Reason to Breathe

I sank onto my seat at the black table; the empty chair next to me screamed at me the entire class. I couldn’t concentrate on the lecture. I kept glancing over at the crushing reminder of his absence.

By the end of class, I was irritated with my sorrow. I didn’t have any right to grieve for him. I was the reason he was gone. But it didn’t matter how much blame I took for forcing him to leave or how much effort I made to push it away – I was broken.

“Are you still in pain?” Drew questioned when he sat next to me and Sara at lunch.

I’d almost forgotten he was joining us, until he pulled out the chair. The guilt of being distracted by Evan washed over me with Drew’s words. I obviously was not concealing my misery very well.

“No, I’m fine,” I assured him with a forced smile. “It’s just weird having everyone staring at me all day, that’s all.”

This wasn’t completely a lie, although it had nothing to do with my pained expression. Everyone had been staring at me since I arrived at school that morning. I expected some stares and whispers, especially after Sara’s account of the last time they saw me at the basketball game. But I wasn’t expecting so many gawking faces. It was as if I’d returned from the grave. It was unsettling.

Drew’s relief was evident when I saw him in the parking lot that morning. I was too preoccupied with searching for Evan’s car to notice him approaching with a huge smile on his face. I suddenly caught sight of him and found his greeting too contagious not to return. He startled me when he wrapped his arms around me and held me gently against him. I hesitated before hugging him back. Sara watched in amusement, knowing I was freaking out on the inside.

I was more concerned that Evan might see us than I was about being in Drew’s arms. It wasn’t really a horrible place to be. I glanced around at the eyes that turned our way as they walked by. I was still trying to accept that Drew really did care about me. More importantly, I was trying to figure out how I felt about him.

So, as he sat at the lunch table asking me if I was still in pain, I decided I wasn’t going to think about it anymore.

I leaned over and kissed him firmly on the lips and said as I pulled away, “I feel much better, thanks.”

A grin emerged across his face and a subtle flush rose to his cheeks. Behind me, Sara started choking. I turned toward her convulsions.

“Sorry,” she whispered, her face bright red. “Some bullshit caught in my throat.” I raised my eyebrows at her words, hoping Drew hadn’t heard.

“Are you playing in your game Wednesday?” Drew asked.

“It depends on how practice goes today and tomorrow,” I replied. Drew moved his chair closer and rested his arm along the back of my chair. I could feel his heat radiating along my side, but the proximity of his body didn’t ignite the tingling I was searching for.

“I’ll definitely play Friday,” I said, casually leaning closer so my shoulder touched his. I urged my heart to take notice, but it was too busy moping and wasn’t about to be forced to flutter.

“Do you want to come over after the game to watch a movie?” he asked. Suddenly realizing Sara would be there too, he looked at Sara to include her in the invitation. “Or hang out or something?”

“There’s a party Friday night at Kelli Mulligan’s beach house,” Sara informed him.

“Oh, you have plans?” Drew recognized in disappointment.

I shrugged apologetically, unaware of Sara’s plans for us on Friday night. I was still trying to get used to the idea that I had a Friday night. When Sara found out that I was going to be staying with her on the weekends, all of her worries about my returning home rushed away. In their place was a revelation that she finally got to bring me to all the things I’d been missing out on. So my schedule defaulted to hers on the weekends – which was a little overwhelming.

“I have computer class with Kelli during second period; she invited us this morning. We’re probably staying over,” she informed us.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Not only did I have plans on a Friday night, but my sleep over had a sleep over? The thought of a party sent a familiar sensation surging through my veins – panic.

“She mentioned something about it to me last week after our basketball game. I didn’t really consider it at the time. Is she letting anyone sleep over?” Drew asked.

“I don’t know,” Sara answered. This was not what she expected him to say, and I could tell she was bothered. I grinned.

“Do you want to go to the party?” My invite caused Sara to kick me under the table.

“I’ll make sure it’s still okay with Kelli. I have class with her next actually.”

“Great,” Sara forced. Her false enthusiasm was glaringly obvious to me, but Drew didn’t appear to notice.

The lunch bell rang and Drew walked us into the hall.

“I’ll see you before we leave for our game?” he confirmed.

“Yes,” I replied with a small smile.

Drew put his hands on my waist and pulled me to him. The chatter of voices and shuffling of feet surrounded us, but I didn’t resist his advances. His soft lips were warm against mine as he held them there for a prolonged moment. My heart refused to flutter, but I couldn’t deny the warmth that spread through my stomach and the swirls that danced in my head. I decided I could live without the rush, since kissing him was by no means uneventful.

“Bye,” he whispered with a small smile before walking away, leaving me looking after him.

“Ready?” Sara asked, snapping me back to the noise of the hall. She stared at me with wide eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“What are you doing?” she demanded incredulously.

“I don’t know what you mean. Aren’t we supposed to be dating?”

“I just sat with you for an hour in the girls’ bathroom –”

“Don’t, Sara.” I turned at the top of the stairs to face her. “This has nothing to do with him. I like Drew.”

Sara raised her eyebrows, challenging my statement.

“Really, I do like him,” I insisted and continued walking toward our lockers.

“Fine, maybe you like him,” Sara conceded. “But it still doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t care how amazing you think Drew is, he’s not –“

“Don’t say it, Sara,” I threatened. “Stop mentioning him. He decided to leave and I have to move on.”

“Just like that?” she challenged. I shrugged. “Don’t do anything stupid, okay? You can’t kiss your way through this.” I rolled my eyes and left her at the lockers to go to Art class.

This ended up being harder than Anatomy. Ms. Mier asked us to create an art piece depicting an emotion. She challenged us to unleash an emotion that could be felt through our artistic interpretation. A thousand different emotions surged through my head. I was fearful of exploring any one of them individually. Anxiety set in as I gathered a canvas and tried to select some colors to begin.

“Having difficulty deciding?” Ms. Mier inquired. “Or are you afraid of tapping into that emotion?” I glanced at her, recognizing her knowing words.

“I’m sorry you have to feel it,” she continued, “but I think you can create something amazing if you let yourself explore it. It may not help you heal, but it may help you process it.”

She paused, gently placed her hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “It’s okay to miss him,” before walking away.

I swallowed hard, pressing my lips together. I grabbed shades of red and orange and returned to my easel to begin processing.

During the two weeks of that assignment, I allowed myself to tap into the raw pain and drip it onto the canvas. I was true to myself with each stroke. It was a draining process, but the release was therapeutic. On several occasions, I fought to focus through blurred vision as I added layers of color, developing the pain with each shade. When I cleaned my supplies, I forced it all back into the shadows. By the time I returned to the halls, nothing remained - except for the aching murmur that took over my heart the day he left.

I moved on. I returned to playing basketball, only sitting out half of the first game after my return. I continued focusing on my academics, and found it easier now that I could escape to my room each night without the suffocating tension. I had the attention of a great guy, who easily distracted my attention whenever he was within sight. And I had guaranteed time with Sara. I was surviving as I promised I would.

27. Warmth

I caught a glimpse of his tousled golden brown hair in the sea of people. I followed after him, squeezing through the bodies, forcing myself to move faster. No matter how fast I tried to move, I couldn’t reach him. The bodies became solid and I was pushing through branches that raked my skin. I could still see him up ahead, but he didn’t look back. My legs refused to cooperate and run faster. It took every effort to propel myself forward. I couldn’t let him get away. My heart raced as I feared losing sight of him.

Suddenly the ground slid beneath me, and I didn’t see him anymore. The crumbling rocky surface continued to roll away. I tried to stop, but it was too late. I grabbed at the rocks and the loose dirt, my legs scraping along the rough surface. My fingers curled around the edge and my legs hung, suspended above the darkness. Panic enveloped me as I tried to pull myself up. The rocks started to break free from the ledge, and that’s when I saw him standing above me. I tried to reach for him, but as soon as I lifted my hand, the ground beneath the other hand gave way. I didn’t see his face when I fell. Just before I hit bottom, I shot up in bed.

I was greeted by the familiar residuals of my active sleep – the racing pulse, heavy breathing and sheen of sweat – but this time, there were tears running down my cheeks. I fell into my pillow and cried, giving way to the ache in my chest until I was too exhausted to hurt anymore and drifted back into a restless sleep.

“You look tired,” Sara observed when she picked me up the next morning.

“I haven’t been sleeping very well,” I confessed, pushing away the unsettling images of the nightmare that still clung to me.

“Are you going to last for the party tonight?”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. The thought of spending the night at Kelli Mulligan’s beach house was enough to jolt me to attention. I wasn’t concerned I was going to fall asleep – I was more concerned about going to my first party with Drew since the bon fire.

“Ready for the party tonight?” Drew asked when he met me in the parking lot.

Seeing him brought a smile to my face, as it had every morning that week when he found me at Sara’s car. Although Sara wasn’t blatantly rude, she wasn’t making any attempt to accept Drew. It was uncomfortably out of character for her. I mindfully ignored her and fell under Drew’s arm as he wrapped it around my shoulder.

“Yeah,” I responded with a forced hoorah in my voice. Why was I stressin’ over this party so much?

“It’s going to be a good one,” Drew said, pulling me against him.