Let Me Be the One
Page 19Chapter Nineteen
Vicki woke up curled into Ryan's arms, the room dark, the covers up over them. His heart beat strong and steady beneath her open palm on his chest. Even in sleep, she'd needed to keep her hands on him, to make sure she didn't lose that most elemental of connections.
Panic threatened to crash through the warmth, the remembered pleasures that still throbbed between her legs, at the tips of her breasts, on her tingling lips. Dawn would break soon and then they would have to face reality, cold and hard and awkward.
All she wanted was to luxuriate in her fantasy-made-real for a few more seconds. Vicki knew it wasn't forever, that their lovemaking had been some crazy blip on the radar screen, but letting herself be held by the man she'd loved forever, breathing him in for just a few more seconds, was something she simply had to do.
Ryan shifted, a low sound rumbling up from his chest as he pulled her closer so that her cheek rested on his chest and her hands slid around his waist.
Vicki's heart fluttered with the pleasure of the sweetest moment she'd experienced yet. Making love with Ryan had been extraordinary, but she felt this closeness way down deep in the farthest reaches of her heart.
A few more minutes. That was all she wanted with Ryan before she slipped from his arms and went back to her own bedroom. But right now it was good, so damned good just to be close to him.
Vicki closed her eyes and fell asleep again to the beautiful beat of Ryan's heart.
* * *
The next time she woke, she was alone in Ryan's bed and could smell bacon frying. Her stomach grumbled even as she realized that this morning wasn't like the others they'd shared.
Instead of walking out of her own bedroom fully clothed, she was going to be making the walk of shame out of his.
Hating the way her heart was pounding so hard - It's just Ryan, she reminded herself in a firm inner voice - she slid na**d from his bed and saw that he'd laid a robe out for her. She loved the way it smelled like him as she slipped her arms into it. The sleeves were so long she had to roll them up several times, then wrap the robe nearly twice around herself before closing it. She was certain she must look ridiculous, but just then she couldn't bring herself to care.
Not when it was almost as good as being wrapped in Ryan's arms.
Besides, the only way to deal with this situation was head-on, she told herself as she opened the bedroom door and headed down the hall. And yet, she still couldn't quite bring herself to walk into the kitchen. She needed a few more seconds to try to clear her head of the delicious memories of the way he'd touched and kissed and loved her the night before.
From where she was standing at the top of the stairs, she was able to watch him moving around in the kitchen below. Since he'd left his robe for her, all he had on was a pair of navy-blue cotton boxers.
She. Would. Not. Drool.
Okay, so she would. She was only human.
Really, she told herself, it was no different than those shirtless pictures of him working out she'd seen in the press. She'd gotten used to looking at those without having heart palpitations. She could survive this, too.
And clearly, since Ryan was already up making breakfast rather than trying to convince her to go for another round of crazy monkey sex in the morning, he was on board with the get-right-back-to-normal plan.
Ryan looked up and saw her then, his beautiful mouth moving into a huge smile. "Good morning, gorgeous."
Had he put extra emphasis on the word good, or was her mind playing games with her? Lord knew, she'd never say or hear that word quite the same ever again, after last night.
"I made your favorite."
Her heart skipped a beat and she almost missed a step, needing to grip the rail extra hard to steady herself as she realized all over again just how wonderful Ryan was.
If she'd ruined their friendship by sleeping with him she'd never, ever forgive herself.
Whatever she had to do to fix this, she'd do.
Even if it meant giving up the stunning pleasure of any and all future nights in his arms.
"Thank you," she said as she took her plate from the counter and sat at the breakfast table by the window.
"It was my pleasure."
How many times when they were kids, and then this week, had she watched women throw themselves at Ryan?
He was always kind, even when he was taking advantage of his allure - and especially when he wasn't - but Vicki knew she'd never be able to look herself in the eye if she became one of those women.
Worse, she couldn't stand the idea of Ryan worrying about how to let her down easy.
She waited until he slid into the seat beside hers before planting a smile on her face and saying, "Last night sure was weird, wasn't it?"
* * *
Ryan felt everything go still.
Especially his heart.
When he'd looked up to see Vicki standing at the top of the stairs in his robe, swallowed up by the thick blue fabric, he'd been so full of love he'd almost called it out to her right then. But he'd thought there'd be time for that soon, that he could at least let her eat breakfast first before he took her back to bed and opened his heart up to her completely.
"Weird?"
Vicki nodded before taking a large gulp from the coffee cup he'd placed in front of her, then swore. "Ow, that's hot!"
He automatically got up to fill a glass of cold water for her, but his limbs felt strange. Robotic. As if he was only just learning to use them. He handed her the glass and she thanked him as she took it. He watched the lines of her throat as she closed her eyes and swallowed.
He swallowed hard, too, as he sat back down at the table. He'd been starving when he woke up - great sex always revved up his metabolism - but now it felt like a heavy weight had descended into his hollow gut, pushing out any room for food.
Vicki put the empty glass down. "You're always my knight in shining armor."
She smiled at him, but he'd learned to recognize that smile over the past few days. While it looked real to the na**d eye, it was far from it. He didn't know what the hell was going on here, but he was damn well going to find out.
"What's wrong, Vicki?"
She shook her head. "Nothing." Again came the smile that wasn't really a smile. "I just want you to know that I know last night didn't mean anything."
Again, his heart stopped beating. Right there, with one final thud beneath his breastbone, any doctor worth his salt would have declared Ryan dead.
The night they'd shared had meant everything.
He'd begged her to let him love her. And he'd thought she understood that being together was about so much more than just their bodies coming together and finding pleasure.
How the hell had he been so wrong?
In his stunned silence, she continued, "I mean, the sex was super good and everything - " She flushed at the word good. " - but we both know it was just one of those things that happens when an available man and woman are around each other a lot, you know?" She didn't wait for him to agree or disagree before adding, "And with trying to convince everyone all the time that we're really together, it was inevitable that we'd forget for a little while it was just pretend, and have sex." She reached for the coffee again. "Just to take the edge off, and all."
She put the mug to her lips again, but this time she was careful not to burn herself.
Ryan didn't know what the hell he was supposed to say. He couldn't imagine not touching her na**d skin again, not being able to kiss the pulse that throbbed so fast just below her chin, not feeling her buck and cry out beneath him as he filled her.
Everything he'd thought he'd gained in those sweet, dark, perfect hours with Vicki in his arms had just been yanked from him so swiftly and abruptly that he could almost taste the loss of her on his tongue.
But even as he felt that loss, he knew there was only one thing that could be worse than losing the lover who had made him forget any other.
Losing his best friend would be the worst of all.
Which meant that if Vicki thought she'd made a mistake by sleeping with him - and if he didn't want to lose her as a friend, too - he had to agree.It was the anguish in her eyes that got him to force the words, "Of course we are," up through his throat and past his lips.
She paled at his totally unconvincing reply and when she said "Ryan?" in an even shakier voice he didn't think before reaching for her.
Even as he pulled her onto his lap and buried his face in her hair to breathe her in, he knew he needed to be a hell of lot more convincing, instead of sounding like a lovesick fool who had just been dumped by the girl of his dreams.
Reminding himself that he'd already fulfilled so many more fantasies with her than he'd ever dreamed he would - and that he was going to have to be satisfied with that - he stroked her hair and pulled her closer to his chest.
Working like hell to ignore the way her curves fit against him so perfectly, and the fact that the robe was gaping open over her na**d br**sts while one beautiful thigh was bared at the front opening of the fabric, he said, "We've always been friends, Vicki, and we always will be."
He felt her nod against his chest as he stroked her back and shoulders. He knew he shouldn't keep giving in to the need to touch her like this, but if this was going to be the last time, then how could he help himself?
With his other hand, he tipped up her head so that they had to look at each other and get past this. And make sure their friendship was safe.
"We had sex and it was great, but we're both adults."
She nodded again, but she still looked too serious. Too worried. It was going to kill him to do this, but for Vicki he'd bury what was in his heart and play it easy for her. Simply because she needed him to do it to make her feel better.
"Just one thing I was hoping you'd promise me. As you probably know, rumor has it I'm pretty impressive." He raised his eyebrows at her and lowered his voice, "Don't tell anyone the truth, okay?"
"The truth?" Her laughter was the sweetest sound she'd ever heard. She shook her head before saying, "Trust me, the truth would make it hard for you to get out of your front door unaccosted ever again."
A moment later she was sliding from his lap and back onto her seat. She picked up a piece of bacon and popped it into her mouth. "What's it like being so good at everything? Cooking. Baseball." She shot him a wicked glance that had his blood pressure spiking. "Sex." She finished the bacon with a lusty sigh of appreciation that was way too close to the sounds she'd made in his bed for him to keep from sweating as he sat next to her. "Truly, it must be exhausting."
"I'm bad at some things."
She raised an eyebrow. "Name one thing."
Making you fall in love with me the way I've always been in love with you. You only ever saw the jock while you let those artist assholes chase you. And hurt you.
"Making a clay pot."
She laughed, but shook her head. "You'd get there with practice."
"Okay, then, I'm a shitty outfielder."
She pointed her fork at him. "Bull. Remember that game in high school when they played you in center field? Hate to break it to you, but you were great."
The word great from her lips instantly brought back the night they'd just spent together, and as their eyes met and held he was this close to chucking it all in and pulling her back onto his lap so that he could kiss her and touch her and love her again.
Only, just as he was about to draw her back into his arms, Vicki gave the barest shake of her head, so small that he wasn't sure she even knew she'd done it.
But he heard what she wasn't saying out loud as if she'd screamed it at him.
No.
* * *
"So, how'd it go last night?"
Vicki nearly jumped out of her skin at Anne's question as she finished putting the little sculptures she'd just made for Summer's birthday party into the kiln in her studio.
She'd hit a snag on her still-unnamed fellowship project and had put it away for a few hours to try to sketch herself out of the hole she was in. But when the sketching didn't work either, she realized she had to face facts.
She could have gone to a toy store to buy Summer a standard gift, but she knew it would make her feel better to get her hands in clay and make one. Evidently the little girl had just gotten a new poodle puppy from Zach's girlfriend, Heather, and was head-over-heels for it.
After she'd made a really fun poodle out of the clay, she decided to make a pretty Oak tree for Mary Sullivan, and then when she was done with that, she'd tackled a well-read hardback book in clay for Sophie to put in the library. Vicki had been working with such serious intent for such a long stretch on her fellowship project that she'd been almost giddy from the pleasure of making the cute and funny sculptures.
She barely noticed the sun falling lower in the sky as she moved from one little project to another. What fun it was to have a big family to make things for. She wouldn't have time to make a wine bottle for Marcus or a pair of ballet shoes for Lori, though. Next time.
Her hands had stilled on the book spine she'd been pressing into the clay with her fingertips.
Next time.
What on earth made her think there was going to be a next time?
Pretty soon, she'd be moving out of Ryan's house. She hoped she and Ryan would be able to find time to get together to catch up on life on a regular basis, of course, but once she was no longer living at his house, the two of them would be going their separate ways.
Anne's question had startled her out of her somewhat depressing musings and brought her right back around to the previous night.
And all the amazing sex she'd had with Ryan.
"Everyone liked the dress. Of course you knew they would. It's an awesome dress."
Anne's smile was wicked...and pleased. "Awesome, huh?" She raised her eyebrows. "Dare I hope my awesome dress ended up in shreds in your gorgeous man's bedroom?"
Vicki automatically started to shake her head, but quickly realized there was no point in trying to pretend it hadn't been the most glorious night of her life. Especially with the engagement ring Ryan had given her hanging between her br**sts on the gold chain.
It had been a long time since she'd had another woman to confide in. Justifying it by telling herself that Anne's knowing only gave more credence to the false engagement, Vicki pulled the ring out from under her tank top. "He gave me this."
Anne's eyes went wide as she grabbed it, inadvertently pulling Vicki forward while she inspected the ring. "He has great taste. Are you free tonight for a bottle or two of champagne? And could he bring a few of his gorgeous baseball playing friends?"
"I'd really love to," Vicki said, "but I've promised Ryan I'll go to a family birthday party with him tonight."
Anne clapped her hands together. "Even better - you can wear another one of my dresses. Who needs this fellowship when I have you to wear all my clothes?"
She had pulled Vicki halfway down the hall by the time Vicki could get out the words, "I don't know if that's such a good idea."
Anne put her hands on her hips. "Why? You were stunning last night. And clearly, the dress made an impression on your man."
But that was just the problem. Ryan had loved the dress...and he'd loved stripping it off her even more. Vicki's body started heating up all over just thinking about it.
If she wore another one of Anne's brilliantly sexy designs, he might think she was trying to say that she wanted a repeat of last night. Which, of course, she did, because how could anyone not want that?
But, God, this morning had been awkward enough.
Last night had been an accident. A sexual slip-up. Two bodies in motion colliding without pre-meditated intent.
She couldn't imagine how awkward it would be if he thought she was actually trying to seduce him this time. Instead of letting her down easy, he'd be forced to take much more drastic - and obvious - steps.
But since she couldn't say any of that to her out-of-the-big-lie-loop friend, Vicki grabbed onto the only excuse she could think of. "The party is for an eight-year-old. I'm sure everyone will be wearing jeans."
"Or pretty little sundresses," Anne shot back. "A couple of days ago I didn't know why I was so compelled to make this dress, since I can't use it for the fellowship. Now I know. It's my engagement gift to you."
With that, Vicki knew she had no choice. She let Anne drag her into her own studio and hand her a pretty summer dress made of dozens of light and colorful layers.
And, despite knowing better, she couldn't help wanting to knock Ryan's socks off one more time.