Waiting on the Sidelines

Sipping slowly on my beer, I scanned the crowd until I found Reed and Sean standing over by the bed of Sean’s truck, talking to a few other team members. Reed was laughing and smiling, such a refreshing sight. He was telling them a story about something, setting his beer down to show them something with his hands. He was animated and excited. I watched him for about 10 minutes before he noticed me. And when he did, I could tell my look surprised him—in a good way.

He didn’t come over to talk to me for a while; instead he snuck glances in my direction from across the fire pits and in the shadows of the headlights that lit the brush around us. We were both flirting from a distance, doing a dance with our eyes. I would watch him walk to the keg and look for me in the crowd, biting his lip a little and looking away when he found me. And I did the same.

“OK, Noles, I’m cutting you off,” Sienna reached for my cup. I had only had two beers during the hour and a half that we’d been here, but I was already feeling quite a buzz. Sienna had promised me she’d watch out for me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to disobey her, so I handed my cup to her and walked over to the cooler to grab a water instead.

I came back to sit on the hood of Sarah’s car with Sienna, handing her a water as well. She was making a suspicious face, turning quickly to look in the other direction. “What was that all about,” I called her on it.

She bit her lip a little and let out a deep breath, nodding in the direction behind me. I looked over to see Stephanie hanging all over Reed, her arm looped into his and her head resting on his shoulder. And this is what it feels like to get punched.

Unable to avert my stare, I tried to keep my courage up, the courage I had worked so hard to build with Sarah’s make up and cheap beer. “It could be nothing,” I didn’t look away. “I mean, his hands are just in his pockets. He’s probably just being polite.”

Almost believing myself I was about to feel satisfied with my conclusion when Reed pulled his left hand from his pocket and put it on Stephanie’s lower back and whispered something in her ear that had her laughing. Just then, Sarah walked by and I took her beer from her hand and drank it all in one tip of the cup.

That was probably a mistake. I was spinning a little more now, not fully sick but definitely not in the clearest of minds. I had given into dancing with Sarah in the middle of the party, mimicking some of her more provocative moves, though probably not looking as professional as she did. We got a few whistles when we danced together from the guys standing to the side, which only made me try harder.

My courage was fading quickly by the time midnight was upon us, and Sienna was working on Sarah and me to give up the dancing so we could head home. A lot of the partiers had called it a night, but it seemed sadder than it should to be leaving this party. It felt final. Over.

Making pouting faces at Sienna, Sarah and I finally gave in and gave hugs to several girls who, though we’d spent four years with them, we’d never really been close friends with. It just seemed like the thing to do tonight. Then, as if I’d just remembered why I’d come to the party in the first place, my eyes scanned the remaining crowd in a panic and I stopped in my tracks and grabbed hold of Sienna’s hand before we got to Sarah’s car. “Wait!” I shrilled. “I have to...”

My friends were so patient, understanding what this meant to me. Sarah was the one to finally see Reed and she pointed to him, hesitantly. She wasn’t ready to trust him yet, and I appreciated her for it. “I have to,” I took a deep breath, looking at them both before I turned and marched over to where Reed was standing next to Sean. I was relieved that Stephanie was nowhere in sight.

He saw me coming and pulled his beer from his lips, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and setting the bottle down on the edge of the truck before looking back up at me. He was about to say something when I didn’t give him the chance. Wrapping my hands around his neck, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him with every bit of passion I had left to give. He shifted backwards at first, stumbling a little from the force of my body into his. But soon I felt his arms reach around me, his hands sliding up behind my neck and holding me to him tightly as he started kissing me back.

I faintly heard Sean whistle and a few of the other guys pipe in with a “damn,” but most of my brain was focused on making Reed remember. I hadn’t gotten him anything for graduation because I didn’t know what to give him; I wanted it to be something that would help him remember us. And I hoped that maybe, just maybe, kissing him one last time would do that.

Time slowly started to come back into focus as I felt Reed’s hands slip forward from my hair to the sides of my face, holding me in place as our lips finally parted, our foreheads still pressed together as we clung to each other. No words. I had just hoped that this was enough.