Reason to Breathe

I heard every word he said, but I couldn’t comprehend a single syllable. Then I stared into his stormy blue eyes and saw what he was saying. My knees buckled - I inhaled several fast breaths. I slowly lowered myself onto the chair at the desk, staring at the floor, my breath lost.

After a few minutes of deafening silence, Evan asked, “Are you okay?”

“No,” I mouthed, shaking my head slowly. I looked up at him. “Evan, you can’t say that. You can’t mean it.”

“That’s not quite what I hoped you’d say,” he responded, the disappointment evident in his tone.

“I’m sorry…” I started.

“Don’t be, it’s okay,” he replied quickly, suddenly trying to downplay the situation. Then he thought better of it, and asked, “Are you really telling me you don’t feel the same way?” I held my breath, and my heart ached.

“I can’t, we can’t,” I stammered. “You don’t understand. It doesn’t matter how I feel, it just can’t happen.” He stared into my distraught eyes and shook his head in confusion.

“I don’t understand. What are you talking about?”

“Can’t we please just stay friends?” I begged.

“But you’re not denying that you feel the same way.”

“It’s so much more complicated than that. If we can’t be friends, then –” I couldn’t say it. “Please, can we just be friends?”

He didn’t respond. The silence was disrupted by the vibration of his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked to me. “I’ve got to take this - it’s my brother.”

I nodded and he left the room. Soon after, I heard his footsteps on the stairs.

I became aware that I was strangling my shaking hands, and released them, but was unable to loosen the knot in my throat or calm the throbbing in my chest. I took a couple breaths in attempt to push it away. I stood on my rubber legs, taking another breath before walking out of the room, closing the door behind me.

21. Just Friends

“We can be friends,” Evan said when he returned twenty minutes later. He sat next to me on the couch and grabbed my hand. The warmth of his hand sent shivers up my arm. I searched his eyes, wanting to believe him.

“I mean, we’re already friends, so nothing has to change.” The disappointment and confusion were replaced by a comforting smile. He appeared to be sincere. “Okay?”

I had no idea what had happened in that twenty minutes, but he was not the same as when he left.

“Yeah, okay,” I said slowly. I tried to smile back.

I was so afraid of seeing him in school on Monday, expecting an awkwardness between us. However, there wasn’t the tension or avoidance I anticipated. Everything was back to the way it was before the weekend ever happened – then again... it wasn’t.

I noticed his presence so much more than I had before. Every time he brushed alongside my arm when we walked down the hall, or leaned in close to whisper to me in Anatomy, it sent thousands of sparks flying through my body. I found myself smiling more and caught up in his gaze longer. It was like I was noticing him for the first time, all over again. But this time, I knew he noticed me too.

Evan sat closer, walked nearer, and looked longer. He started storing his books in my locker in between classes, placing his hand on the small of my back when reaching over me to retrieve them. These subtle touches would ignite a warmth in my chest, and release tingles up the back of my neck. He didn’t hold my hand in school, but he always found a way for the backs of our hands to lightly touch when we were near enough.

We were engaged in a very intricate dance of touching without touching, knowing without saying, and feeling without expressing. We were friends walking along a ledge, a very thin ledge - and I was too caught up in my heightened awareness of his existence to realize how close the ledge was to crumbling beneath my feet.

“What’s going on with you?” Sara asked during our ride to school on Wednesday. I hadn’t told her everything when I returned from Evan’s that Sunday afternoon. I told her about the dirt bike ride and Jake’s call, but I left out the room. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud, and since we agreed to be just friends, there was no point in saying them at all.

“What do you mean?”

“You and Evan have been acting really… different the last couple of days. Did something happen that you’re not telling me?” She glanced over at my avoiding eyes and declared, “Something did happen! Em, did he kiss you? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!”

“No, Sara, he did not kiss me,” I said emphatically.

“Then what? You two are almost too… close, or something. I can tell it’s not the same. So, what happened?”

“We’re just friends,” I emphasized.

“Did he say something?” she shot out in excitement. I couldn’t conceal my pink cheeks. “Omigod, that’s it. He finally told you how he feels about you. You have to tell me what he said.”

“Sara, it doesn’t matter,” I retorted, getting redder as I remembered exactly what he said. “We’re only going to be friends, so I’m not going to talk about it.”

Sara didn’t continue her interrogation, but a knowing smile crept on her face.

“Is Carol getting out of work early today, too?” Sara asked when we pulled into the parking lot.

“She actually took the day off so she could go shopping with her mother and start prepping everything for tomorrow. I guess her sister and her kids are getting into town tonight, so she wants to be there for that too.” The thought of Carol in the kitchen cooking was laughable. I knew she wasn’t going to measurably contribute to the Thanksgiving meal, but would gladly accept the unearned praise.

“So you can’t go home after school, can you?”

“I think I’m going over Evan’s,” I replied, as casually as I possibly could.

“Yeah, and I’m coming with you,” she insisted. I knew there was no point in arguing with her.

“Sure.” I smiled slightly, trying to hide my disappointment.

To my surprise, Evan seemed perfectly accepting of gaining a chaperone. When we arrived at his house after a useless half-day of classes, I discovered why. Alongside his mother’s BMW was a silver Volvo with New York license plates.

“Your brother?” I concluded.

“He got in late last night.”

The side door opened as it did before, and Vivian exited wiping her hands on a white apron tied around her waist – evidently she did cook. She was stunning once again with her hair twisted neatly off of her face. She wore a full black skirt that fell below her knees and a pair of black boots that rose to meet it, along with a tailor fitted white blouse.

Behind her was a tall blond who was obviously her oldest son and the opposite of Evan in just about every way. Jared had shaggy blond hair that flipped out at the tops of his ears. His features resembled his mother’s soft lines and thin lips, with her sparkling blue eyes. Jared was slightly taller than Evan, with a broader, more muscular build.

“Who’s that?” I heard Sara whisper in my ear as they approached.

“Evan’s mother and brother,” I said quickly.

“Emily, how are you darling?” she asked, giving me the same embrace but adding a peck on the cheek. I still had a hard time returning the gesture due to its brevity.

“It’s nice to see you again, Mrs. Mathews.”

“Vivian, please. We are already acquainted, so we can forego the formalities,” she insisted, smiling brightly.

“Jared, this is Emma,” Evan declared proudly.

“Hi, I’ve heard a lot about you,” Jared replied, extending his hand. I gave Evan a brief questioning glance, he responded with a quick rise of his eyebrows.

“This is my friend, Sara,” I introduced, after she nudged my elbow for the second time.

“Sara, it’s very nice to meet you. I met your parents. They are wonderful people,” Vivian welcomed, shaking her hand. Before Jared could say anything to Sara, Vivian turned to me to ask, “Will you be staying for dinner?”

“Mom,” Evan stressed, alarmed by the invitation, “it’s the day before Thanksgiving. I’m sure Emma needs to get home to her family.”

“Well, another time then,” she said, ignoring his curtness.

“Of course,” I promised.

“We’re going upstairs to play pool,” Evan announced before his mother could make any other impromptu invitations. He grabbed my hand and escorted me to the garage.

“It was nice seeing you again,” I blurted quickly as we passed Vivian.

Sara and Jared followed behind us.

While Evan turned on the music and got us drinks, and Jared collected the pool balls on the table, Sara cornered me.

“What was that about?” she demanded. “His mother is practically gushing over you. Not to mention that he’s holding your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Forget about dating - are you having a wedding you forgot to invite me to?”

“Sara!” I exclaimed a little too loudly, shocked by her words. Her eyes widened at my volume, and we both glanced around to make certain the guys hadn’t overheard.

“Stop being stupid,” I whispered. “I met his mother at the dinner, remember? And he grabbed my hand to drag me away before she said anything else that would embarrass him.”

“Whatever you say,” she replied, not convinced.

“You two ready?” Evan called from the pool table.

Evan and I were a team against Jared and Sara. Throughout the game we engaged in casual conversation about Cornell, soccer, the upcoming basketball season and Thanksgiving plans. I could feel Sara boring holes through me every time Evan leaned over me with his hand on my hip, adjusting my angle for the tougher shots. Then again, the searing heat could have been my heart pressed against my chest.

“So, what’s with mom?” Jared asked when Evan was taking his shot. Evan waited until he knocked the nine ball into the corner pocket before he answered.

“You mean downstairs when we got here?” Evan confirmed.

“Yeah, that was strange,” Jared noted.

“Um, actually, I didn’t get to tell you this either, Emma.” I raised my eyebrows when he looked over toward me. “I told you that Emma went to the Jacobs’ with us for dinner last weekend, right?”

“Yeah, and I am so sorry you had to suffer through that,” Jared empathized. I grinned in acknowledgement, too anxious to hear what Evan had to share to say anything.

“Well, it turns out quiet Dr. Eckel likes to gossip,” he looked at me with a grin. My eyes widened, catching on. “Emma was sitting next to Dr. Eckel, and I guess he overheard Catherine’s…”

“Pathetic charm,” I interjected. Evan smiled at my choice of words.

“Sara you know about this, right?” Evan assumed. She nodded, trying to suppress a smile that drew color along Evan’s neck. “Anyway, he also heard Emma’s not so subtle reactions to some of the things she said.”