Ignite

I shook my head. “No, I don’t deserve you.”

He exhaled in frustration. “See, that’s the problem. You believe in your own bullshit. You believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you reject it, and then it costs you happiness. It’s wrong.”             

“But I don’t know if…” If what? I wanted him? I paused then and closed my mouth shut.

“You don’t know what? Just say it.”

I couldn’t say it because even I was confused with myself.

“Look, I can see you need some time to yourself. Maybe you should stick around for a couple more days and get your head sorted out. Lucinda’s a lovely woman, and you’re here in your hometown. Maybe you should visit your mother’s grave and then figure out this shit with… him.” He wouldn’t say Jaxon’s name, but his nostrils flared as he thought of him.

I nodded in agreement, knowing that was the right route to take for now. He stood up and made his way over to me. Then he plopped down and brought me into his chest, stroking my hair as I rested my cheek against him. This was the exact position I’d been in with Jaxon, I realized. Only… it was all wrong somehow. Daniel gave me comfort, but the desire wasn’t there.

The rest of the day went by quietly. I was ninety percent done by the time it started to darken outside. The only things I hadn’t touched were those boxes.

“Are you going to open them?” Daniel asked.

“Not yet. I’ll… do it tomorrow.” I kept knocking this stupid chore for “tomorrow.” I couldn’t admit that I was terrified of how personal it was going to be sorting through them. I just knew that they would be if she’d placed them so securely in boxes in this room. It had to be something important, and I wasn’t up for that yet.

“Did you want me to drop you back off at Lucinda’s house?” Daniel said as we walked back to the car.

I looked at him in confusion. “Aren’t you staying the night?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” There was apprehension in his demeanour as the thought crossed his mind.

“Where are you going to go, then? We can find a room–”

“I think I’ll drive back home. I sort of cancelled a whole bunch of appointments today, and to do that again tomorrow would be unwise.”

I didn’t reply as I got into the car. Despite everything, he was still affectionate on our way back. He stroked my hand and held it in his as he drove.

When we got to the house, he stopped at the driveway and brought my hand to his lips for a soft kiss. “I meant it when I said I still want you,” he whispered. “I’ll be waiting for you at home, okay?”

I nodded. “I’m sorry for everything, Daniel.”

“Get the answers you need and come back to me. We’ll sort it out.”

“I will.”

“Promise me you’ll come back.”            

I looked at him in the dark. He was anxiously staring at me with parted lips. I stroked his cheek, trying to keep the hesitation at bay. “I promise.”

He watched me climb out and make my way to the front door. I looked over at him once and waved, and then he waved back and backed out of the driveway.

When he was gone, I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. I opened my purse and pulled out the house key. I went to put it in when a hand touched my arm.

“Hey.” I nearly jumped out of my skin, screaming before recognizing the voice. I looked up at Jaxon who’d come out of… just where, exactly?

“What the hell!” I yelled furiously.

“Didn’t mean to scare you.” There was a faint smile on his lips.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I was walking.”

I lifted a brow sceptically at him. “Of course you were.”

I unlocked the door and stepped into the house. I could vaguely smell this morning’s bacon in the air as I made my way across the foyer and to the stairs, ignoring the figure walking behind me. He was following me. I stopped midway up the staircase and turned around.

“Do you need anything?” I asked, looking down at him.

“Nope,” he answered casually.

I sighed and continued up the stairs to my bedroom. He followed, of course.

“Does your mom usually work so late?” It was quarter to eight and she wasn’t home.

“She teaches a sewing class Thursday nights,” he said, entering after me and shutting the door. I tried not to pretend I wasn’t nervous as hell being alone in the same room as him. After all, we did sleep in the same room last night.

I set my purse on the dresser and grabbed my bum clothes from my suit case. I changed in the bathroom, making sure the door was locked and took my time while I wondered what he wanted.

When I walked out, he was seated on the edge of the bed. He was in the same clothes from this morning, and under the direct bedroom light I noticed stubble growing in. Absentmindedly I thought he’d look damn good with a beard.

“You should be in better clothes for bed than that,” he remarked, eyeing my oversized sweater and baggy pants.

I shrugged. “They’re comfortable.”

“You used to sleep in hardly anything at all.”

“That’s because I had you pressed up against me to keep me warm all night.” I closed my eyes and winced at my words. Did I just say that? When I opened them again, he looked irritated.              

“What is it, Jaxon?”

“Did you tell him?” I didn’t have to wonder what he was referring to.

I nodded. “Yeah, I told him.”

With a look that was bordering hopeful, he asked, “And because he isn’t here, does that mean he left you?”

Now it was my turn to be irritated. “Is that what you’d like to happen?”

“Fuck yes,” he said adamantly.

“You wanted him to break up with me?”

“Absolutely.”

“Did you sleep with me on purpose then? To break us up?”

“No, that just happened.”

“Do you regret doing it?”

He looked at me bewilderedly. “No, I don’t. I’m assuming because you’re asking then you must regret it. Is it because he left you?”