The Rocker Who Holds Her (The Rocker 5)
Page 36Chapter 19
No, Is So Heart Shattering
Thanksgiving was fast approaching and I was getting a little anxious. When I had asked Emmie to marry me, she had said yes, but only after the baby was born.
Well, now Mia was here and Emmie hadn’t even mentioned getting married. I was so ready to make everything legit. I wanted Emmie as my wife, not just my baby momma as the tabloids described her recently when they had run the story of Mia’s birth.
I was worried that Emmie thought I wasn’t serious about getting married. We hadn’t discussed it since I had asked her all those months ago. Maybe she thought I had only asked to prove a point, not because I really wanted to. The truth was I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted before.
Okay, I’ll admit that when I first started accepting my feelings for Emmie for what they really were I had been scared out of my mind. Marriage had terrified me back then. In the world of rock ’n’ roll, of any celebrity really, marriages didn’t last long. The touring, the crazy fans, the whole fucking lifestyle was rough on a relationship. But hell, Emmie had put up with me and that lifestyle for longer than most marriages lasted. I had faith that we could make it work now.
To show her how serious I was about marrying her I went shopping. It took me two days to find the ring I wanted. A five carat princess cut engagement ring that was handcrafted by one of the most sought after jewelry designers on the planet. It cost an ugly amount of money, which was nearly impossible to keep from Emmie until I gave it to her.
Luckily I had Axton. With Jesse and Drake distracted by their own relationships, and Shane doing only gods knew what, Axton was the only other friend I really had that I could ask for help. To keep Emmie from finding out before I wanted her to, I asked Axton to buy the ring and I would pay him back once Emmie had the ring.
Axton handed over his credit card without a blink of an eye. “Treat her right, man,” he advised me with a sad smile.
I clasped my friend’s hand in a tight handshake. “Always.”
I had never been so nervous in my life, and I wasn’t even sure why. She had already agreed to marry me. I had my yes. Now I just needed to give her the ring and ask her to set a date. The sooner the better.
A limo was already waiting on us as we stepped outside and I helped Emmie into the back seat. She gave me a grin as she scooted over, and I climbed in beside her. “This is unexpected.”
“I thought I would spoil you just a little.”
She reached for my hand, linking our fingers. “Thanks, Nik.”
I pulled her against me. “I love you, Em.”
“Still?” She grinned, but I saw the uncertainty in the green depths of her eyes. It gutted me to see it. “I figured that after the last few weeks I had driven all that love away.”
Her postpartum depression hadn’t completely disappeared overnight. She was still struggling with it, but I hadn’t let her push me away again. She had my complete support now. “No, baby. Nothing you do will ever stop me from loving you.”
I held her close as the driver managed to get us to our destination. We had dinner at one of LA’s most popular restaurants. I had thought about giving her the ring after dinner, but knew she would think it was too cheesy.
She was laughing and clinging to my side as we got back into the limo, more relaxed than I had seen her in weeks. I pulled her legs across my lap and held onto her left hand as the driver pulled into traffic. “Did you enjoy tonight?”
“It’s not over.” I reached into my pocket for the little box I had been carrying for two days now. I had been so worried about her finding the ring that I had kept it with me since I bought it.
Her head jerked up when she saw the box and she reached for the button to turn the lights on overhead. “What is this?” she demanded.
My anxiety returned and I tightened my hold on her hand when she started to pull away. Opening the box, I took the ring and slipped it onto her finger. Her eyes widened. “Are you crazy?”
“About you, yes.” I laughed, trying to hide my fears.
“That’s an engagement ring…” she suddenly whispered, going from demanding to dazed in the blink of an eye.
“Of course it is. Engaged women normally wear them.”
“But…” She frowned, breaking off and staring down at the ring that fit perfectly on her finger.
“You said that once Mia was born we would get married. You haven’t even mentioned it.” I didn’t confess that I was scared out of my mind that she wasn’t going to marry me after all. That she didn’t want to marry me… “I realized that maybe since I hadn’t given you a ring you thought that I hadn’t been serious when I asked you.”
She swallowed hard, her face looking paler than I had seen it in weeks. “No, I knew you were serious.”
“No.” She shook her head, some of the dazed look fading from her eyes.
“Okay, how about January? That is plenty of time for you to find a dress.”
“I don’t want to get married in January either…” She tugged her hand free, and I reluctantly let her go. “I… I’m not sure I want to get married at all.”
All the color drained from my face as all my fears rushed to the surface. She didn’t want to marry me? No, no, no. She couldn’t possibly have said that. I wasn’t hearing her right. “What?” I croaked out.
Green eyes darkened to a shade I had rarely seen. “I love you, Nik. More than anything. But… why do we have to get married? We’re happy. You, Mia, and me are a family. That’s enough for me.”
My fingers actually trembled as I raked them through my hair. “Well it isn’t enough for me!” The words came out harsher than I wanted them, but I was suddenly hurting in a way I had never hurt before. Emmie didn’t want to marry me. She didn’t love me enough to become my wife.
My world felt like it was crashing around me.
This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. I had everything I wanted, except Emmie as my wife. When she had said yes to marrying me all those months ago, I had accepted that as proof of how much she loved me. Just as she had trust issues, so did I. And now my trust was starting to crumble.