“Calm down, baby,” Nix says, pulling her down to sit on his lap.
“Don’t tell me to calm down. Stop telling me to calm down all the time,” she growls and I’m not sure what is happening between them but I’m not used to seeing it.
“Kadence, calm down.” Nix’s tone is darker this time; he means business.
She stops and looks down at him. “Shit, sorry,” she shakes her head, catching herself.
“Jeez, the honeymoon really is over,” Jesse jokes at their little episode, trying to ease some of the tension swirling around us. Something isn’t right. I look over at Sy and catch his gaze; he looks just as shocked as me.
“Sorry, I’m just tired.” She waves it off, leaning into Nix to kiss him. “The flight took it out of me,” she recovers, back to her usual self.
“You sure you’re okay?” Nix whispers but we can all hear it.
“It’s probably the baby,” Z announces across the table, rendering everyone silent.
“What baby?” Kelly’s excited voice fills the shocked room.
“Shit,” Kadence curses as her panicked eyes come to mine.
“You’re having a baby?” I ask on a whisper, trying to keep my voice level and not show the pain I’m suddenly feeling.
“Um, yeah, we only just found out yesterday,” she quietly admits. The table erupts in congratulations while I slowly wrap my head around it. I don’t know how to respond to her news. The pain I have been feeling has slowly started to fade with time, but at her news, a new ache grows. Is it jealousy?
“I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you tonight, alone—”
“I’m so excited,” I cut her off. Not wanting this to become something more than what it has to be, especially in front of Sy. This would be the worst time for him if this were to come out.
“I just didn’t want you to find out like this.” She rises from Nix’s lap and comes to stand near me.
“Am I missing something?” Jesse asks and I look around, horrified that everyone has zoned in on my reaction. “Why does it matter so much to Holly if you’re having a baby?” he asks the seemingly obvious question. Why does it matter? It doesn’t. I’m fine, I tell myself.
“Jesse,” Nix warns, but I can already see it dawning on Sy’s face.
Shit.
“What the hell is going on?” Red calls from the door, not clued in on the tension buzzing in the backcourt of the Rebels Clubhouse.
“Nothing, Dad. Take Z inside for me,” he says while I try to get my head around what might possibly be coming out right now. I just need to get up and walk inside, away from this, my brain tells me.
“I’m okay, guys. There’s nothing to make a big deal about.” I stand on shaky legs, finding myself throwing my fake laugh while Red takes Z inside.
“Holly.” Kadence’s eyes fill with the sweetest sadness I’ve come to recognize well. I don’t want her sadness, but it calls to me, and every time I see it, the torturous past all comes back to me. Full force.
“I’m still lost,” Brooks says, sitting next to Kelly.
“Shhh,” Kelly whacks him on the shoulder, telling him to be quiet.
“Congratulations, guys. I’m so excited for you both,” I try again, hoping the more I say it, the more I’ll feel it. Panic claws up my body, scratching to be released. I can’t do this here. I pick up my bag and try to come up with something that gets me the hell out of here.
“What’s going on?” Sy finally speaks, looking between Kadence and me, and all the fight in my body leaves knowing he won’t give this up, not now.
“Nope, all good,” I say, not looking at him but focusing on Kadence. “So, I just remembered, I should really go,” I fumble out, not even making any sense considering we’ve been here for less than an hour and haven’t even eaten yet.
“Holly?” Sy calls to me, but I’m a coward and I just can’t face him.
“I really have to go. I’ll call later.” I turn and escape inside as Kadence and Sy both yell out for me. Jesus, that wasn’t strange at all, Holly. I make it to the hallway before Sy catches up with me.
“Stop, Holly,” he demands, cornering me into the small space.
“I can’t—” I begin to say before he cuts me off.
“Don’t even fucking think about it,” he warns.
“Sy,” I begin, looking up at him, only to wish I didn’t. The softness I’ve come to love these past few weeks is replaced with that hard, menacing look he holds so well.
“Why the fuck were you sitting there with a pained look on your face knowing our best friends are having a baby?” There’s no point denying it. I know from the look in his eyes he knows something is seriously up.
“Sy,” I reply shakily.
“What is going on?”
“I was pregnant,” I rush out in a mess of desperation and regret. Just saying the words aloud has my breath coming out in rapid, painful spurts.
Darkness creeps in, and ugliness flows out.
“What?” he practically chokes. His tattooed fists ball at his sides. The air between us is thick with deceit and accusations and there’s nothing I can say that will make it better. This is what I’ve brought on myself.
“Before, when we were together, I fell pregnant,” I begin to cry because this is not how I wanted to tell him, not how he deserves to find out. “I lost the baby when I was shot.”