But I saw only gentleness in the faces of both men. Godwin was again weeping.
"Oh, that I have caused you pain, I am so sorry," he said to my father.
"Caused me pain, you dog!" my father said. With difficulty he recovered his chair and sat down again, trembling violently. "You have sinned against my house. You sin now against it. Get out of it. Go."
But what surprised everyone at this moment of passion was that Rosa came into the room and in a clear voice asked her grandfather to please say nothing more.
Now with twins, even identical twins often are not doublets in heart and soul. As I've already hinted to you, one can be more inclined to directness and to command than the other. So it was with my daughters, as I've said. Lea behaved always as if she were younger than Rosa; Rosa it was who often decided what they would do or not do. In this she resembled me as much as she resembled Godwin. She resembled my father as well, as he was always a man who spoke with force.
Well, forcefully, Rosa spoke now. She said to me in the gentlest yet firm manner that she wanted to go to Paris with her father.
At this Godwin and Nigel were both deeply moved, but my father was speechless and bowed his head. Rosa went to him, and wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him. But he would not open his eyes, and he dropped his walking stick and balled his fists on his knees, ignoring her as if he did not feel her touch.
I tried to give him back his walking stick as he was never without it, but he had turned away from all of us, as if coiled into himself.
"Grandfather," said Rosa, "Lea cannot bear to be separated from our mother. You know this, and you know that she would be afraid to go to a place such as Paris. She's fearful now of going with Meir and Mother to Norwich. I am the one who should go with Br. Godwin. Surely you can see the wisdom of this and that it is the only way for all of us to be at peace."
She turned and looked at Godwin, who was regarding her with such loving-kindness I could scarcely bear to see it.
Rosa went on, "I knew this man was my father before I ever saw him. I knew that the Br. Godwin of Paris to whom my mother wrote with such devotion was in fact the man who had given me life.
"But Lea never suspected, and now wants only to be with Mother and with Meir. Lea believes what she would believe, not on the strength of what she sees, but what she feels."
She came to me now and put her arms around me. She said to me gently, "I want to go to Paris." She frowned and seemed to be struggling to form her words, but then she said simply, "Mother, I want to be with this man who is my father." She kept her eyes on me. "This man is not like other men. This man is like the saintly ones." Here she referred to those strictest of Jews who try to live entirely for God, who keep Torah and Talmud so totally that they have acquired with us the name Chasidim.
My father sighed and stared upwards, and I could see his lips moving in prayer. He bowed his head. He stood up and made his way to the wall, turning his back to all of us, and he began bowing from the waist as he prayed.
I could see that Godwin was overjoyed at this decision on the part of Rosa. And so was his brother, Nigel.
And it was Nigel who spoke now, explaining in a low respecting voice that he would see that Rosa had all the clothing and all the luxuries that she could possibly need, and that she would be educated in the finest convent in Paris. He had already written to the nuns. He went to Rosa and kissed her and said, "You've made your father very happy."
Godwin appeared to be praying, and then he said under his breath, "Dear Lord, you have placed a treasure in my hands. I promise you that I will safeguard forever this child, and that hers will be a life rich in earthly blessings. Please, Lord, grant her a life of spiritual blessings."
At this I thought my father would lose his mind. Of course Nigel was an Earl, you understand, and had more than one estate, and was used to being obeyed not only by his household but by all his serfs and everyone who encountered him. He didn't realize how deeply his assumptions would offend my father. Godwin saw the picture, however, and again, as he had before, he went down on his knees to my father. He did it with utter simplicity as though it were nothing for him, and what a picture he made there in his black habit and sandals, kneeling before my father and pleading with him to forgive everything and trust that Rosa would be loved and cherished.
My father was unmoved. Finally with a deep sigh he gestured for everyone to be silent, because by this time Rosa was pleading with him, and even the proud but gentle Nigel was begging him to see the fairness of it.
"The fairness of it?" my father said, "that the Jewish daughter of a Jewish woman should be baptized and become a Christian? Is that what you think is fair? I should see her dead before such a thing should be allowed to happen."
But Rosa, in her boldness, pressed close to him and wouldn't let him take his hand from hers. "Grandfather," she said,"you must be King Solomon now. You must see that Lea and I are to be divided, because we are two, not one, and we have two parents, a father and a mother."
"It's you who have made the decision," my father said. He was speaking wrathfully. I never saw him so angry, so bitter. Not even when I had first told him years ago that I was with child had he shown such anger.
"You are dead to me," he said to Rosa. "You go with your mad and simpleminded father, this devil who worked his way into my confidences, listening to my tales and legends and would-be instruction, all the while he had his wicked eye on your mother. You go ahead, and you are dead to me and I will mourn for you. Now leave my house. Leave it and go with this Earl who has come here to take a child from a mother and grandfather."
He left the room, easily finding his way out, and slammed the door behind him.
In that moment I thought my heart would break, that I would never know peace or happiness or love again.
But something occurred then, which affected me more deeply than any spoken words.
As Godwin stood and turned to Rosa, she slipped into his arms. Irresistibly she was drawn to him, and lavished her child-like kisses on him, and laid her head on his shoulder, and he closed his eyes and cried.
I saw myself in that moment, as I had loved him years ago. Only I saw the purity of it, that it was our daughter he held close to him. And I knew then that there was nothing I could or should do to oppose this plan.
Only to you, Br. Toby, do I admit this, but I felt a complete release. And in my heart I said my silent farewell to Rosa, and my silent confirmation of love for Godwin, and I took my place at Meir's side. Ah, you see how it is. You see. Was I wrong? Was I right?