Thoughtless

For the first time ever in our relationship, being with Denny was...odd. There was a frenzied desperation to our lovemaking that had never been there before. It was heartfelt, it was heartbreaking. It was extreme joy, it was bone-crushing grief. It was fiery-hot, it was icy-cold. It was true love sprouting...it was true love dying. It was like we were both trying to hold onto something that was slipping through our fingers, and we didn't understand why. I understood more than him, of course, but just barely. I would never fully understand how I could have ever strayed from such a warm, sensitive and caring soul.

Afterwards, he stroked my hair as I nestled into his shoulder. Guilt washed through me. This would kill Kellan. He had to have known when he left this morning, that there was at least a possibility Denny would want to...

That thought made me feel worse. Then I felt guilty for not completely loving being with Denny. I angrily brushed aside a tear. I was tired of feeling guilty. Kellan was right, one way or another, I needed to make a choice.

"Are you all right, Kiera?" Denny asked me softly.

I closed my eyes and tensed; was he finally asking me? "Yes," I said softly.

He kissed my head. "You've been so sad, and yesterday you seemed so..."

I sighed softly. He was going to ask. "Just a bad day...no big deal."

"Oh." I could tell from his timbre that he didn't believe me. "Do you want to talk about it?" His accent was getting thicker; it usually did when he was getting emotional. I needed to end this conversation.

I looked up at him and forced a smile. "No...I want to go to Australia with you." I hated to say it, but I needed more time.

He smiled widely and kissed me deeply, all traces of our conversation forgotten.

Denny drove me to work that evening and decided to stay for the night. He had an odd happiness about him, which only made me feel worse. I had given him hope for us...and it could possibly be a false hope. I wasn't sure yet.

I set Denny up with some food and a beer at the band's table. My stomach was already tensed at the idea of Kellan and Denny sitting down together. All too soon, the band strolled into the bar. Evan and Matt came in together. Evan spotted Denny at their table and eyed me curiously, making me look down and blush. I missed seeing Griffin's entrance, but I heard it. He yelled upon entering the bar, "The stud is here - this party can start now!"

I rolled my eyes and looked over right as Kellan came walking through the door. I held my breath at seeing him. He still stopped my heart with his perfection. He ran his hand through his perfectly messy hair as his absurdly blue eyes locked onto mine. I mouthed a "hi" and he half-grinned at me sexily and nodded his head. He started to walk towards me, until I slightly shook my head. He cocked his head, confused, and then following my line of sight as I looked back at their table, he understood. His smile left and his eyes darkened. He looked back at me wistfully, and then turned to join the guys at his table.

I watched Kellan discreetly as I went about my night. It was difficult to do. I wanted to go over and hold him, kiss him, snuggle in his lap...but I couldn't. Even if Denny were not sitting directly across the table from him, I couldn't. We didn't have that type of relationship, and that was what he wanted from me. He didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't either, but...I shifted my focus to Denny at the table...I didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't, I loved him too.

Denny was smiling, happier than I'd seen him in days. My melancholy during Kellan's absence had affected him more than I had realized. He was excited that we had a future planned now. He was currently engaged in a conversation with Matt, so I shifted my focus back to Kellan.

Kellan glanced over at me, making eye contact for just a fraction of a second then looking pointedly at the hallway for only the briefest moment. Anyone looking at him wouldn't have thought twice about the movement, he was simply scanning the room. But I knew better, he wanted to talk to me. He calmly finished his beer, then got up and made his way to the hallway. Denny watched him leave for half a second, then turned back to his conversation with Matt.

I swiftly walked over to Jenny. I didn't have much time. "Jenny, can you-"

She looked at the guys table, and noticing Kellan's absence, immediately said, "I'm not lying for you, Kiera."

I shook my head. "No, I'm not asking you to. Just...come find me, if Denny asks...anything."

She sighed resignedly. "Fine...make it a quickie."

I smirked at her and then smiled. "Thank you."

She nodded and went back to her work. Then making sure no one, particularly Denny, noticed, I followed Kellan to the hallway. My heartbeat increased when I saw him. He was leaning against the wall in the space between the two bathrooms - his foot against the wall, his hands in his pockets, his head turned in my direction. He smiled softly at me when he saw me and I smiled back. He reached out for my hand as I approached, and with the other, opened the women's bathroom door. I noticed an "Out of Order" sign from the backroom taped on the door.

I pointed at it. "Did you...?"

He smiled and led me inside, and then his smile left him. "Are you going to Australia with Denny?" he asked me, as soon as the door swung closed.

My stomach clenched. "What? Where did you hear that?"

"Denny...he's telling everyone, Kiera. What did you tell him?" His blue eyes bored into mine.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. "I'm sorry. He was asking the wrong questions. I just needed time." I opened my eyes, feeling very stupid.

"So you told him you would leave the Country with him? Kiera, god!" He ran a hand through his hair, then pinched his nose with his fingers. "Can't you ever stop and think, before you just spit things out!"

"I know it was stupid, but in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to say," I mumbled feebly.

"God, Kiera...did you agree to marry him too?" he asked sarcastically. I didn't say anything, and the sudden silence spoke volumes. Kellan raised his eyebrows at the stillness crashing around us. "Did he...did he ask you?"

"I didn't say yes," I whispered.

"But you didn't say no," he whispered back, dropping his hand from his face.

Seeing his hurt, I tried to explain. "He never really asked. He just said that when we were there...we could...like, eventually, years from now..."

He swallowed and looked at me warily. "Are you...considering it?"

I took a step towards him. "I need time, Kellan," I said softly.

"Did you sleep with him?" he whispered.

I stopped moving and blinked rapidly several times. "Kellan...don't ask that."

He nodded and looked away, scowling. "So, until you decide, how exactly does this work? Should Denny and I draw up a schedule?" He looked back at me, his face and voice suddenly heated. "Do I get you during the week, and he gets weekends, or should we just do the week on, week off thing? Or how about we all fuck together? Would you prefer that?" he snapped.

I walked over to him calmly, and put a hand on his cheek. "Kellan...filter."

He blinked at me, then smiled sheepishly. "Right...sorry. I'm just... I'm not okay with this, Kiera."

I kissed him softly and a tear fell from my eye. "I'm not either, Kellan. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to lie. I don't want to hurt people. I just don't know how to choose."

He gazed at me silently for an achingly long time, and then whispered, "Can I plead my case?" He gently grabbed my head in his hands and kissed me deeply.

A light knocking filtered through the door. "Guys? It's me...Jenny." We both ignored her, as Kellan's "case" got more intense. She slowly swung open the door and we still didn't stop kissing. He even exhaled softly and kissed me deeper.

Jenny sounded a bit...uncomfortable. "Uh...Kiera, sorry but you wanted me to find you?"

I nodded around Kellan's lips and ran my fingers through his hair, while he smiled through his kisses. "Uh, okay...can you guys stop doing that?" She sounded a little irritated now.

Kellan mumbled a "no" and I laughed once, the sound lost in his mouth. Jenny sighed. "Okay then. Well, two things actually. One, Kellan, you're up."

Kellan raised his hand to her, thumb up, but never stopped voraciously kissing me. I was pretty sure Jenny was seeing way more of Kellan's tongue than she probably wanted to, since when I smiled and laughed at his movement, he ran it across the roof of my mouth, before closing his lips around mine.

Jenny sighed again. "Second, Denny talked to Griffin."

Kellan and I broke apart at the same time and looked at her. "What?" We both said together, our momentary good humor gone.

Jenny shrugged, looking apologetic. "I tried to sideline Griffin, but Denny was talking about you having a hard time leaving your family." She gave me an icy look. Apparently she didn't like what I had done either. "Denny casually mentioned Anna, so naturally, Griffin told him every gory detail of their time together while she was here." She made a face, like she had repeatedly heard every detail. My own face paled.

"Denny, of course, brought up Kellan and Anna, and the fight between you and Kellan in the bar." She shook her head. "Griffin got all bent out of shape. He vehemently denied that Kellan ever slept with her. That he actually took Anna out from under Kellan, and that..." she glanced at Kellan, who looked equally as pale as me, "Kellan was a prick for trying to...and I'm quoting here...'nab his score'." She made another face, then looked at me sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Kiera...but Denny knows that you lied."

I clutched at Kellan, not wanting to hear any of this. "Thank you, Jenny," Kellan said calmly.

"Yeah...I'm sorry." She smiled sadly, then turned and left us alone in the room.

My breathing became labored as I clutched Kellan's shoulders. "What do we do?" I searched his face, hoping to find an answer there. My mind started spinning as Kellan watched me silently. "Okay...it's not so bad. I'll just tell him that you lied to me...and Anna lied to me...and..." I looked away, thinking through the various lies to tell Denny.

"Kiera...that won't work. He'll just be even more suspicious, if you start saying that everyone else is lying. No lies will work, baby."

I looked up at him when he called me that, a small smile on my lips as his tender word fractionally lifted my spirits. It didn't last though. I immediately frowned. "Then what do we do?"

He sighed and ran a finger down my cheek. "We do the only thing we can. I go on stage, and you go back to work."

"Kellan..." That wasn't going to solve anything.

"It will be fine, Kiera. I need to go. I need to talk to Evan before we start." Then he kissed me softly on the forehead, and left me alone in the room, my head still spinning. Things were starting to crash down around me. I put a hand on my stomach and struggled to maintain my breath.

Kellan was near the stage, having a deep conversation with Evan when I reentered the bar. Evan did not look happy about whatever Kellan was telling him. Evan flicked a glance at me, then scowling, looked back at Kellan, who never turned to look at me. Eventually Kellan said something that from his stance, looked like an order. Evan finally seemed to accept it, and with one last flick of a glance at Denny, he hopped on stage.

The rest of the guys followed shortly after, and Kellan ran his hand through his hair and glancing at Denny, who happened to also look back at him, an odd expression on his face, hopped on the stage as well. The crowd went nuts for their stars, but I didn't hear any of it. I was too busy wondering what all that had been about.

I made my way back to my section, to start helping customers, when I met Denny's eye. He was still sitting at the band's table, which was now filling up with female fans, and was openly scowling at me. My breath caught. He knew I lied. He was thinking, right now, about why. I intentionally kept my eyes from the stage. I tried to smile at him, but only managed a feeble grin. He didn't smile back. His eyes narrowed and I forcefully pulled my gaze away.

Mentally, I thanked the packed bar of thirsty customers, for giving me an excuse to not have to go near his table for awhile. The band's music started playing, but I never glanced back to the stage. I may have pulled my gaze from him, but I could feel Denny's gaze burning into me.