Hard to Love You

After graduation I went out on a few dates, trying everything in my power to forget about Mason. I started drinking, getting careless and a little reckless. That’s how I chose to deal with getting over Mason. I had a few one-night stands, doing the walk of shame the next morning, but no matter what happened, my heart refused to give anyone a chance. Mason was my one that got away.

I am all alone. I am scared shitless about the future. After composing myself, I call Jaylinn and tell her I am on my way back and we will talk when I get there. I go back into Mason’s room and pick up one of the pictures of us to take with me. I lock up the doors and go back to MacKenzie’s house.

I explain everything to Jaylinn and Cooper. I apologize for sticking Jaylinn with Ryder all day and I apologize to Cooper for laying all my problems about Mason out on him. Both say there is nothing to be sorry for and they are the ones that are actually sorry if what Lily said is true. They both leave and promise to call me tomorrow. I really wish MacKenzie was here, I need my best friend.

I pick up Ryder from his highchair, and sit and watch cartoons for the rest of the night until he falls asleep in my arms. I am on autopilot mode, just coasting to get by.

Did I just make a huge mistake?

Did I just lose the one, my mirror, for good?

As time passes a sinking feeling settles over me that I had seriously over reacted.

20

I’m lying on the cool bathroom floor. I’ve finally stopped throwing up. I swear to God I’m never drinking again. What the hell did I drink last night? I’ve gotten wasted more times than I can count but nothing like that. There is a tap on the door, and it rings loudly in my ears.

The door opens; Cooper steps in and throws a towel over my na**d body. He shuts the toilet lid and takes a seat. “You want to explain what she’s doing here?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, “Quit talking so loud, ass**le.”

“I don’t think I’m the ass**le here this time.” Cooper deadpans.

I force myself to sit up. My stomach rolls with the movement but I’m able to keep the bile down. “I have no idea what the f**k happened, Coop.” I adjust the towel to make sure I’m covered. “I remember coming home and fighting with Hailey. I stormed out and went to the bar with Pat, and some of the guys. We were drinking and bullshitting about the game on Wednesday. Things get hazy and I don’t remember anything after that.”

“How did you get home?” Cooper questions me.

“I told you dude, I don’t remember anything after sitting around with the guys.” My whole body is aching right now. I feel a massive headache coming on. “Shit! What time is it? Did I miss practice?”

“Not yet. I came up here to wake you up and found you with her.” Cooper stands up and holds a hand out to help me up. “Take the trash out and then we need to talk.” I grab Cooper’s hand and he helps me up. I throw on a pair of sweats that are lying on the floor and go find out what the hell happened last night and to put the trash on the curb.

I push open my bedroom door and Lily is sitting up in my bed, wearing the shirt that I had on last night. I park myself on the end of the bed because I’m not sure how much longer my legs can hold me up.

“What the hell happened last night? I want the truth, Lily. You do know what that is, right?” I can’t even stomach looking at her. I can’t stand myself right now. I just did the worst thing possible to Hailey. Everything she accused me of doing, I just did it.

“I came over and asked you to dance with me so I could talk to you about what happened earlier. I didn’t want to talk in front of your friends. I didn’t know you were wasted until you tried to get up. Actually you were ossified. We didn’t get much talking done. You pulled me back to your place at the bar. We were all sitting around talking and then one thing kind of lead to another and here I am.”

“What the hell happened with Hailey? Why did you tell her we’ve been sleeping together?” I say through gritted teeth.

She laughs. “She actually believed us? We were just messing with her. I really didn’t think she’d believe us. Oh my God is she that dumb?” I snap my head in her direction and glare at her. “Well, that explains why you were so drunk and this happened.”

I shake my head. “Are you f**king kidding me, Lily? Do you know what the hell you did? What you caused?” A part of my future is gone; a part of me. I royally f**ked up. There is an ache in my heart and I have no one to blame but myself.

Lily pushes the blankets off and comes to kneel behind me, resting her hands on my shoulder. I jump up from the bed.

Lily holds her hands in surrender. “Jeez, relax Mason. I’ll talk to her and just tell her we were messing around. No big freaking deal.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard it’s only a matter of time before they break. “No big deal? I lost her Lily, all because of you. You pushed her too far.” I yell.

She flinches. I run my fingers in my hair, pulling on it hard. It does nothing for my headache but I have to do something with them or I am going to beat the shit out of Lily. I would never do it but she is damn close to pushing it.

I don’t want to ask this but I needed to know. “Did we,” I cleared my throat a few times. The bile was threatening to come up again. “Did we f**k last night?”

Lily doesn’t answer.

I look down at her. Her head hangs and her hands are folded in her lap. “Lily?”

She looks up to me with an emotionless face and nods.

This can’t be happening. It’s not true. I refuse to believe it. “You’re f**king lying, Lily. I blacked out. There is no way.” I shake my head back and forth. I drop to my knees; my legs refuse to hold me up. I’m shaking, muscles taut; I break out into a cold sweat. All the air in my lungs is sucked out.

My door creaks, “It’s time to go Lily.” Cooper says.

I sit up, begging for the air to come back into my lungs. I’ve had anxiety attacks in the past and that exactly what’s happening now. I can’t see or hear anything around me. All I hear is the blood swooshing in my ears.

“Breathe, Mason.” Cooper says to me. “In through your nose, out of your mouth.”

I do as I’m told. I look up to my brother and say, “You heard her?”

Cooper nods.

“She’s lying right? She has to be, Coop.”

Cooper leans against the door frame, arms crossed. “I don’t know bro, I just don’t know.”