Ava took her brother’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Stop, Brant. I’m not telling you this to heap guilt on your head. I became such an expert at pretending to be okay that I can’t blame people for believing it. You and I both know that I’m a hell of a saleswoman, and I applied that same principle to my personal life. I sold everyone, even myself at times, on the illusion that I was fully recovered from what happened to me and that I was living my life. The scary part is that I don’t know how long I would have continued to do that if not for Mac shaking me up. If he hadn’t decided to move on with his life, I might never have been brave enough to admit that I needed and loved him.”
“I should have seen through it, though,” Brant agonized. “You’re my sister, and damn it, deep down inside, I knew you weren’t okay!”
A part of her wanted to be mad at Brant for wanting to avoid talking with her all these years about her rape, but would it have changed anything really? Most likely she would have brushed him off completely had he tried or given him a bunch of false reassurances. If she harbored ill will toward anyone, it was their grandfather. He had been her authority figure back then and had been the one to make her feel as if she needed to pretend that nothing had ever happened. She, Brant, and Declan had just taken their cues from him. He wanted it all to go away, and that was what had happened, at least on the surface. No matter how hard it would have been for them to handle, she knew now that if she had told either of her brothers that she was drowning, barely keeping her head above water most days, they would have dropped everything to help her. But she hadn’t, and they had accepted her facade as truth.
“We did as we were told,” she whispered. “I just wish you had given me Kevin’s letter years ago when you received it.”
Brant jumped to his feet, a pulse ticking visibly in his jaw. “Why? His apology means nothing, Av. I didn’t want to upset you over something that was completely inadequate. An apology doesn’t make what he did to you okay. The only reason I kept the damn thing and passed it along to Mac was that I was afraid he would try to contact you in another way when he didn’t receive a reply. I asked Mac to keep track of him, so I wanted him to be aware.”
Stung again by Brant’s decision to keep the letter from her, Ava took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. “No, the apology from Kevin wouldn’t have made what he did all right, but the rest of the letter would have helped me in a way.” Looking down at her hands, she admitted, “I’ve always wondered if it was my fault. You know, did I lead him on or give him the impression that I wanted what happened? I’ve run through that night in my head over and over. When Granddad refused to let the police handle it, I felt like I was guilty. It made me feel dirty, as if I had somehow done something to make Kevin believe that we would have sex. But in the letter, he said that he had been drinking and doing drugs. He said he was so out of it that he didn’t know what he was doing that night. He took the full blame for his actions instead of trying to put it back onto me.”
Brant wilted back into the chair next to hers looking spent. “I just . . . I never thought that maybe you needed to hear what he had to say. In my eyes, there was never a question that any woman would be to blame for something like that happening to her. But I should have thought, with the way things were handled, that you might need any type of closure that you could get. Fuck, Av, I’m so sorry. You’re right; I should never have kept that from you. At the time, I thought I was protecting you, but now I see that I was just continuing to believe everything was just perfectly fine when the proof that it wasn’t was right under my nose.”
Ava stood, moving to Brant’s side. Then she did something that she didn’t do nearly enough; she wrapped her arms around her brother and held on tight. After a brief moment of hesitation, Brant pulled her into his arms, nearly squeezing the breath out of her. He murmured his apology against the top of her head before kissing her gently on the temple. “I love you, my overbearing brother,” she joked to lighten the mood.
His eyes looked suspiciously moist as he replied, “I love you too, sis.” When she pulled back and returned to her own chair, he gave her a crooked grin. “So, you and Mac . . . finally?”
The usual feelings of heat raced through her body as she thought of the man she loved and how she finally had a chance of a real future with him. Alongside those feelings was also anger that he too had kept Kevin’s letter from her. Even though he had to know from their recent conversations that the information it contained would have helped her to have at least a shred of resolution to the trauma. It also made her wonder if he had been keeping anything else from her for what he thought was her own good. Brant felt so guilty about the letter that he would have confessed already if he was aware of anything else concerning Kevin. She gave Brant a rueful smile, admitting honestly, “Mac and I have some things to discuss. We do love each other, but it can only work if we’re equal partners in our relationship. I can’t be the woman who he’s always trying to save anymore.”
“Av, don’t be mad at him over this. Declan and I have depended on him for far too long to watch over you, something we should have been doing ourselves. He’s loved you since we were all kids, and in a way, what happened to you hit him hardest of all. I think he always felt like he let you down by not being there to prevent it.”
“That’s crazy.” Ava sighed. “There is no way he could have known. He told me, though, how hard it was for him afterward. I never thought about what it must have done to him, to find me that way.” Looking at her brother intently, she said, “So much has happened between Mac and me through the years, do you think we can ever have a normal relationship? I know he loves me, and I love him, but in the end, is it enough to overcome the baggage between us?”
Brant shifted in his chair, clearly uncomfortable. Ava hid a smile, knowing that her unflappable brother wasn’t one to normally discuss romantic relationships. Just when she thought he would try to change the subject, he ran a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up in all directions. “Av . . . we both know that I suck at this sort of thing, but I will tell you this. I almost lost that woman in the other room, who probably has her ear against the wall listening to us, by trying to deny what I felt for her. The Stones seem to have problems expressing themselves and God forbid you throw in some crazy and unpredictable emotion like love. I let myself believe that I was confused over my feelings for Alexia because it gave me a reason to distance myself from Emma. I almost lost her before I finally accepted what was right in front of me. I know Declan was all over the place as well when he was falling in love with Ella. Maybe you and Mac have things that you need to settle between you, but don’t lose sight of how you feel about him. That’s the most important thing.”