Waiting on the Sidelines

He looked down a little, kicking his feet and stuffing his hands back in his pockets before looking back at me. “Yeah, that’d be great. The floor’s a little stiff,” he smiled, stretching his back a little as he walked through my tiny door frame. His body had definitely grown as he seemed to fill my room more than he ever had before. He had always towered over me, but now he seemed to double my width as well.

I followed him in and locked the door behind me out of habit. “You planning on kidnapping me?” he joked when he saw me do it.

“Oh, sorry, habit. My dad calls me to remind me,” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m glad he does,” he said, smiling and looking around our room. He looked over Sienna’s desk and shelves with affection before turning to my side of the room. He picked up the small heart pillow I had brought from home and held it close before putting it back down and picking up the hat he had given me. He looked over the pictures on my cork board and straightened one of me and him. I swallowed hard as I watched him, my heart swelling that he was here in my personal space.

He walked over to the window and pulled the curtain back a little to check out our view. “You can see the stadium,” he said, looking out at it for a while before closing the curtain again. I just nodded.

When he turned to face me, my body flushed and I thought briefly I might pass out. He leaned back and sat on the edge of my desk, his hands once again back in the pockets of his sweatshirt. He looked down for a long while, thinking, his forehead heavy with thought and his eyebrows drawn close together before he finally turned up to capture my gaze with his.

“Nolan, what happened…you know that it wasn’t your fault, right?” I had feared this. I just gulped a little and nodded slightly, trying to make myself small. “Do you really?”

He was questioning me and moving closer to me now, standing straight. I was leaning against the wall opposite of him, against our closet door, and as he closed the distance between us I thought seriously about opening the door, crawling inside and locking it to wait him out.

He stopped when he was an arm’s length from me, his eyes still pouring into mine. The green was mesmerizing, like a truth serum. “Nolan? Did you mean what you said in the paper? That you felt like this was all your fault?” he was even closer now. I closed my eyes a little at his question, afraid to look at him this closely.

“Sorta,” I squeaked.

I heard the breath escape him and he stepped forward again, now inches from me, his arm leaning against the wall next to me. When I felt his forehead press to mine, I shook a little, trying to stifle my cry. I kept my eyes closed tight, not wanting to feel any of the guilt I’d tried so hard to escape.

“Nolan,” Reed whispered. “This…the accident, our breakup, my season…none of that was your fault. None of it.”

His hand was under my chin now and he was forcing me to open my eyes. Blurry-eyed, I looked at him, but quickly tried to look to the side, unable to against his force. He looked me in the eyes again, moving his hand to my cheek and bringing his other hand to the other side of my face, brushing the hairs out of the way. “Nolan, it wasn’t your fault. The accident, it just happened. And our relationship, I’m the one who destroyed that. OK?”

I shook again, fighting against the full on cry that I’d buried deep down for months. Reed was wiping away my tears now and bringing me into his chest to hold me close. By instinct, I reached up and grabbed the fabric of his sweatshirt in my hands and squeezed tightly before reaching around his body to hold him back. “You never called. I waited…” I confessed. I kept my face flat to his chest, embarrassed and afraid of his response.

I felt his body stiffen a little and then I felt the air leave his lungs as he relaxed. “I wanted to…so badly,” he kissed the top of my head with his words. “But I wanted you to live your life and make a decision just for you. I didn’t want you to be disappointed, following me to some school and then watching me fail. I can’t let you down again,” he was holding me tighter now, almost as if he was afraid I would be the one to run away.

With his words, all fear left my body, and I felt strong enough to speak my heart. “Reed, the only thing that you ever did to let me down was give up on us. I love you, and I’d love you if you were a biology major without an inkling of athletic talent, I swear,” I smiled stupidly as I tilted my head back and stared at him. I awed as I watched the caution in his eyes slide for just a bit, a small smile touching his lips.

His strong hands slid around me tighter now and he leaned back a little, lifting me off the ground with his embrace, holding me up a little to look me in the eyes as he spun me around and started to walk to my bed. He pushed me back against it and we fell down together, still holding on to one another. He leaned over me and tucked my hair behind my ears slowly, his eyes intent on his hands as he touched my face softly. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to my forehead, then my cheek before coming to rest his head against mine again, his eyes staring deep into mine.