Thoughtless

This was easier...but it wasn't easy.

Chapter 22

Choices

Kellan looked different when I made my way downstairs in the morning. Not physically. Physically, he was still achingly perfect. Well, maybe his deep blue eyes were more tired than usual, but neither one of us had slept at all last night. No, he looked different emotionally. He didn't look up when I entered the room. He gave me no cheery greeting, just kept staring blankly into his coffee mug, seemingly lost in thought.

I walked over to him and grabbed his still full cup, setting it on the counter and breaking his focus. He turned his head and looked at me wistfully. Then he kissed me lightly and slipped his arms around my waist. I laced my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this," he whispered, and I automatically tensed. "Last night can't happen again, Kiera."

I pulled back and looked at him, hurt and confused, and a little scared.

He looked over the emotions on my face, then sighed. "I love you and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don't say it...to anyone...ever." Gently removing my arm from around his neck, he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. "There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of yourself you wanted to give me, and found a way to deal with the rest..."

He ran our laced fingers over my cheek. My face softened at his words, but I was still confused and scared. He sighed as he looked me over. "I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have." I started to interrupt him, and he put our fingers over my lips. "I want to be honorable-."

"You are," I interrupted, pulling our fingers from my lips. "You are a good man, Kellan."

"I want to be the better man, Kiera...and I'm not." He sighed again and looked up to where Denny was still sleeping, then back down to me. "Last night wasn't the honorable thing to do, Kiera...not under Denny's nose like that."

I frowned and felt tears of guilt and shame sting my eyes. He recognized my look and instantly understood. "No...I didn't mean, you're not... I wasn't trying to insult you, Kiera." He held me close as a couple of tears escaped my eyes.

"Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I want you to leave him...and stay with me." He slowly opened his eyes. They were suddenly very fearful.

I gaped at him, at a complete loss for words. Was he giving me an ultimatum? Making me finally choose?

"I'm sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love...and I've, I've never had that...and I just can't go back to who I was before. I want you and only you and I can't bear the thought of sharing you. I'm sorry." He looked down sadly. "I want to be with you the right way - in the open. I want to walk into Pete's with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who's looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don't want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so...whole. I'm sorry, Kiera, but I'm asking you to choose."

I continued to gape at him as tears now rolled down my cheeks. The picture he painted was so wonderful. I could see it - a future with him, a life with him. A part of me, a large part of me, wanted that. But the rest of me saw warm, sparkling brown eyes and a goofy grin. "You're asking me to destroy him, Kellan."

He closed his eyes and swallowed. "I know," he whispered. When he reopened his eyes, they were glistening. "I know. I just...I can't share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you."

Panic flared through me at the thought of losing one of them. "What if I don't choose you, Kellan? What will you do?"

He looked away, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'll leave, Kiera. I'll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after." He looked back at me. "You wouldn't even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you..." his voice broke and another tear fell on his cheek, "the two of you would get married, and have children, and have a great life."

I fought back a sob. "And you? What happens to you in that scenario?"

"I...get by. And I miss you, every day," he whispered.

Finally a sob did break free, and to reassure myself that he was still here in front of me, that the horror he had described hadn't yet happened, I grabbed his face and kissed him intensely. I felt more of his tears land on my skin as he returned my kiss just as intensely. We broke apart, breathless, and rested our foreheads together as our tears continued to fall.

"Kiera...we could be amazing together," he whispered.

"I need more time, Kellan...please," I whispered back.

He kissed me softly. "Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever." He kissed me again and I finally felt my heart start to slow to normal, the ice in my belly melting. "I don't want to hang around the house with him today. I'm going over to Evan's."

I clutched at him, my heart racing again. Seeing my panic, he soothingly said, "I'll see you at Pete's tonight. I'll be there." He kissed me again, and started to pull away from me.

"Wait...now? You're leaving now?" I asked in a near whine.

He ran his hands down my hair, then brought them to my cheeks. "Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you'll be able to..."

Decide? Decide which heart I would break? I didn't see how I could ever decide that.

He didn't finish his thought, he simply brought his lips to mine and kissed me for what felt like hours, but when he pulled away, it suddenly felt like mere seconds. Smiling wistfully at me, he turned and left the room, and then a few moments later, the house. I turned to stare at his full cup of coffee on the counter and wondered what I was going to do.

In the end, I laid myself down on the couch, and sobbed until sleep took me.

Hours later, I woke up feeling completely un-refreshed. Kellan's words tumbled through my mind as I went into the kitchen to re-heat the coffee he had made earlier...before he'd abruptly left.

I looked up from pouring the coffee into my mug when I heard Denny enter the room. My heartbeat doubled at the look on his face. I had never seen such a look on his face before. He was grievous - tortured and defeated. His normally sparkling brown eyes were dead and flat. He was dressed and freshly showered, but it did nothing to make him look well and rested. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and smiling half-heartedly entered the room.

I froze at the counter watching him. What made him so sad? Did he know that I wasn't with him last night? Did he know where I went? Were Kellan and I not as quiet as I thought? He walked over to me and almost reached out to me, before he stopped himself. There was an odd feeling in the room. My breath started increasing in my nervousness. I knew it was odd for me not to ask him what was wrong - his crushing look would have never gone unquestioned by me before, but I just couldn't get enough air to speak. And I was terrified to ask him.

Finally, he spoke. "You disappeared on me," he whispered.

My heartbeat tripled, my vision swam. Oh god, I was going to pass out right here in front of him. "What?" I unintentionally squeaked out.

"This morning." He nodded over to the couch. "I came down earlier, and you were sleeping on the couch. I didn't want to wake you..."

My heartbeat slowed fractionally. "Oh."

His crushed look returned, as he reached out for my hand. "Did I...do something, Kiera?"

I immediately started shaking my head, and had to swallow twice before I could speak. "No...no of course not."

"Really? Because I feel like there's this wall between us. We used to talk about everything. I knew almost every single thought in your head, and now, I have no clue what you're thinking half the time."

I swallowed back the tears again.

"Will you talk to me?" His sad brown eyes searched my face for a moment, and then he pulled my arm gently, to lead me into the living room. I begged myself to not start sobbing again, like yesterday.

We sat down close beside each other on the couch. He leaned over his knees on his elbows, then running a hand halfway through his hair, he looked over to me. "Are you happy here?" he asked softly, his accent thick with controlled emotion.

I shook my head, no, but said, "Yes." His face looked just as confused as I felt by my odd answer.

"Is it Kellan?" he whispered, and I felt my stomach lurch like I might be sick. Was he finally asking me? I knew my face was a white as a ghost, and I felt like any second I might hyperventilate again.

"Does his lifestyle bother you that much? Do you not like being here with him as a roommate anymore?"

I relaxed. He wasn't asking me about an affair...he was asking me about Kellan's women. That was the last thing Denny knew of, that had made me unhappy, that slap in the bar, but so much had changed since then. Kellan loved me, deeply loved me. And I...

"No, he's fine. I barely see him anyway," I said quietly, my thoughts still spinning.

"No, he hasn't been around lately, has he?" He looked at me oddly when he said that, and I cringed that I had placed that realization in his head. I waited for the next question that could only rationally come: were you desperately sad all week because he was gone? Did you have a breakdown yesterday because he came back? Because you made love to him...and then felt guilty in my arms?

The question he did ask though, hurt worse than any of my imagined questions. "Is it me then? Are you not happy with me?" he asked so quietly, I barely heard him.

I threw my arms around him and tried to choke back a sob. "No, I love you." My voice broke anyway. "I'm happy with you." Don't ask any more questions. Don't find out what I've done. Don't leave me...

He returned my hug, clutching me to him, like I was pulling away instead of pressing against him. "Then move to Brisbane with me."

I pulled back and gazed, confused, at his still flat eyes. "What?"

"When your school ends...come to Australia with me." He almost frantically searched my face, trying to gauge my reaction.

I blinked at him in disbelief. We had never talked about moving to his homeland, merely visiting over winter break. "Why?"

"I've made some phone calls, there's a really great job waiting for me there...whenever I want it. We could move there. It's near my parents. They would love having us close." His accent started thickening, as he talked about his family and his home.

"It's so far away, Denny..." Physically, about as far away from Kellan as he could get me. "What about...my family."

"We'll visit as often as you want, Kiera. Holidays. Vacations. Whatever you want, whenever you want." He softly stroked my cheek as he spoke. I could hear the slight desperation in his tone. He really wanted this.

"Australia? I didn't know you wanted to go back there."

"It's a great offer..." He looked down at the floor, before looking back up to me. "We could get married there," he whispered.

My heart started pounding. We had never talked about marriage before either. I couldn't say anything. A million thoughts went through my head at the same time, some about a life here with Kellan, some about a life thousands of miles away with Denny. He ran his hand through my hair as I stared at his beautiful, but sad, face.

"We could be happy...there." He swallowed. "I could be a great husband to you. Maybe someday, a father..." his voice trailed off as my eyes started to water. I could see the picture he was painting too...and it was equally as wonderful as Kellan's. I didn't know how to choose. He stroked my cheek again and brought me in for a tender kiss. I closed my eyes, melted into his touch, and considered his proposal...both of them.

He brought both of his hands to my cheeks and kissed me deeply. I returned it just as deeply. Abruptly, he stood and then leaned over and picked me up. He had no problems carrying me, he was very strong, and he kissed me the entire time he took me upstairs to our room. I purposely kept my eyes closed as we passed Kellan's.