Shortly after arriving at the wine bar, Rylann had taken the lead with the conversation. She explained to Jon, in the gentlest of terms, that their relationship was truly, definitely, absolutely over. He listened this time, and though he looked upset and hurt and even a little frustrated, he finally seemed to accept what she was saying.
“So I blew it, then. For good.” He ran his hand over his mouth. “I guess that’s the price I have to pay for being a selfish ass seven months ago.”
Rylann studied him. “Jon, don’t take this the wrong way, but what’s really going on here? I know I should be flattered that you hopped on a plane to try to win me back, but…can I be honest?”
He smiled wryly. “You always are.”
“This whole thing feels more desperate than genuine. You seem kind of lost.”
He swirled his wineglass, saying nothing at first. “I don’t know. I just feel like there’s something missing. Italy was great for the first couple months, but then the excitement wore off. I guess I thought that if you and I could get back what we used to have, at least that part of my life would feel right again.” He looked at her over the glass. “I am sorry, you know. We had a good thing going, and I ruined it.”
It was tempting to let him take all the blame. And, no doubt, he deserved a lot of it. But as Rylann sat there, looking at the man she’d once genuinely believed she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, she realized, for the first time, that she shared a tiny bit of the responsibility for the demise of their relationship as well. “It wasn’t just you, Jon.”
He cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
She sighed. “There was something missing. I don’t think either of us realized it at the time, and frankly, I’m still not sure I can put my finger on it. On the outside we seemed happy, but there had to be something wrong, right? Otherwise, you would’ve never wanted to leave for Italy without me, and I…would’ve tried to make you stay.”
He considered this, then gave her a half smile that was bittersweet. “And we both know how tenacious you can be when you want something.”
She laughed softly, acknowledging that. “Very true.”
They talked for a long time after that, about old times, Italy, and Rylann’s new life in Chicago. Afterward they walked outside and said good-bye on the sidewalk.
“You’re going back to Rome tomorrow, then?” she asked.
Jon nodded. “Temporarily, at least. I took the week off from work, hoping that I’d be spending it with you.” He shrugged. “Maybe now I’ll use the time to figure things out. Decide what I want to do with my life when I grow up.”
“Whatever it is you’re looking for, I hope you find it,” Rylann said in all sincerity. “I want you to be happy.”
“You, too, Ry.” He touched her cheek in good-bye, then climbed into the taxi that would take him back to the hotel he’d checked into for the night.
Rylann stood there on the sidewalk, watching Jon drive off. She remembered a similar day seven months ago, when they’d said good-bye outside the apartment they’d shared in San Francisco. Only that time, the taxi had taken him directly to the airport and to his new life in Italy.
Once the cab disappeared from sight, she walked the few blocks to her apartment, her mind drifting back to everything that had happened that morning. Several weeks ago, she’d told Rae that she’d never once considered going to Rome with Jon because doing so would’ve been crazy, and she didn’t do crazy. But that wasn’t entirely true. These past couple of months, with Kyle, she’d been doing a lot of things that didn’t make the most sense from a practical perspective. For him, she’d been willing to bend the rules, to go against logic, and to simply follow her heart.
And truthfully, that scared her a little.
She’d guessed, from the moment that she’d met Kyle, that he could cause her all sorts of trouble. She’d sensed it from that very first smile. Once they’d reconnected, she’d told herself that she was being careful, that they were just having fun. But these past few weeks had gone way beyond fun and had shown her how truly amazing it could be to have Kyle Rhodes in her life.
Earlier that morning, when he’d made the comment about her being embarrassed to be seen with him, she’d just felt…bad. While the sneaking around had been a little exciting, she knew he deserved better. But she’d been caught off guard when he’d forced her hand on the issue right then and there.
So now it was decision time. She could let Kyle walk out of her life a second time and preserve her perfect reputation as Meth Lab Rylann, the star AUSA who had never taken a misstep at work and who’d fought hard to establish herself as a woman who should be taken seriously in a profession that often failed to do so. Or she could accept that her crown would forever be tarnished, potentially diminish herself in the eyes of her boss and coworkers, and come out of the closet about the fact that she was dating the Twitter Terrorist, her former witness and the most infamous ex-con to be prosecuted by her office in recent history.
Mulling this over, Rylann let herself into her apartment and threw her purse and keys on the kitchen counter. She went to her bedroom and stripped out of the gray skirt suit and heels she’d worn that day. In the closet, she hung up the suit next to the others, the row of black, navy, gray, beige, and brown jackets forming a neat, orderly line. Then, instinctively, her eyes went to the shoe box on the top shelf near the back, the one with Kyle’s flannel shirt. She thought of something she’d said to him that night, right after she’d kissed him.