Reason to Breathe

Evan set his backpack next to his desk and pushed a couple of buttons on his laptop. Music hummed through the speakers that were suspended in each corner of the room. The soothing acoustics and rhythmic melodies filled the bedroom.

“Sorry, I don’t have anywhere to sit besides the bed,” he said, offering me one of the bottles of soda he had in his hands.

I remained still inside the doorway. My heart found a rhythm from within the cave where it was held captive. Sit on his bed, really? I slowly walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, not ready to commit to putting my legs up.

Evan propped up one of his pillows against the headboard and sat next to me on the deep red comforter. I knew I had to move further onto his bed in order to face him. I pushed my shoes off and shuffled towards the foot of the bed, sitting opposite of him with my legs crossed beneath me.

“I don’t like seeing you upset,” he finally said.

“Sorry,” was all I could find to say, looking down at my hands.

“I wish I could do something to make you feel better. Can you tell me what happened?” I shook my head. Silence followed for a minute as the comforting tunes continued in the background.

“Sara will talk to you again,” Evan said as if it were a fact.

“I don’t know if she will,” I whispered. My chest ached thinking about why she may not. “I said some pretty terrible things.” My eyes brimmed with tears that I tried to blink away.

Evan scooted toward me and placed his warm hand on my cheek, brushing away the escaped tear.

“She’ll forgive you,” he said lowly. He pulled me towards him and put his arms around me. I buried my head in his chest and released the seeping tears. After a time, I collected myself and pulled away.

“How is it you always see me at my best?” I asked, trying to smile, feeling emotionally exposed.

“It’s not a bad thing.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant, but decided to leave it alone.

“Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure.”

I entered the small bathroom with the pedestal sink, toilet and glass enclosed shower, closing the door behind me. I rinsed the emotions away, splashing my face with cool water. I took in the light brown eyes looking back at me and urged myself to recover. After drying my face with a towel, I inhaled a calming breath before opening the door. It didn’t hurt that the breath contained Evan’s soothing scent.

Evan was sitting against the headboard again, flipping through channels on the flat-screen.

“Still haven’t unpacked?” I asked, nodding toward the boxes marked “Evan’s room” that remained unopened under the empty built-in bookcase, and another box beneath the only window.

“Getting there,” he replied casually.

“How is it that the rest of your house looks like people have been here for years, and you can’t finish putting away a few boxes?”

Evan let out a quick laugh.

“We have moving down to a science. My mother plans out in advance where everything is to be displayed, stored, and hung; then they hire the same moving company we’ve used for every move. They not only pack and move us, but then unpack us when they arrive. We walk in, and this is already done. The only thing they don’t touch is my stuff.”

“And…” I pushed for him to explain the reason for his taped boxes.

“Well… I haven’t decided if I’m staying.” Something shot through me – I couldn’t tell what it was, but it felt a little like panic.

“Oh,” I murmured.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.” I walked around to the vacant side of the bed and propped the other pillow up to sit next to Evan.

He found an action movie he had saved in his digital movie library. I didn’t last very long before my eyes became heavy. Being miserable was exhausting. I surrendered to their weight and drifted to sleep.

“Emma,” Evan whispered in my ear. It took me a minute to comprehend that his voice was real. “Em, the movie’s over.” His voice sounded too close.

My eyes popped open. My head had slipped into the hollow of his shoulder, with his arm resting on the top of my pillow. I pushed myself up to sit on my own, still trying to blink the sleep from my eyes.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep through the entire thing.” I stretched my arms over my head, expecting to be sore or stiff – surprised to find that I wasn’t.

“It’s okay,” he said with a laugh. “I think you drooled on my shirt though.”

My mouth dropped open. “I did not.”

“I’m just kidding.” He laughed louder.

“You’re such a jerk,” I declared, throwing my pillow at his head.

Evan took the pillow and swung it back at me. I jumped up, standing on the bed, and grabbed the pillow from behind him. I swung it, connecting with his back. He tackled my legs out from under me, and I toppled on the bed, igniting my back. He proceeded to pelt me in the face with a pillow.

“That’s cheating,” I murmured from under the pillow, trying to dismiss my discomfort. “No tackling.”

“You can tackle,” he defended.

“Fine.” I charged, pushing him onto his back with all my force and sat on his chest, pinning down his arms with my knees, connecting his face with the swing of a pillow.

“Uh, playing dirty,” he grunted as he flipped me over, easily sliding his arms out from under my weight. He was poised over me with his hands on either side of my head, his body still, between my knees. He held himself above me, looking down with a smirk. I could feel his warm breath on my face, and the burning along my back disappeared. We both recognized at the same time the close proximity of our bodies and that neither of us was holding a pillow. I stopped breathing, looking up at him with wide eyes, watching his smirk slowly disappear.

“Want to play pool?” I asked, quickly rolling out from under him as he fell to his side. In a continuous motion, I stood and grabbed my shoes before leaving the room. Evan looked after me from his bed, still propped up on his side as I scurried down the stairs.

He sauntered into the kitchen with his cheeks flushed.

“Want a bottle of water?” he offered, casually opening the refrigerator.

“Sure,” I said, unable to ignore the fire engulfing my back from the pillow fight. “Do you mind if we play darts instead?” I asked. While his back was turned, I washed down a few ibuprofen that I had stuffed in my pocket.

“Works for me,” Evan commented, studying my face for a moment. I grinned before he saw the pain dart across my eyes. He grinned back and I followed him to the garage.

After a few rounds of practice, my thoughts drifted to the unpacked boxes in his room.

“I thought you liked it here?” I watched him hesitate before throwing a dart.

“What do you mean?”

“You said you didn’t know if you were staying, and that’s why you haven’t unpacked.”

Evan stopped before he threw the last dart, and turned to face me. “Are you worried you’d miss me if I left?” he asked with a wry grin.

I raised my eyebrows in disapproval – I refused to answer.

“I like it here,” he finally said, after tossing his last dart. “Honestly, I’ve never completely unpacked anywhere. I still had unopened boxes after living in San Francisco for over two years.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, stopping to think about it. “Maybe I was never completely convinced I was going to stay – and look, I was right. You didn’t answer my question – would it bother you if I left?”

I shrugged, “I’d survive.” I smiled, giving away my inability to be serious.

“Now you’re the jerk,” he said, smirking back. “Don’t worry; I won’t throw darts at you.”

The rest of the afternoon passed with darts and foosball, allowing my back to cool to a simmer. Evan still won every game; but he appeared impressed when I didn’t lose by much. I kept my sorrow at bay while in his company, thankful he helped me escape the rest of my day at school. It was so hard to be there with Sara, knowing she was so angry with me. But it was harder to go home.

My smile faded when I got into his car. Evan noticed my solemn transition, but he didn’t say anything to distract me from my silence as I braced myself for the tension that still festered in my house.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said softly, as I opened the car door. I nodded and then stopped to look at him.

“Thank you for today.” I offered him a small smile. He lightly smiled back.

“Whose car was that?” Carol questioned as soon as I walked through the door.

“Sara’s car is getting a tune up,” I lied; a spasm of anxious nerves shot from my stomach through my chest, fearing she’d see right through it. I kept walking to my room without hesitating before I could find out.

~~~~~

I was greeted with the same mixed feelings of seeing Evan’s car when I walked down my driveway the next morning. The improbability of Sara forgiving me was sinking in. I was so very cruel; how could I blame her. Besides, why would she want to put up with my insane life anymore? I wasn’t sure how I was still coping.

I knew I’d never be able to confide in Evan the way I did Sara. I was still struggling with allowing him to be as close as he was. I suppose I was selfish to think that Sara would always be there. We came from two completely different worlds, and the reality of these differences was unavoidable. It was only a matter of time.

Evan allowed me to grieve without much intervention. He escorted me through the bustle of the halls to each of my classes, and somehow, I got through the day. The teachers’ incoherent lessons hummed in my ears. The minutes crept, and the hollowness grew. Sometime during the day, Evan disappeared too. I almost didn’t notice until I rounded the corner to my locker and saw him standing in front of it with his back to me.

Evan was talking to someone. He seemed really upset. Then I saw the red hair shaking back and forth. My feet kept me moving forward against my will. I couldn’t hear their voices, but her face looked so sad. Evan’s hands were pleading.

Then I heard, “Sara, please tell me what happened. She’s devastated, and I need to understand why.”

“If she hasn’t told you, then I can’t.”

Her eyes caught mine. I froze a few lockers away, unable to process what was happening. Sara closed her locker and rushed away. Evan slowly turned to acknowledge me. I examined him with narrowed eyes, trying to understand.

“Why did you do that?” I accused, horrified.

“If you only knew what I’ve seen for the past two days, you would have done the same thing.”

I still didn’t understand. His intrusion rocked me, and I needed to get away from him. I turned and dodged my way through the crowd, my books still clutched to my chest.

“Emma, wait,” he pleaded, but he didn’t come after me.

I ducked into the bathroom and found an empty stall. I pressed my back against the partition, remembering Sara’s sad expression. I allowed the tears to burn down my cheeks while the scene replayed in my head. I didn’t know why I wasn’t relieved that she hadn’t told anyone about my situation - maybe because I never thought she would.