Reason to Breathe

Haley stepped back, keeping her hands on the back of his neck. “We were just going inside to get another drink. Join us.” Her eyes met mine, then traced along my arm. Her eyes tightened when she realized that my hand ended in his.

“Oh,” she said, quickly dropping her hands from his neck. “I didn’t know you were here with someone.” She eyed me up and down cynically.

“Sorry, Haley,” Evan said sympathetically, “we were just heading down to the fire pit.” He pulled me a little closer, wrapping his arm around me. My breathing stopped as I remained immobilized by his side.

“I guess I’ll see you later then,” Haley almost sulked. She flipped back her hair before strutting into the house, followed by the two aghast girls who’d been standing next to her.

Evan turned to face me, his hand still on my back, drawing me in so we could talk as people squeezed by us. It remained difficult to breathe while looking up at him, with my heart continuing to pound through my sweater.

“Still want to go to the fire pit?”

I nodded with wide eyes.

As he turned to head down the stairs, I missed his hand, and we were separated. In that brief second, I was aggressively pulled in the opposite direction, with the exclamation, "Emma Thomas! I heard you were here.” The tug dragged me right into the large frame of Scott Kirkland.

“I can’t believe you came to my party. This is the best night ever,” he declared in slurred speech. Perfect - he wasn’t just drunk, he was obliterated.

“Thanks for having me, Scott.” I tried to step back from his strangling embrace. “It’s a great party.”

He peered down at me with his half closed eyes and breathed heavily in my face. “Would you go out with me?”

“Um… that’s really nice of you.” I struggled to find the words while pushing him away with a little more force. “But…” The panic rose in my stomach and spread into my chest. I started breathing faster as I remained trapped against him. I needed to get away from him, but he didn’t show any signs of releasing me.

“Hey, Scott,” Evan greeted Scott with an overly emphatic pat on the back. “This is a great party.”

“Thanks, Evan,” he slurred. “Evan, this is Emma Thomas.” Scott captured me against his body with one arm. I had no idea he was so big, or strong, for that matter. I almost fit entirely under his arm. I looked up at Evan in despair, trying to squirm away - I wasn’t making much headway.

“Yeah, I know,” Evan began.

“Emma and I are going to go to homecoming together,” Scott declared, interrupting Evan. “Right, Emma?”

I was finally able to back my way out from under his arm. My face was bright red, and my hair clung to my cheeks. He lifted his arm in confusion, searching for me.

Evan took my shaking hand and gently guided me next to him. I tried to regain my breath, overcome with the sudden need to sit down.

“Emma, I think Sara’s looking for you.” Evan scanned my face in concern. “Scott, we’ll be right back.”

Before Scott could respond, Evan held my hand tightly and led me down the stairs. My knees buckled slightly, but I recovered and kept my feet moving beneath me. We went around the corner, and I collapsed on the stone wall under the deck.

Evan crouched in front of me and looked up, trying to meet my eyes. “Are you okay? That was crazy. I’m sorry I lost you.”

I took a deep breath and tried to will my hands to stop shaking. I couldn’t understand why I was so worked up. Evan gingerly took my hands in his and looked at me intently, trying to get me to focus on him. I stared straight ahead, desperately needing to pull myself together. I barely noticed he was there.

There was something about the crowd, the smell of liquor rolling in the air swirled with cigarette smoke that transported me to another place - a place I could barely remember, but I had a feeling I didn’t want to return. There was no space amongst the bodies. No space to breathe or move without being touched and jostled. The confinement and groping created a storm that erupted before I knew how to contain it. I shivered, not wanting to remember what was beginning to stir.

“Emma, look at me,” he soothed. “Are you okay?”

I found his blue eyes and began to focus. My face became hot when I realized what I must have looked like to him. I tried to stand up, and he backed up to give me space, but my legs weren’t as ready as my mind. I wobbled - he caught me by my elbows and pulled me into him to steady me.

I felt his breath against my face when he peered down to examine me. “Maybe you should sit down again.” But he didn’t move to let me go.

My pulse quickened with the warmth of his body against me as my hands rested on the hard curves of his chest. I looked up at him, but he was too close. I panicked and backed away. He let me go easily.

We stood still for a second, until I finally said without looking up at him, “I’m fine, really.” I was mortified as my quivering body betrayed me. I must have appeared so pathetic.

“This was probably not the best first party for you,” Evan said gently. “Maybe you should try something with about ten people before you jump to a hundred.”

I pressed my lips into a smile and shrugged. He offered a warm smile in return.

“Do you want to leave?”

“No, you stay,” I encouraged, determined to regain my composure. “I’m fine. I’m going to sit by the fire.”

We continued to walk around the corner, where a cut stone patio lay next to the dark silhouette of trees along the perimeter of the property. In the center sat a stone wall encasing a blazing fire. There were two dozen chairs around the fire, but only half were occupied. I sat down in a chair on the opposite side of the small group, who were talking and giggling in low voices.

“Evan,” I pleaded, “go have fun. I’ll wait here for Sara. Thank you for bailing me out tonight, but I can take care of myself. I swear.” His delving eyes tried to read my face, making me wish I could disappear and erase the whole night. I stared into the fire, unable to bare his silent inquisition.

“I’ll be right back,” he assured me. “I’ll find Sara and get us something to drink, okay?” The careful tone of his voice fueled my embarrassment. I still couldn’t look at him as he walked toward the house. I couldn’t believe I let him see me like this, unable to fend for myself. I fumed in disgust at my vulnerability. I didn’t want Evan to think I needed protecting. I pulled back my torment and let the numb blanket envelop me, pushing away the stirred memories, the noise of the crowd, and the trembling that still lay beneath the surface. I stared at the flames licking at the darkness and everything was lost as I sank deeper into nothingness.

“You know it’s raining, right?” Evan asked from the seat next to me. I looked around, snapping back from my empty place. I was the only one sitting in front of the dwindling flames. A steady, cold rain pasted my hair to my face, causing me to shiver. Evan stared at the few defiant flames that remained, ignoring the rain while holding his black camera case.

“Are you going to stop talking to me?” Evan asked quietly.

A smile spread across my face, turning my head toward him. “No.” I started to laugh.

“What?!” he asked, surprised by my reaction. A half-smile crept across his face as he tried to get the joke.

“I get accosted by a drunken bear and completely freak out, humiliating myself, and you‘re afraid I’m not going to talk to you?!” I laughed again.

Evan smiled lightly, still not getting the humor in my explanation.

“Why were you humiliated?” Serious once again.

I shrugged - hugging my knees into my chest, trying to suppress the shivering. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to explain my vulnerability to him. He waited patiently for me to find the words. I took a deep breath.

“I saw the way you looked at me, and I know how I must have come across, reacting like that.” I looked down. “I hate that you keep seeing me at my worst. This really isn’t me.”

“Emma!” Sara hollered from under the deck before Evan could answer. “You’re crazy. Get out of the rain!”

I suddenly realized I was wearing Sara’s cashmere sweater and jumped up to join her.

“Sara, I am so sorry. I completely forgot I had your sweater on.”

“I don’t care about the sweater,” she replied. “What are you guys doing out there? You must be freezing.” Evan joined us under the deck.

“Getting some fresh air,” Evan answered with a smile. He was rubbing his arms, registering the cold.

“You’re a bad influence on her,” Sara scowled at Evan, which turned into a smile. She wasn’t good at being mad - probably as bad at it as I was at delivering my forced smiles.

“Ready to go?” she asked me.

“Where’s Jason?” I asked, not sure if I should be concerned.

“He rode home with one of the football players,” she explained with a twinkle in her eye. I knew I was going to get a good story in the car.

“Let’s walk around the house,” I suggested. “I’d rather not go back inside.”

We ran to Sara’s car, trying to avoid being in the rain as much as we could. When we got in, Sara started the engine and turned on the heat full blast. Evan leaned against my door, remaining in the rain while waiting for me to roll down the window.

He bent down to peer in through the opening. The water ran down his artistically structured face, dripping off the tip of his nose over his shivering blue lips. My breath escaped me as I took in his steel blue eyes.

“Can I call you tomorrow?”

“You can’t actually,” I grimaced. He looked confused. “It’s complicated. I don’t exactly have phone privileges.” I hated to say it out loud, but I didn’t want him to think I was rejecting him.

The questioning look didn’t quite leave his eyes, but he tried to respond understandingly, “Okay, then I’ll see you Monday.”

“Yeah, Monday.”

He lingered a second too long, and I couldn’t breathe again.

“Good night,” I finally exhaled. “Get out of the rain before you freeze to death.” He stood up and casually raised his hand to wave as I rolled up the window. He ran back into the house.

“No way! Was he going to kiss you?” Sara shrieked, breaking my lingering stare. “Emma, I swear if I wasn’t in the car, he would have kissed you.”

“No, he wouldn’t have,” I dismissed her. My heart collapsed at the thought of Evan leaning in just a little closer. I shook it off.

“You need to share details,” she demanded as we pulled onto the road.

“You first,” I insisted.

Sara didn’t hesitate. The entire ride home, she gushed about her time with Jason.

It was dark inside her house when we walked in.

“I think we beat my parents home.”

“What time is it?” I asked, having no idea how much time had passed since we left the house earlier in the evening.