Reason to Breathe

The tension was unbearable in the awkward silence. I was still struggling to say something that would make him give up on me; but every time I went to say it, the words were strangled in my throat. Finally, when he pulled into a parking spot and shut off the car, I looked over at him and said the only thing my heart would allow me to say.

“You should stay,” I encouraged, as a smile crept across my face. Then I quickly added, “But you’ll probably wish you hadn’t when you finally realize I’m not all that interesting.” His eyes sparkled and I watched the tension drain from his face.

As much as I knew it was the right thing to do, I couldn’t continue to push him away. I searched for a logical reason to remain friends with him without finding one. It was a risk having him around, and he could never know the truth - but I wasn’t ready to give him up.

“Did you really unpack?” I asked skeptically as we walked into the school.

“Actually I did – the other night after I got back from dropping you off. I think you guilted me into it.”

I laughed. “So that’s the secret to getting to you – guilt.”

“There are other ways,” he replied with his grin.

About to respond to his taunting, I stopped, realizing where we were. I searched to see if Sara was at her locker from the end of the hall. I let out a defeated sigh when I saw that she wasn’t.

“How do I get her to listen to me?” I murmured, still staring down the hall.

“Maybe you have to make her,” Evan answered before walking away toward his locker.

Crushed with the acceptance that this was going to be another day of avoidance, I slowly sauntered to my locker to prepare for class. I remained hollow, but I was beginning to accept the emptiness as a part of me.

I was able to listen in class and understand the lectures. I walked alongside Evan and heard his words, and even contributed to the conversation. But my eyes still searched for her in the halls, continuously disappointed when she was too far away, or if I didn’t see her at all.

I tried to convince myself to give up on her and accept that I was alone in my truth. That’s when it hit me – the truth. I stopped in the middle of the hall with Evan in mid-sentence. His words faded when he turned back to find me.

“Are you okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“I think I am.” I said each word slowly, contemplating my epiphany - she knew the truth. Evan appeared worried. I turned my attention to him and grinned.

This did not change his look of concern, but he didn’t say anything as we continued to Anatomy. Once class let out, I hurried into the hall, leaving Evan questioning my retreat. I almost ran to my locker, hoping I’d get there in time. I breathed an anxious sigh of relief when I found her still putting her books away in her locker. I moved to intercept her before she could walk away.

Spotting my approach, Sara attempted to escape in the opposite direction. Thankfully, she was alone. I followed after her and before she could exit through the doors leading to the stairs, I bellowed, “That wasn’t me.”

Sara stopped in her tracks when she heard my voice but didn’t turn to face me. I caught up with her and stood behind her, close enough so my words wouldn’t draw attention.

“I know I said some horrible things, Sara, and I will always be sorry for what I said,” I offered in a rush before she could change her mind and keep walking. “But you know that wasn’t me.”

She turned apprehensively, without responding.

“Can we please talk?” I begged. She shrugged and pushed the door open. I followed her down the stairs and out the side door where she sat on the grass beside the school. She rested her arms on her bent knees, staring straight ahead without looking at me.

I slowly sat beside her and let my words float into the air, in hopes that she’d hear them.

“I’m so, so sorry for what I said to you. I wasn’t myself, and I hope you know that. I was hurting, and angry, and unfortunately you were there to receive it. It wasn’t right. But you know that person is not who I am.”

Sara tilted her head to look over at me, so I knew she was starting to understand.

“I don’t get angry. It feels horrible, and I can’t stand to be like that. If I do… If I let her get to me, then she wins. She destroys me along with everything and everyone who’s important to me.

“I let her get to me that day. I was consumed by it. I shouldn’t have said what I did, but I also couldn’t let you tell anyone. I know how easy it would be to end all of this, but I can’t. It’s not just my life I have to think about. Taking Leyla and Jack away from their parents would destroy them, and I can’t be responsible for that. I’m strong enough to handle this. They’re still kids, so I have to put up with it for a little while longer. Do you understand?”

Sara’s eyes brimmed with tears. She looked away so she could wipe them.

“I know I don’t have any right to ask you to be there for me. It’s not the ideal friendship to be involved in, but I know I can get through this if you’re there to help me. You’re the only one who really knows me, and I trust you. I will never ask you to lie for me, and I will never make you be a part of anything you don’t want to. But the thought that you may never talk to me again hurts worse than anything Carol could ever do to me. I don’t want to lose you too.”

My heart stammered at the honesty I spilled at her feet. I had never been this exposed, not even to Sara. I couldn’t take back the words. I couldn’t hide my vulnerability. I knew I meant what I said more than any bitter, hurtful word I spewed in the locker room, and I hoped the truth was enough.

I waited in tense silence. “You haven’t lost me, Em,” she finally whispered. “You’re right, as much as I don’t understand it - you’re not an angry person. Sad and withdrawn, definitely - but not angry; even though you have every right to be.” She paused.

“I knew you didn’t mean what you said. The reason I haven’t been able to face you is because I get so angry when I look at you.” I was confused by her confession. “I hate this woman for hurting you. It makes me so angry I can hardly contain myself, and I don’t like feeling angry either. But you’re right – this is exactly what she wants – to isolate and destroy anything positive you have. We can’t let that happen. I know you’re strong enough to do it without me, but I’m not ready to quit being your friend either.” Her eyes glistened as she offered me a soft smile.

I tried to blink away the wetness in my eyes. Sara stood up and opened her arms to hug me. I stood as well, and I let her without tensing.

She pulled away and smiled, wiping the tears from her cheeks again. “Let’s get one thing straight,” she said looking me in the eye with all seriousness, “if you ever call me a slut again, I will never speak to you. I know what I’m doing, so stay out of it. Got it?”

“Yes, I got it,” I promised sincerely. “I am still really sorry about that.”

“I know,” she replied, grabbing my hand. “And I’m sorry I threatened to expose you. I understand why you’re doing this. I hate it - I’m not going to lie. But I’m here for you, no matter what.”

This time, I hugged her tightly. “Thanks.”

16. The Plan

We walked to the cafeteria together. When we neared the entrance, Sara said, “We have to come up with a plan.”

“What kind of plan?”

“You deserve to be happy. I’ve noticed how much more relaxed you’ve been since Evan’s been a bad influence. So, let’s figure out a way for you to get into college, survive living with your aunt and uncle, and still have fun.”

“That sounds impossible,” I said, shaking my head.

“We’ll be smart about it,” she winked.

“You did not just wink at me.”

“Shut up,” she said, playfully shoving my arm. Thankfully not the arm with the fresh bruise.

When we were seated at the lunch table with our trays of food, Sara continued with her thoughts. It was obvious that she’d given this some attention before today.

“Okay, you and Evan have already started doing what I have in mind. You know, with pushing your “at school time”, and going to the library. I think we can try to expand it to a Friday or Saturday night so you can stay over my house. It will definitely work the nights you have basketball games, but the game will take up most of the night and not give us much time to do anything else. I have to figure out an excuse that they’ll buy to get you out of their house as much I can.”

She was right - I was already stretching the little freedom I had when I claimed to be at school or the library. What was another night? Then I remembered Carol’s suspicious interrogation, sending an icy chill down my spine as the doubt settled in. How was I going to get away with this?

“But Emma,” Sara stated seriously, “if you ever get caught, I will not let her hurt you. I will tell my parents, or call the police, before I allow you to get hurt for my plan. Okay?” From the stern look upon her face, I knew she meant it.

“Okay,” I whispered, knowing I’d never let it happen. “Sara, while we’re talking about that – you have to trust me.” I could tell she didn’t quite understand. “I know what I can handle. Even though it’s not right, it’s the way things are until I can get out of their house. So you have to trust me when I don’t tell you what happens sometimes, okay?”

Sara paused for a moment, absorbing my words. “Emma, always be honest with me.” I connected with her penetrating eyes and nodded slightly – again knowing I wouldn’t.

On our way back up to our lockers, Sara turned to me and asked eagerly, “Are you and Evan officially dating yet?”

I rolled my eyes. “That still will not happen.”

“I don’t understand why not,” she teased.

Sara’s smile got bigger when we found Evan waiting at my locker. He released a smile when he saw Sara walking with me.

“Hi Sara,” he said, still smiling.

“Hi Evan,” she greeted, smiling back.

“Ready for Journalism?” he asked. “Oh, Em, do you think you’ll be able to finish with the paper during class and study period so that maybe we can do something after practice?”

“That’s perfect,” Sara interjected, before I could answer. “Let’s go back to my house and get pizzas and hang out.” She was thrilled to have an accomplice in Operation: Free-Em. She was almost jumping up and down.

Evan took in her over joyous response with pause, having no idea what Sara and I had been discussing during lunch.

“Sara’s trying to come up with a plan to expose me to the world outside of school and my house, and you’re just feeding into it,” I explained.

“That’s always been my plan,” Evan admitted. Sara beamed.

“I hope I know what I’m getting myself into,” I said with a sigh and a roll of my eyes.

“The chance to live a little,” Sara offered, barely able to contain her enthusiasm.