"But he was a fag, " I blurt out.
"No, he was not, Patrick," she says, clearly offended.
"I'm positive he was a fag." I start nodding my head.
"Why are you so positive?" she asks, not amused.
"Because he used to let frat guys - not the ones in my house - like, you know, gang bang him at parties and tie him up and stuff. At least, you know, that's what I've heard," I say sincerely, and then, more humiliated than I have ever been in my entire life, I confess, "Listen, Bethany, he offered me a... you know, a blow job once. In the, um, civics section of the library."
"Oh my god," she gasps, disgusted. "Where's the check?"
"Didn't Robert Hall get kicked out for doing his thesis on Babar? Or something like Babar?" I ask. "Babar the elephant? The, oh Jesus, French elephant?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Listen to me," I say. "Didn't he go to business school at Kellogg? At Northwestern, right?"
"He dropped out," she says without looking at me.
"Listen." I touch her hand.
She flinches and pulls back.
I try to smile. "Robert Hall's not a fag - "
"I can assure you of that," she says a tad too smugly. How can anyone get indignant over Robert Hall? Instead of saying "Oh yeah, you dumb sorry bitch" I say soothingly, "I'm sure you can," then, "Tell me about him. I want to know how things stand with the two of you," and then, smiling, furious, full of rage, I apologize. "I'm sorry."
It takes some time but she finally relents and smiles back at me and I ask her, once again, "Tell me more," and then, under my breath, smiling a rictus at her, "I'd like to slice open your beaver." The chardonnay has mellowed her, so she softens and talks freely.
I think about other things while she describes her recent past: air, water, sky, time, a moment, a point somewhere when I wanted to show her everything beautiful in the world. I have no patience for revelations, for new beginnings, for events that take place beyond the realm of my immediate vision. A young girl, a freshman, I met in a bar in Cambridge my junior year at Harvard told me early one fall that "Life is full of endless possibilities." I tried valiantly not to choke on the beer nuts I was chewing while she gushed this kidney stone of wisdom, and I calmly washed them down with the rest of a Heineken, smiled and concentrated on the dart game that was going on in the corner. Needless to say, she did not live to see her sophomore year. That winter, her body was found floating in the Charles River, decapitated, her head hung from a tree on the bank, her hair knotted around a low-hanging branch, three miles away. My rages at Harvard were less violent than the ones now and it's useless to hope that my disgust will vanish - there is just no way.
"Oh, Patrick," she's saying. "You're still the same. I don't know if that's good or bad."
"Say it's good."
"Why? Is it?" she asks, frowning. "Was it? Then?"
"You only knew one facet of my personality," I say. "Student."
"Lover?" she asks, her voice reminding me of someone human.
My eyes fall on her coldly, untouched. Out on the street, music that sounds like salsa blares. The waiter finally brings the check.
"I'll pay for it," I sigh.
"No," she says, opening her handbag. "I invited you."
"But I have a platinum American Express card," I tell her.
"But so do I," she says, smiling.
I pause, then watch her place the card on the tray the check came on. Violent convulsions seem close at hand if I do not get up. "The women's movement. Wow." I smile, unimpressed.
Outside, she waits on the sidewalk while I'm in the men's room throwing up my lunch, spitting out the squid, undigested and less purple than it was on my plate. When I come out of Vanities onto the street, putting on my Wayfarers, chewing a Cert, I murmur something to myself, and then I kiss her on the cheek and make up something else. "Sorry it took so long. Had to call my lawyer."
"Oh?" She acts concerned - the dumb bitch.
'Just a friend of mine." I shrug. "Bobby Chambers. He's in prison. Some friends of his, well, mainly me, are trying to remount his defense," I say with another shrug, then, changing the subject, "Listen."
"Yes?" she asks, smiling.
"It's late. I don't want to go back to the office," I say, checking my Rolex. The sun, setting, glints off it, momentarily blinding her. "Why don't you come up to my place?"