Loving Lawson

“I don’t want to,” she replied.

My heart – that little fist sized organ – exploded inside of me. I tightened my grip and stared up at the dark ceiling. Forever it took before my pulse slowly came down, yet every movement she made seemed to spike it again. My body wanted her. My heart ached for it too. But my brain… fuck, it was killing me with its logical bullshit. I listened to her breaths even out. I even looked down and watched her fall asleep in my arms like it was the most natural thing to ever happen.

This was happiness, I realized.

You’re the only one I trust.

Ryker’s words slayed me, and I started to think… maybe I wasn’t the best person to trust after all.

Nine

Allie

We sat in the waiting room, waiting for my first ultrasound. I grabbed a magazine and lazily flipped through the pages as pregnant women filled the room. There were a few men accompanying them, looking just as anxious and excited. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me. Would they think Heath was mine? I smiled at the absurdity of that.

We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, him and me. I started classes at college. I kept to myself, and I was surprised how easy that was. He drove me there every morning and I took a bus home after. I’d have something cooking by the time he got back from work. Afterwards, I studied in the living room and he usually sat next to me and watched television. There was surprisingly a lot of conversation to be had with Heath.

Since the night out at the bar, I’d never seen him so laid back and content. What he’d said about Trudy not mattering seemed to ring true, too. She was never brought up, and he never disappeared at nights either, making me think she was completely out of the picture.

I felt very grateful I had someone doing this with me right now. I would hate to have come here alone, facing my first ever pregnancy experience without a person I cared about to share it with, and I really started to value Heath more than anyone else. I’d had no one close before Ryker. I seemed to constantly drift through crowds, never finding a place in any of them. It didn’t upset me. My head was always about making this pregnancy work and keeping it a secret for as long as I could. It was a mission, especially when my bump was getting more and more visible every week.

I glanced at Heath. He was dressed in a plain white tee and jeans, his dark hair had grown a bit. For a short while, I’d leaned into him, taking in his scent, which was unique and musky. Anytime I was around him, I felt relaxed and in good hands. He made me feel protected, and like I could be myself.

Not having noticed my creepy close proximity, he was too busy watching the toddlers around a play area fighting over a couple of toy blocks. When one pushed the other down and stole them, he shook his head with a small smile on his face.

“What?” I asked him, amused by his attentiveness to them.

“I’ll be damned if I have a kid that doesn’t fight back,” he answered.

I laughed lightly, though the idea of him being a daddy made my chest tighten. He would be a great one.

“Well, any advice and I’ll be sure to pass it on to mine,” I told him, hiding my glum mood. There would be no daddy to teach my kid to fight back. It would be all on me, and that was a daunting thought.

He tore his eyes from the kids and looked at me, noticing how close I was to him. Brown eyes, gentle and calm, stared deeply into my own. I wished I knew what he was thinking then, because that smile slowly faded from his luscious lips. The second I felt heat in my cheeks, I turned away from his stare and back down at my magazine. While pretending to read, I was acutely aware of his every movement and it made my body tense being so near to him. How did it make any sense that I could be both comfortable and on edge around him?

“Allison Wallace.”

I nearly leaped to my feet when I heard my name. I set the magazine down on the shelf and went to the technician waiting by a hallway. Heath followed closely behind.

The young technician by the name of Ruby smiled warmly at me. “Hello, Miss Wallace, this way please.” She led us down the hallway and into the corner room and said, “Lay down and pull your shirt up over your bump.”

I lay on the bed prepared for me and lifted my shirt up. Heath took a seat beside me as Ruby set up the ultrasound machine.

“How are we doing this morning?” she asked, glancing between Heath and me. Her eyes lingered on him for a few moments, no doubt absorbed by his good looks.

“Good,” I muttered.

“And the father to be?”

My body tensed and I looked at Heath. When I spotted his back stiffen and his eyes widen, I immediately said, “No, no, he’s not the father.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” From the curve of her lips, sorry was the last thing she was.

Heath didn’t reply, but he looked stone faced now and wouldn’t meet my eye.

“Lean all the way back,” she told me as she slathered a jelly-like substance on the ultrasound probe. Once I did, she set it down over my stomach and an ice cold sensation shot through me.

“You’ve got a nice bump, little and pronounced,” she remarked as she moved the probe around. “Must be a genetic thing. Was your mother this small?”

I shrugged, not wanting to think of her. “I don’t know. She never talked about it.” She never talked about a lot of things, actually.

Black and white images sprang up on the monitor, and I stared at it for a while, not understanding what I was looking at. I concentrated hard until finally it settled and what I saw took my breath away.

“This is your wee one,” she said. “Nice and healthy by the looks of it.”

Peanut was in the shape of a baby. Big head, tiny body, and he was moving rapidly with his arms flailing.

Oh, my God.

I looked excitedly at Heath who was leaning forward, just as absorbed by the images as me.

“This is happening in my belly right now?” I asked in shock.

Ruby chuckled and gave me a nod. “Sure is.”

“I can’t feel any of it.”

“You possibly won’t for another six weeks. Twelve weeks is a little early to be feeling anything, especially with your first.”

I watched, dazed by the movements, as my baby began touching his face.

“Do you know the sex?” Heath asked.

“Not yet. Her next ultrasound at eighteen weeks may tell you that,” Ruby answered.

I’d already known that, but it was nice hearing Heath interested enough to ask. She began taking measurements and showing me different body parts, of my peanut’s hands, head and feet. It was beyond anything I could have imagined. My spirits soared, and I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. I was going to be a mother. Me, Allie Wallace. Wow.