From Ashes

“Shit.” I ran back to my nightstand, grabbed my phone, and called him, but it went straight to voice mail. Hoping it was a fluke, I waited a few minutes and tried again with the same result. I left a message begging him to call me and come back.

Two hours passed without a word from him, and I finally called Jackie, flipping out. “I’ll be right over!” she promised.

“Jackie—I need to go find him!”

“Um, no! No, you do not! I’ll be right over and we’re going to talk about this.”

We said our good-byes and I dressed for the freezing weather in case she decided to help me go looking for him. She showed up with two coffees and muffins, told me I better get comfy again because we weren’t going after him, and plopped down at the dining room table.

“Okay, spill.”

“What? I already told you everything.”

“Not really, you told me you called him Gage and he got pissed and took off. How did this even start though, is Gage back?” Obviously Tyler had known about my feelings for Gage, but Jackie was the only one who knew the extent of them.

I got up and walked to the breakfast bar, grabbed the paper, and gave it to Jackie as I went to sit back down. “He must be. I found this note from Ty saying he was going out to breakfast with him. He must have written it before coming to say good-bye to me . . . and, well, I’d been having a dream about Gage—”

“Dream? What kind of dream?”

I raised my eyebrows and just continued to stare at her.

“That kind, huh?”

“Well, we weren’t actually doing anything yet, but I kind of moaned his name and all of a sudden it’s Tyler’s voice and he was asking me what I’d just called him. I tried not to freak out, but the way Ty was looking at me, I knew I had actually said Gage’s name out loud.”

“What was Tyler doing? Had he been doing what Gage was in your dream?”

Thank God she got it. “No, but I was worried he had been! I’m guessing he just came to kiss me and I responded because of the dream, and . . . shit, Jackie, I didn’t even tell you about last night!” I quickly told her everything about last night and waited for her to respond.

“And nothing happened between you and Ty while you were alone these last three weeks?”

“No, nothing beyond kissing. I mean there were a few times when the kisses started getting to be too much while we were on one of our beds, but I always stopped it before it went farther than that. And his parents came for a week and a half, so thank God that always kept it pretty clean. But last night was definitely the farthest he’s ever tried to push it.”

“Has he been trying a lot?”

I nodded and rolled my eyes. “And he’s always getting mad about it too. Like actually yelling at me because I won’t sleep with him; last night wasn’t the first time it ended badly.”

“Whoa.” Jackie put both hands up, palms facing me, before letting them slap down on the table. “What?! He doesn’t hurt you, does he, Cassi?”

“No! Tyler would never touch me that way.” I didn’t know how to assure Jackie of that since she knew nothing about my life before Texas, but I knew Tyler would never hit me. “No, he just gets mad is all.”

She was still looking at me, a little unsure. “If he ever hurts you, you let me know. I’ll kick his ass.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“I have my secrets.”

“Uh-huh. I’m sure you do.” Actually, I didn’t doubt it. She was one fierce little Asian. Ethan called her his little firecracker, and it fit her perfectly. She was tiny but came with more energy than anyone I knew and threw it into her emotions; whether it was happiness or anger, love or depression, she exuded it. And Jackie angry was pretty terrifying, if I say so myself.

“I’m serious. If he ever touches you, tell me.”

“Jackie, I swear to you. He wouldn’t. But he yells, saying that he’s waited long enough, and wants to know if it’s still because of Gage. He didn’t ask that last night, but with last night and then this morning, I know I’ve hurt him, Jackie. Maybe I should just do what he wants.”

“Cass, no, this is a big deal. Don’t just sleep with Tyler because it’s what he wants and he acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way. No one should ever push you into something like that, Cassi, and it’s not like you’re teasing him with it. We’ve all seen you two together, and I know you’re honest with him about not being ready. You’re really subdued when it comes to any type of affection with him; he’s the one always pressing the issue, even in public. Besides, he knows about your feelings for Gage, you didn’t ever try to hide that from him. Maybe y’all should take a break.”

“I know, I’ve thought about that too, I just—I’m afraid of losing Tyler in my life. He’s my best friend; I don’t know how I’d be able to deal without him there.”

“With how close y’all were before you moved here, I can’t see you losing that kind of friendship if this didn’t work out.”

I decided against telling her that Tyler had said it was all or nothing between us. I worried my bottom lip and glanced down at my phone, only to confirm what I already knew: he still hadn’t called or returned any of my texts.

Jackie left five hours later and I tried to occupy my mind with reality TV to pass the time. I hated having Tyler mad at me, and it was making me sick that I still hadn’t heard from him. I could have called Gage to find out if Tyler was still with him, but I didn’t know if Tyler would have told him what happened, and if he hadn’t, I didn’t want to be the one to do it.