Hard to Love You

Whew. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. Mason and I talked about it last night and I’m actually happy things worked out the way they did.” I was worried that MacKenzie found out about Mason and me before I had a chance to tell her.

“Oh good.” She kind of looked a little upset but now wasn’t the time or place to tell her what really happened last night.

“I’ll run up and change into my bikini and meet you down here in a second.” I ran back up the steps before she could even answer me.

I changed into my white bikini with black stargazers on it, grabbed a towel and my sunglasses and then ran back downstairs. MacKenzie, all our friends and I grabbed a bunch of snacks, drinks and towels, locked the door and went down to the beach.

Once we passed the sand dunes, the guys came into sight and it felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out. Mason, Cooper and Hunter were down there with a bunch of girls hanging on and all around them. This was the norm for them but seeing it now, after ha**ng s*x with Mason, stung.

I pushed forward and tried to act like things didn’t bother me but I was pissed. I sat on the opposite side of our group, the furthest I could get from Mason. When my friends went into the water with the boys I stayed back. I was acting childish but Mason hadn’t acknowledged me at all and that f**king hurt. Finally, a few hours later and still nothing from Mason, I’d had enough. I claimed I had a headache and went back to the house alone. I took a quick shower and climbed into my bed in MacKenzie’s room. Later that evening MacKenzie woke me up and said everyone was going to dinner. I kind of felt bad for ditching earlier so I decided I would go with my friends and try to get out of this funk.

When we arrived at the restaurant I thought it was only going to be us girls but I was wrong and should have known better. The boys barely ever let MacKenzie or me out of their sight. Mason, Cooper and Hunter were already there with their posse of girls from earlier. I was stuck, with no way of getting out of here now. Dinner was painful. Mason ignored me and I was starting to regret last night. If I had known things would have changed like this for us I never would have had sex with him.

After dinner we all decided to go for a walk on the boardwalk. I talked myself into sticking it out with my friends. Surprisingly the night was turning out to be a blast. We were playing games, running into other kids from our school, taking turns on rides and eating ice cream. I forgot all about Mason until I walked around the side of the water gun game and saw him kissing the girl that had been hanging off him all day. I froze; I couldn’t get my legs to move. When the kiss ended Mason looked over at me for the first time all day, eyes wide. He’d been caught. A tear slid down my cheek, I was pissed and hurt. I turned and ran the entire way home. I didn’t stop until I was behind the closed door of the bedroom. My phone had been blowing up with calls and texts the whole way. I ignored them all. As I slipped out of my sandals I quickly tapped out a text to MacKenzie, letting her know that I wasn’t feeling well again and I was home in bed. I powered the phone off and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up extremely early the next morning. The sun wasn’t even up yet. When I sat up there was a single rose sitting on my bed with a note from Mason asking me to meet him down on the beach. I knew it was a bad idea, I should’ve just ignored him but I couldn’t leave things unresolved between us. We were entwined in each other’s lives.

I threw on a light pink halter and tan shorts. I had done my hair with a side braid, slipped on a pair of pink flip flops and went down to find Mason. He was sitting out there all alone, watching the sun rise. I should have taken a picture of him sitting like that. I cherished our times when it was just the two of us, or when Mason didn’t think anyone was watching. That was the Mason I wanted, not the one that showed up yesterday.

I took a seat next to him and waited for him to talk.

“I know I was an ass**le to you yesterday. I’m sorry. It wasn’t right.” Mason finally said while looking over at me for the first time.

I fiddled with my fingers in my lap. “Do you regret it?” The question had been burning for me to ask it. I needed to know.

“No. Not at all.”

I believed him; Mason had no reason to lie. But I felt like there was more he had to say. “But,”

Mason sighed loudly. “But it can’t turn into anything Hailey.” Mason shook his head. “And I feel like a dick.”

I begged the tears not to come. Could I handle losing him? Did I ever really have him? No, I didn’t, but I could handle it and this would just make me stronger. I needed to be brave, needed to prove to Mason that I didn’t always need him.

I held my head high. “I wasn’t expecting it to Mase, but I wasn’t expecting the cold shoulder either. You kissing that girl yesterday was f**ked up, especially after our night. It was like a slap in my face.” I laughed nervously trying to stay brave. “Thank god it was only my v-card.” I shrugged. “No big deal.” I lied. It was really a huge f**king deal to me.

Mason looked over at me like I’d lost my goddamn mind and I probably had. “It is a big deal, Hailey. My life is crazy right now. I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I have games until the end of month, I get the first two weeks in June to myself, then the summer league in Cape Cod starts and right after that college ball starts.” He dug his heels into the sand a little more. “I wish things were different but the timing just isn’t right. You and MacKenzie are going to be starting college in the fall. You don’t want to be tied down right now.”

I cut him off before he could list all the reasons why he thought we should or shouldn’t be together. “Mason I get it. Baseball has always come first. I knew this years ago. You’re chasing your dream. I get it.”

Mason closed his eyes and dropped his head forward. He sat like that for a few minutes. “Kissing that girl yesterday was wrong and I’m sorry you saw it. That was the worst thing I’ve ever done to you and here you are being all understanding and shit. I thought you would be tearing me a new ass**le. Hailey you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than me.”

I rolled my eyes. “I probably do but no one will ever compare to you, Mase.”

Mason put his arm around my shoulders, and we sat like it until the sun came up. A new day closed a chapter for Mason and me, at least for a little while. He chose baseball over me. I wasn’t angry with him but it would have been nice if things could have worked out a little differently for us.