Loving Lawson
Page 39She’d equally had enough. “What do you want?”
Oh, God. How could I ask for money when we’d just spat in each other’s faces? I swallowed hard and hesitated. She watched me carefully, crossing her arms in that authoritative way. It was time to put aside my pride.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking down at the porch. I was pretty sure it was the first time I’d ever apologized for anything in my life to her. “You’re right. I was a shitty kid when it came to Ryker. I defied you over him because I thought I saw something in him, but… you were right all along.”
She didn’t reply. I was sure I’d floored her.
“He… left behind a lot of bad, and it’s because of that I’m here. I need your help.”
“Help with what?” she asked cautiously.
“I need money –”
She interrupted with a sharp intake of breath. It sounded like a hiss to me. “How much money are we talking about?”
“Five grand would really help.”
“I don’t even have two cents to rub together, Allie.”
“Well, I mean, anything would help, really. I’ll pay you back.”
She shook her head, giving me a big fat no. “I don’t have anything.”
Fuck.
She tilted her head to the side and looked at me like I was the biggest inconvenience of her life. “Are you serious with me right now?”
“Yes.”
Again, she pursed those lips and then she turned around. She walked into the kitchen and I followed after her. I pressed a hand to my stomach, feeling lightheaded with overexertion. I hadn’t eaten all day. Pain shot up my lower back, and my growing belly was starting to feel like I’d swallowed a giant bowling ball. I waited by the entrance kitchen as she filled a glass of water under the tap. Then she walked to me and went to hand over the glass when she suddenly stopped. Her eyes were large, her mouth open in awe, and her gaze was firmly trained on my hand against my belly.
“Oh,” I said, remembering, “yeah, I never did abort, by the way. I mean, I was going to tell you about it, but you never picked up the goddamn phone, so…”
I took the glass from her hand and drained every last drop of the water as she carried on with her unabashed staring.
“How far along?” she practically mouthed out.
“Four months.”
“Oh, my Jesus. Where’ve you been staying at?”
“Heath.”
Her face twisted. “Heath Lawson?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it with you and those Lawson boys?”
She didn’t respond. She tucked away her emotions – something she’d always been good at – and simply nodded at me. That was pretty much the end of that.
“Alright,” I muttered, “I gotta get back. Thanks for opening the door and not ignoring me. I understand you can’t help, by the way. I just thought it was worth trying. Everyone’s tight around here, so…”
Still, no response.
“Okay. Good night, Mom.” I wish things were different. I wish we were close. I wish Dad’s death never fucked you up because you were pretty great before it happened.
Those thoughts always swirled around my mind, but I could never voice them. I turned away instead and marched out of there. The wind whipped through my hair on my way to the car. I gave Matt an apologetic look as I reached over and opened the door.
I was about to slip in when I suddenly heard, “Allie!”
I looked back at the house and saw Mom hastily making her way over to me. In the dark I couldn’t make out her face, but I saw her holding something in her hand. She approached me, turning her head for a beat at Matt before looking back at me. She grabbed my hand and shoved what I now knew was an envelope in my palm.
“Here,” she said with a shaken voice, “this is… all I have put aside. It’s three thousand dollars, or something close to it.”
My heart must have stopped beating because I couldn’t draw a breath in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” she then said, taking a step back. “I’m not… I’ve never been well since... It’s not your fault. It never was.”
She hurried away before I could say anything. I tightened my hold on the envelope while my eyes were trained on her frame as she escaped into the house and shut the door. Salty tears met my parted lips as I nodded once at the house in thanks and climbed into the car.
Fifteen
I watched her Saturday morning sitting on the edge of the bed with the cash in hand. She was counting it over and over again, looking a little pleased with herself. I’d woken up to a kiss on my lips and the good news.
Three extra thousand dollars.
But had I won last night, it could have been hell of a lot more.
“Nine thousand and two hundred dollars,” she said for the third time. “You can’t tell me they’ll be pissed about that.”
They would be pissed about that indefinitely.
I didn’t tell her that, though. I just offered her a smile, and she fell for it.
“How do you feel?” she then asked, staring about my ruined face with worry.
“I slept well,” I answered. That was the only thing I could say that sounded positive. Anything else would have been a lie.
I slowly sat up, fighting the pain that shot up from my ribs. I was fucked. I could hardly move an inch without feeling bone-breaking pain somewhere. It had me seeing stars around the corners of my vision. My mouth ached from constantly tensing my jaw and grinding my teeth.
Allie kept reaching her arms out, wanting to help me, but then pulling back as though she was uncertain about it. After my defeat – more like slaughter – I think she was trying not to make me feel like I was completely helpless. I appreciated it. At the moment I felt emasculated. What kind of guy was I if I couldn’t fucking provide? Maybe I should have fought more and been tighter with the budget.
Shoulda, coulda. Not gonna help your situation, remember?
“I’m going to take the money up there today,” I told her.