Semper Mine

I've never been so conflicted in my life.

Fingering the box, I open it and stare at the little gold lapel pin I spent hours hunting down. I still wonder where he got his, since he's an orphan. Was his charm the last piece of family history he had? He said it mattered to him and had for ten years.

If so, and I give him another one …

It's way, way too complicated and intimate a gesture for someone I need to forget. I've given myself a headache debating what to do about the stupid duck pin.

"Baba, I think I need to go into counseling again," I murmur, closing the gift that will never leave my room. "This week really … really brought a few things to light." My voice is trembling.

"I think, this is good."

My father has a talent for dramatic understatement. The words sound simple, but it's his way of saying it's a damn good idea.

"Katya moya has not been happy since she was nine. Always trying to protect her father and brothers to make sure she doesn't lose them," he says. "You need to be Kitty-Khav and let go of us all. I promise. We can land on our feet like my kitten can."

I rest my head on his shoulder, listening to his gruff, soft voice. "I feel so lost without him, Baba," I whisper.

"We all do, devoshka moya."

"I don't know what there is outside of you guys. I've never really been interested in what I took in school."

"You are interested in the camp?"

"Yeah, that was cool."

"I had thought to create a new charity to help military families and put the camp under it. It will need someone to help manage it. You have always wanted to help people."

I run my thumb over the seam in the box. It doesn't slip past me that I can help people like the kids I met this week and Captain Mathis, who was also an orphan. I can help others like me, too, who are hurting from losing a family member. The camp was an incredible idea, and I imagine there are other positive ways to help others that also ease my pain.

"I might like that," I murmur.

"Petr will help you."

"I thought he wanted to go back to the military." I lift my head.

"We talked about it. We think you need us now, devoshka moya. You have taken care of us long enough. Now it is our turn." My father gazes at me tenderly.

Tears spill down my face. I'm too touched to speak. I know they love me. I've never felt broken before, never really thought I needed them as much as they do me. Dealing with Captain Mathis made me confront the reality that I'm not ready to let go of Mikael or accept his death.