Reason to Breathe

“I hope you don’t have to go that bad,” Sara said, eyeing the wait.

“I can wait,” I assured her, leaning against the wall.

“Tony Sharpa asked me out,” Sara confessed casually.

“When did this happen?” I asked, trying to recall how long she was in here before Evan and I found her.

“Yesterday, during study.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” I asked in astonishment.

“It wasn’t that important,” she laughed. “Not with Evan coming back and everything. Besides, I said ‘no’. He’s the games I was referring to earlier.”

“Yeah, didn’t you like him when he was dating Niki, and then he liked you when you were with Jason?”

She nodded, recalling the bad timing of their interest in one another.

“So, what’s wrong now? You’re both single finally,” I questioned, confused.

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It feels forced now.”

I didn’t understand what she meant, and before I could ask her to explain, we were interrupted.

“I heard you were here,” the voice said from behind me. My heart stopped and my stomach turned. I stood frozen, unable to turn around.

Before I could pull myself together to face him, Drew appeared beside me, leaning his shoulder against the wall. My nose scrunched with the burn of liquor floating on his breath. It appeared he needed the wall to keep from falling to the floor.

“Had a little to drink, Drew?” Sara accused.

“Hi, Sara,” Drew slurred with a smile. “You didn’t like me, did you?”

Sara smiled, amused by his drunken honesty.

“Still don’t,” Sara replied with a malicious grin. “Maybe you should leave us alone.”

We were gaining an audience. Everyone around us quieted to listen. I glanced around, wondering how to get out of this without causing a scene.

“Come with me.” Drew tightly gripped my wrist and dragged me stumbling after him into the bathroom, pushing past the person who was about to enter. Sara reached out to grab me, but the crowd closed in around Drew and me, barricading Sara as we moved past them.

He forced me ahead of him and shut the door behind us, locking it.

“Drew,” Sara banged on the other side of the door. “Let her out.”

“Leave us the fuck alone, Sara,” Drew yelled back, agitated.

I scanned the large white bathroom, looking for another way out. Drew turned and leaned his back against the door, ignoring Sara’s banging.

“What do you want Drew?” I confronted coolly, despite the tremors that were overtaking me.

“Just wanted to talk to you,” he jumbled, taking a step toward me. I backed away from him, dragging my feet along the tile.

“Go ahead, talk.”

“Don’t be like that.” He reached for me, trying to take my hand. I pulled it out of reach. The music stopped abruptly while more voices banged on the door, yelling for Drew to open it. It didn’t seem to faze him as he slowly approached me. I ran out of tiles beneath my feet, my back bumping into the wall.

“I just wanted you to know that I forgive you.” He dragged his hand along my cheek, snagging a few strands of hair with it. A cloud of liquor floated from his parted lips as he continued, “You don’t have to be with him just to get back at me.”

I was confused by his words and tried to look him in the eye. Except he couldn’t focus on anything - his eyes twitched in a drunken dance.

“I’ll take you back,” he muttered, leaning down toward me. I turned my head - his wet mouth press against my cheek.

The weight of his body pressed against me as he trailed his tongue along my neck. I pushed against him, but I was his wall now, holding him up. He held me to him, ignorant of my squirming. He groped my breast while grinding into me.

“Drew, stop!” I yelled, pushing him back with all I could. He held tighter, aggressively pawing at me like we were in some impassioned exchange.

There was a crash of splintering wood as the door burst open. Drew was pulled from me, and all I could see were faces, staring. There were a group of guys struggling to get in. I thought I saw a glimpse of Evan in the twist of arms and hands before Sara grabbed my arm, and we rushed through the gawking mob.

Scuffling could be heard behind us with girls screaming and guys swearing. I tried to look over my shoulder before we were out the front door. I could only see bodies pushing in a frantic wave, some to get away, while others were trying to move closer.

Not long after we reached the car, Evan caught up with us. He was breathing heavily and his shirt was crumpled. He pulled me toward him and held me. I tried not to reveal how shaken up I was, but the tears slid down my cheeks anyway.

I swiped them away before I pulled back from him. I looked up at his face. It was still flushed. Sara was standing to the side, quietly watching. “I’m okay,” I assured him. “He was just really drunk. He didn’t mean it.”

“Don’t,” Evan stopped me. “Don’t make excuses for him. I can’t…”

He took a calming breath.

“Let’s just go,” he urged.

People were still staring at us from the front steps when we got into the car. The party inside resumed, with the music turned up again and the volume of voices steadily increasing. Evan took my hand in silence as we drove away.

31. Noticed

I begged the week to go by quickly or for someone to do something more catastrophic and humiliating so Evan, Drew and I would be dropped from the headlines. Then Katie returned to school, and I wished I hadn’t thought that. Everyone stared, whispered and pointed, avoiding her like she carried a contagion.

I knew pity wasn’t what she needed, but I didn’t know what else to offer. If my secret were released to the masses, I’d want to drop off the planet. So, whether it was the right decision or not, I left her alone. I didn’t avoid her, but I didn’t go out of my way to make her feel better either. My ambivalence could’ve been considered cowardice. Yes, it probably was. I found Katie crying in the girls’ room on Friday, and slipped out before she knew I was there.

“Things are going to change around here,” the foreboding voice yanked me back from my thoughts.

I stood in the hallway motionless, with my backpack over my shoulder and duffle bag in my hand. I had just returned from my weekend in New York with Evan and Sara. Carol met me with a hardened glare. I hadn’t heard her hateful voice in so long; I’d forgotten how debilitating it could be.

“No more Friday nights at the McKinley’s. You got away with it for too long and sleazed out of your responsibilities too often. You’re not getting away with your shit anymore. You should be shoved in a box, but…”

My pulse quickened in anticipation of what she’d say next.

“…your uncle seems to think it would help with the tension in the house if we had one day to ourselves. It’s not worth arguing over. You are never worth arguing over. So, tell Sara she can pick you up at noon on Saturday’s, however you will be in this house by nine o’clock on Sunday morning.

“But, not this weekend. You’re staying here to rake my backyard and my mother’s on Sunday. Speaking of Sundays…”

Please don’t say it.

“… you’ll only be allowed to go to the library, nowhere else. If I find out that you’re anywhere other than where you say you are, you will be living in a box until you graduate.” My stomach twisted. I remained frozen, hoping she’d slither away without leaving a mark. Not so lucky.

“Am I making myself clear?” she growled, grabbing my ear, making me twist my head to follow the tugging.

“Yes,” I whimpered, straining my neck.

I stood in the hall with my hand over my throbbing ear, watching my freedom disappear with her. I threw my bags on my bed upon entering my room and began pacing furiously. Why was she doing this to me? Why couldn’t she have left me alone like she had for the past three months? What was the sudden interest in where I was? She hated me. Why would she want me home?

My chest tightened as I fumed at the thought of having to be with her all weekend. And knowing that I wasn’t going to see Evan this weekend was more upsetting than spending it with her. Well… maybe not.

Unbeknownst to me, Evan and Sara decided to split my pickups and drop offs, so I wasn’t expecting to see his BMW waiting for me when I walked down the driveway on Monday morning. But I was too distracted by next weekend’s impending doom to be as thrilled as I should’ve been.

“Good morning,” he greeted warmly when I closed the door.

“Hi,” I responded, unable to smile in return.

“Are you ever in a good mood in the morning?”

“What?” His question distracted me from my brooding thoughts. “Oh, sorry. I’m just angry with my aunt right now.”

“What happened?” His voice was heavy with concern, more than it needed to be.

“Nothing that bad,” I assured, trying to put him at ease. “She’s making me stay home this weekend, and I’m pissed. Sorry; I don’t mean to be miserable.”

“Are you going to the library on Sunday?”

“No, I’m going to her mother’s to rake her yard,” I grumbled.

“So…” he said without needing to say any more.

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m trying to figure out when we’ll be able to see each other.”

“There’s always next weekend,” he consoled.

“You’re giving up that easy?” I shot back, questioning his resolve.

“No,” Evan replied with a light laugh. “But what other choice do we have, besides you sneaking out of your house?”

A flash of cold nerves streaked through my stomach at the thought of trying to climb out of my window without being heard. But then I was overcome with a spike of adrenaline. Could I really do this?

“That may be an option.”

Evan shot me a sideways glance. “You want to sneak out of your house?” he confirmed in astonishment.

“I can do this,” I declared out loud, trying to convince myself more than Evan.

The repercussions of getting caught sent a wave of nausea through me, but the thrill of getting away with it convinced me that it was worth it. I wasn’t going to allow her to control my life any longer. It was more important for me to try, than to not have the chance at all. Where had I heard that before?

“You are insane!” Sara exclaimed, when I told her what I was planning to do. “If you get caught, we will never see you again!”

“But Sara,” I argued, “aren’t you the one who said that it was better to try and fail, than to never have the experience?”

“That’s not quite what I said,” she corrected. “Em, this is so much different than having a date with a guy I may never see again. You could lose everything.”

I looked down at my uneaten lunch, understanding her concern. If I were the same person I’d been six months ago, we’d never be having this conversation. Too much had happened, and I wasn’t ready to go back.