Reason to Breathe

We pulled up to my house in tense silence. I got out of the car and shut the door before he could make me face my betrayal with another question.

Dazed, I walked up the driveway to the back door. I looked around, perplexed, when I found it locked. That’s when I realized the driveway was empty. I was too entangled in my whirling emotions to care that I was locked out of the house. I sat on the top step of the deck and wrapped myself in my jacket against the cold October evening. I brought my knees up to my chest and collapsed my head in them, releasing my regret. I cried until the muscles in my chest hurt and my sobs were tearless.

When the anger washed away, I was left sad, defeated and alone. The darkness surrounded me while I waited for someone to come home. I shivered against the cold wind whipping against me. I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there, but I was startled from my hollowness when the headlights illuminated the driveway. Suddenly comprehending what this might mean, my stomach released a surge of paralyzing fear.

When George walked around the side of the house alone, I released the tension with a long breath.

“Carol and the kids are staying over at her mother’s tonight,” George stated as he unlocked the door. I followed him in silence. Before I could retreat to my cave, he added, “I don’t know what happened between you two today, but I want you to take it easy on her.”

The statement threw a shocked look across my face that I knew he saw.

“She’s under a lot of stress at work, and she needs to be able to relax at home,” he explained. “Do what you can to make it easy for her.”

I stared at him for a second, before I whispered, “Okay.” My stomach turned in disgust as I continued toward my room. He was never around to see what happened – he couldn’t feel guilty for what he refused to see.

I entered the dark room, closing the door behind me - not bothering to turn on the light. I dropped my jacket on the floor and collapsed onto my bed, falling into a restless sleep.

I couldn’t breathe. I grasped at my neck, trying to loosen the tightening cord as my feet were pulled off the bed. I couldn’t see in the dark, but I could feel my body sway with each jerk of the thin rope. I tried to reach above me to find something to pull myself up on. The line was cutting into my neck, crushing my trachea. I became dizzy with the pressure building in my head and the screaming of my lungs, demanding the air that would never come.

14. Hollow

I woke up gasping, drenched in sweat. I slowly rolled on my side, trying to orient myself as I sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. My turtleneck was sticking to my enflamed back, and all I could feel was the burning. I slipped into the bathroom with the sound of the TV in the kitchen, where I’m sure George was drinking coffee and reading the paper.

I slowly peeled off my turtleneck, revealing the swollen red striations of different lengths sprawled across my back. Most of the marks were superficial, with a few scabbed over. The lashes were thin, but the swelling made them appear so much worse.

Pushing away the sorrow, I eased into the shower, wishing I could wash away the pain along with the sweat that still clung to me from my nightmare

I stayed in my room for the remainder of the day. I forced myself to focus on homework assignments I had yet to complete. It allowed the day to slip by, but my lack of concentration made the work twice as long to finish.

I heard Carol and the kids return in the early afternoon. I stayed out of sight until I was startled by the door opening and found Carol standing in its frame.

“They need to know you’re okay, so be happy to see them,” she said coldly. “Come eat.”

After allowing the paralysis to wear off, I walked to the dining room.

“Emma!” Leyla greeted me with a huge hug. I didn’t flinch against the stinging pain when I bent over to put my arms around her.

“Did you have fun at Nanna’s?” I asked. Leyla responded with a jubilant recollection of her time at Janet’s house.

My eyes caught Jack’s and I smiled at him reassuringly. He cautiously examined my smile, determined it was genuine, and smiled back. I could see the light in his eyes again, and I smiled bigger.

“We went to the aquarium today,” Jack announced, adding to Leyla's exclamations about sharks and starfish.

I sat in my seat and focused my attention on their stories while I ate the meal George had prepared. I didn’t look at Carol or George throughout dinner. After everyone left the table, I performed what was expected of me. The entire time, I couldn’t escape the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I finally went to bed, I lay awake, thinking about what was going to happen in the morning. I tried to remember if I knew where the bus stop was, fearing Sara wasn’t going to be waiting for me.

~~~~~

Sara wasn’t waiting for me. As happy as I was to see his car, it meant that I’d hurt Sara even more than I could have imagined, and that was crushing.

I opened the car door to Evan’s warm smile. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” I offered a small smile in return. “Thank you for picking me up. I really appreciate it.” I was filled with his intoxicating clean scent upon entering the car. Not a bad way to start the morning.

“Not a problem,” he returned casually. After a minute of driving, Evan finally said, “I was hoping to see you at the library yesterday. I had a great plan to cheer you up.”

I bit my lip. “I am so sorry. I completely forgot. It wasn’t the best weekend of my life.”

“I understand,” he replied. “You seem a little better today.”

“I’m okay,” I said quietly. Knowing Sara wasn’t able to be in the same car with me meant that nothing about me was okay. My chest hurt with the thought that she might not forgive me.

“How was the game on Friday?” I asked, attempting to sound interested.

“Weslyn lost, but it was close.”

“Did you end up going to the dance?”

“No, I met my brother and some of his friends in New York. We went to a bar to check out this local band.” Then he continued to tell me about his night and that I’d have to look up the band to download a few songs. I tried to be attentive to his story, but I became more distracted the closer we got to school.

I’m not sure how much of what Evan said I heard, because I was snapped back to the confines of the car when he said, “I have to find a way to get you to New York.”

“What?! No - there is no way I’m going to New York.” Then I looked over at him and his lips were pressed into a devious half smile. “Nice. That’s exactly what I need in the morning – a heart attack.”

“I was just seeing if you were paying attention,” he said, still smirking.

After a short silence, he consoled, “I promise it will get better.” I knew he was promising something he knew nothing about, but I forced an appreciative smile anyway.

The halls seemed so long and crowded today – it felt like it took forever to reach my locker. My heart was thumping loudly when I rounded the corner, but it sank when I saw that there wasn’t anyone at the locker next to mine. I gathered my books and slipped into homeroom without looking at anyone. I sat in the first available desk and waited for the daily announcements and attendance so I could begin my excruciatingly long day. I couldn’t bring myself to look around the room to see if Sara was there.

I did see Sara as the day progressed. Her vibrant red hair was easy to spot amongst the other bodies occupying the halls. She was usually walking alongside Jill or Jason. So, I knew she was in school; however she chose to place herself in a space other than where I was. I watched her from a distance, wishing she would look at me and know how sorry I was. But I couldn’t tell her since she wasn’t there to listen.

Evan accompanied me to every class, even the ones he wasn’t in with me. My heart would have been fluttering uncontrollably by his constant presence if it hadn’t already sunk into my stomach. At first, he tried to pre-occupy me with superficial conversation about topics I couldn’t recall even if I tried. Once he realized I wasn’t listening and was just nodding politely, he stopped trying to distract me.

I was too consumed with my own remorse and misery to consider how he must have felt walking alongside a shell of a human being. I wasn’t whole; the guilt was eating away at me – slowly devouring my insides.

When we left Journalism with Sara’s presence still burning beside me, Evan said, “Let’s get out of here.” Was it the end of the day already? “You can’t be here anymore. Let’s get your things and we’ll go to my house and hang out.”

Registering what was happening, I asked, “Don’t you have soccer practice?” I knew coach had given us the day off, planning to work us hard for the next three days before our game on Friday – but I was pretty sure the guys still had practice since their game was on Thursday.

“I told one of the guys to tell coach that I have a doctor’s appointment.”

I couldn’t come up with a reason to reject his invitation. I followed him to my locker and threw books in my bag, not paying attention to whether I needed them or not. Then Evan led me to his locker where he grabbed his things.

I didn’t remember driving to his house. The next moment I was aware of was when we slowed down to pull into his driveway. I looked around, dazed, wondering where my thoughts had taken me in the time it took us to drive here. Did Evan try to talk to me? Did I answer him?

“We’re here,” he announced. The way his voice cut through the air let me know we’d driven in silence, and perhaps I’d fallen asleep.

I took a deep breath and got out of the car. Before I took a step toward the house, I said, “Evan, I’m not sure you really want to hang out with me today.”

He stopped on the steps of the porch. “Of course I do. Come on.”

I wanted to force myself to put up a pleasant pretense so that his efforts to cheer me up wouldn’t be completely lost. I searched within the shadows but couldn’t find a persona that was remotely convincing. I decided to do my best not to be completely devastating.

Evan grabbed two bottles from the refrigerator and continued down the long hall which opened up into a brightly lit space containing a piano and a built-in bookcase. Besides some large planted trees, there wasn’t anything else in the window encased room except for a set of winding wooden stairs that led to a landing overlooking the perimeter of the room.

I followed Evan up the stairs into a door off of the landing. The dark room was much smaller than Sara’s, but still twice the size of mine – and with it’s own bathroom. Overlapping images of athletes and musicians covered the wall behind his bed. A simple black desk with a rolling chair was set in the opposing corner – above it hung a board with pins securing snapshots of friends and creased concert tickets. The queen sized bed filled the center of the room with the headboard set against the wall. A tall bureau displayed a flat-screen television, and a closet ran along the same wall as the entrance. The bed and tower of drawers were stained a deep espresso, adding to the darkness of the space.