She has never looked more beautiful to me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask again, sitting down beside her on the bed. Amy curls her feet under her and leans her head against my chest. I forget about Phydus, about Eldest, about all the problems on board this frexing ship, as a sudden, primal urge to push her against the bed and kiss her problems away sears through me.
“I found out what happens behind the locked doors on the fourth floor,” Amy says, hiccupping halfway through the sentence. “It’s horrible.”
She tells me. When she gets to the Phydus, I tell her what I’ve learned from Eldest.
“That’s what happened to me,” she says. “When I felt so slow and fuzzy—it was this drug. The same drug they used on”—she chokes on the name—“Steela.”
I nod.
Amy clutches my arm, squeezing it as I imagine Steela held her arm. “Elder, we’ve got to do something. This isn’t right. It’s not fair. These are people, whether or not Doc or Eldest sees them as such. That drug is evil. You shouldn’t control people like this!” Her eyes gaze past me, and I know she’s no longer with me: she’s up on the fourth floor. “That drug makes people obey. It’s just Eldest and Doc’s sick way of controlling the ship.”
A part of me, a very small part of me that I bury so deep inside me I hope Amy never sees it, thinks that not all of what Eldest and Doc are doing is wrong. After all ... it’s worked. The ship has run in peace for decades.
And then I remember the dead look in her eyes when she was drugged with Phydus, and the feel of her arms just now, and I push that part deeper down.
“And—oh, no!” Amy’s face dissolves into more tears. “I’ve just remembered! My parents, down in the cryo level! I’ve not been down there all day! What if something has happened?”
She lurches up as if to stand, but I grab her wrist, and with the barest of tugs, she tumbles back onto the bed.
“How could I have forgotten them?” she wails.
I place both my hands around her face and lift her head so she can look me in the eyes.
“Calm down,” I say in as steady a voice as I can muster. “Harley has been on the cryo level all day. You don’t have to worry about that now. I’ll go next and spend the night there.”
Amy’s watery eyes flick back and forth between mine.
“I’m so useless,” she sighs. “I can’t do anything but hide here and cry like a little girl! Look at me!” I look, but I don’t think I see her the same way she sees herself. “It’s pointless! I can’t save my parents, I have no idea who’s been killing the frozens, and this ship—it’s the worst—and I’m stuck here for the rest of my life, surrounded by drugged up people who go to the fourth floor to die and become fertilizer!”
She breaks again. It’s like watching the glass top of Amy’s cryo chamber break when Doc heaved it off the night she woke up. For a moment, I can see the pieces of Amy all loosely together; then, starting with her eyes and her trembling mouth, she shatters. Her hands are against the sides of her forehead, her fingers curling around her hair. She softly beats her palms against her head, willing herself to think, tugging at her hair, pulling strands from her scalp, seemingly oblivious to her self-inflicted pain. I reach up and gently unwind her hair from her fingers and pull her hands back down into her lap.
“We can figure this out,” I say, dipping my head down so I can catch her gaze. “Don’t give in. You’re not useless.”
I catch a glance at the wall across from us, at the big painted black chart Amy started.
“You’re the one who’s going to figure this thing out. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Figure out what the connection is.” I reach over to her desk and hand her the jar of black paint and the brush. “You can do this.”
Amy looks up at her painted wall, and for a moment she’s focused on it. Then I see frustration and hopelessness wash over her face. Before she has a chance to break again, I jump up and go over to the chart, distracting her. “Keep working on it.” I pause. “Try to figure out how these are connected,” I add, indicating everyone on the list but her. “Remember: you woke up, but survived. Maybe you weren’t meant to be unplugged; maybe you were an accident or something. You’re the one who doesn’t really fit into the list. Try looking at how they’re all connected when we take you out of the picture.”
Amy stares at the chart a moment longer, then nods slowly.
I stand, hesitate, then bend down and kiss her on the top of her head. She looks up at me, and my heart surges, and even though I can still see traces of hopelessness in her face, I have enough hope for the future for both of us.
“I’ll go down there and watch over your parents. You need to rest,” I say. I touch the side of her face, and she nuzzles her head against my palm. “You’ll be fine,” I add, and I hope she can believe it.
I hope I can believe it.
67
AMY
MY FINGERS ARE STAINED BLACK WITH PAINT. I EXAMINED MY list of suspects first, but there was little to do there. It is Eldest, or perhaps Eldest and Doc together.
But why? If I can figure out their reason, I’ll know what to do next.
I have stared at the wall until the lines and words blur together. I’ve added all the information I could from their charts, even the info that seems irrelevant. It cannot be random. Eldest and Doc do not act randomly.
I fall asleep with the wet paintbrush still in my hand.
Across the Universe
68
ELDER
THE CRYO LEVEL IS SILENT, A DEEP, PENETRATING SILENCE that makes me feel like a trespasser in a private place.
“Harley?” I call. Where is he? He is supposed to be guarding this floor, protecting the sleeping frozens.
Silence answers.
I start walking through the aisles of cryo chambers, then I start jogging, and by the time I reach the seventies, I’m racing past the rows, shouting Harley’s name. My panic is weighed down by a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. With each pounding step, I ask the same question:
What if the murderer has moved on to awake victims?
I round the corner, fully expecting to see Harley’s body on the floor, a pool of blood, the murderer fleeing the scene.
Nothing.
I’m being stupid. He’s probably at the hatch. My heart is pounding. When I wipe the sweat from my neck, my fingers brush my wi-com button. I jab it quickly.
“Com link: Harley,” I pant as I head toward the hatch.
Beep, beep-beep. My heart thuds. If he doesn’t answer, I’ll go back, grab a floppy, locate him and—
“What?” Harley’s voice is sullen, impatient.
“Where are you?” I shout.
“On the cryo level.”
“I’m here, where are you?”
“At the hatch.”
I sigh with relief. Of course. Of course he’s at the hatch. My previous panic makes me feel stupid and frexing mad. I turn down the hallway and there he is, his face pressed up against the bubble glass window.
“What are you doing?” I shout. “Why aren’t you out there, guarding them?”
“You left me here all day!” Harley shouts right back. “Shite, I was bored, okay?”
“Amy’s parents are here, all those helpless people down here, and all I asked you to do was sit and watch them. Was that too hard for you?”
Harley narrows his eyes at me. “Don’t be such a chutz,” he says. “Just because you’re going to be Eldest some day doesn’t mean you can order me around.”
“Don’t even play at that. How long did you wait before you came back here to look at the stars? Or did you wait at all? Did you even check to see if there were any melting bodies before you turned your back on them? I seem to remember that the last guy died on your ‘watch.’ ”
Harley rushes me, grabbing me by my shirt collar with both hands and shoving me against the wall opposite the hatch. “How long did you keep them from me? When did Eldest first show you them?”
“What, the stars?”
“The stars, the stars, of course the frexing stars!”
“I only saw them a few days ago.”
“Lies!” Harley rams me further into the wall. I twist and struggle against him, but even though my fingernails scrabble against his hands, he doesn’t relinquish his grip. “You and Eldest, always so close.”
“Like I had a choice!”
“Maybe if she could have seen the stars, she wouldn’t have died!” Harley screams at me, his face scrunched in rage—and tears glistening in his eyes.
“What are you—Who?” I struggle to piece together what is going on.
“Kayleigh!” Harley says in a surge of grief. He lets me go, and I slide against the cool metal wall a few inches. “Kayleigh. Maybe if she had seen the stars, she wouldn’t have given up.”
Harley backs up to the hatch door. He places both palms against the door and presses his face to the glass window.
“No good, no good,” he mutters.
“What’s no good?” My voice is even, calm now. I’m remembering how Doc locked Harley up for weeks last time, certain that he’d try to follow Kayleigh in death. How closely the nurses watched his meds, how Doc always made sure Harley took the extra ones.
“Harley, why don’t you come with me? I’ll spend the night down here; you go back to your room and rest.”
“You want it all to yourself, don’t you?” Harley snarls.
“What? No!”
His face crumples. “I know, I know. You’re my friend, I know.” He turns back to the window. “But still, it’s no use. There’s no frexing point.”
“No point to what?”
“Doesn’t matter how long I stare. We’re never going to land, are we Elder? We’re never going to get off this frexing ship. We’re all going to live and die in this metal cage. 74 years and 263 days. Too long ... too frexing long ... This is the closest I’ll ever get to the outside, isn’t it?”
I want to tell him no, that he’s wrong, but I know that’s a lie. And I understand now, oh, how I understand why Eldest lies and makes the people all raise their children with the hope of planet-landing. If we don’t have that, what do we have to live for? Does it matter if it’s a lie if it keeps us alive? Taking away the chance for planet-landing has left Harley nothing more than an empty, desperate shell.
Harley has sunk all the way to the floor. He has a canvas there, but it’s covered with muslin, and I don’t have the heart to ask him what he’s painting. Instead, I leave him here, the closest to freedom he can ever be.
I’m not going to be the one to drag him away from the stars.
Back by the cryo chambers, I hobble together a pile of lab coats and a stray blanket and make something of a nest for myself in front of the big open room. I cannot stay awake, but I hope my presence forestalls the murderer—and if not, I hope that I’ll at least awake when the elevator dings. I’m so exhausted—so exhausted—and the weight of the ship, the stars, the hopelessness, Phydus, Amy, and Harley all crash on me at once.