around in his seat again to face me. Leaning forward, his elbows rested on his knees. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Then why did you?”
He clapped his hands together, and the side of his mouth crinkled in. His eyes found me—those chocolate brown ones I always used to wish would look at me the way they were right now.
“My mom and dad hated each other most my life. I knew they were going to get a divorce, and I wanted it. The fighting would stop then, you know? But if I had my ultimate dream, they would’ve been like your parents. Love, happiness, normal amount of fights. That type of bullshit. I wish I had it.”
“I’m sorry?”
Kevin laughed, straightening in his chair. “Don’t worry about it. This is a Matthews thing. It’s not your problem. My mom shouldn’t have involved you.” He grew thoughtful, and the side of his mouth lifted. His right dimple showed, blinking at me. “Plus, you were probably busy with Caden, right?”
Was he kidding, or was that genuine? I wasn’t following at all. He ripped that hole back open. I frowned, remembering when the gnawing pain had first appeared. It had been before him. Before I met Sheila. Even before my mom died.
My mom. That hole was my mom.
Kevin stared, not saying a word. I felt like he was deciding what to say, and right then, the air shifted. An intimate vibe filled the room. It made my insides clench, and my stomach started to churn.
I was in pain.
I felt like my organs were being crumpled into tiny pieces. Someone’s hand was in there yanking them out and crushing them before dropping them on the floor.
He murmured, almost too softly for me to hear, “What if I told you I was jealous of Caden? Would that be a problem?”
I didn’t respond, but his words were in me, and they were bouncing around. They mingled with Caden’s parting words. “That was before I fell in love with you.”
I wasn’t hearing Kevin anymore. I could only hear Caden’s voice, and feel that hole. I felt my mom. She was everywhere. She was nowhere. She was inside me, beside me. She was being buried. The alarm that sounded when her heart flatlined was deafening.
My mom was gone, and I’d never dealt with it.
I’d pushed it off for so long. I’d pushed her off, and now she was back. That hole was gaping wide, oozing, and she was overwhelming me. I couldn’t see. Tears began to fall, and I stepped backward. “I’m going to leave.”
“No.” Kevin got to his feet. His arm shot out, like he was going to grab me, but his hand just hung there. “Don’t go. I’m sorry if I pushed. I shouldn’t have.”
I edged backward. “I don’t like this.”
“Don’t go. Please, Summer.”
I shook my head, pulling my shirtsleeves over my hands. I clenched them tightly, straining my shirt over my shoulders and chest. “Stop it,” I shook my head, seeing her next to me. In front of me. Her eyes were too knowing, but too damning at the same time. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Summer.”
I kept edging away until I was at the door. Kevin reached for me. His mouth moved, but it wasn’t him I heard. It was my mom.
I shook my head even harder, like I could banish her away with the motion. I couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with this. I choked on a sob, feeling my knees bend. I was going to fall, and then it would be over. She’d be in me again. I’d never be able to not feel her again.
“No,” I whispered.
“Summer.” I turned to see it there again—that same look in her eyes. They were Kevin’s, but it was her. She was looking at me through him.
I shook my head. “Stop it.”
“Summer.”
He was touching me. No. She was touching me.
I was having a breakdown. A small part of my mind was telling me this. I had put off grieving her, and now she wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t let me go, not anymore. Then I was falling.
Arms caught me. Tears wet my cheeks, and suddenly I felt a soft touch on my cheek. Someone brushed my hair back from my face. I looked up. It was my mother. She’d caught me, and she was crooning to me. Everything was going to be all right.
Everything was going to be all right.
CADEN
I tried to tell myself I needed something from Phillip, and that was why I was in the basement. It wasn’t because his room was next to Matthews’, or because Summer was in there at the moment. None of those things. I really did just need the stapler.
I hated this.
This girl, she got inside of me. She wound me up, and I hated it.
I hated how I felt for her, and missed her, and wanted her with me no matter where we were. I hated everything about it because of how fucking exposed she made me feel.
As I came downstairs, I heard the crying first. He’d hurt her. I was going to rip him apart, but I stopped in the doorway. I couldn’t unsee what lay before me. Kevin cradled her, and she grasped onto him like he was her lifejacket.