Flutter

“So… who kissed whom?” Jack repeated, and when I still didn’t answer, he got louder. “Alice?”

“I think… I-I might’ve,” I mumbled and swallowed hard.

I could’ve lied but I knew he’d see it on me, and that would just make things worse. I rested my hand on my forehead and leaned on my knees. He had to take a few moments to process what I’d told him, and his hurt was even rawer now.

“Are you in love with him?” His voice was so low I could barely hear it.

“God, no!” I shouted fiercely and looked at him. “No! I love you, Jack! And that’s all!” A wayward tear slid down my cheek. I wanted to crawl over to him and kiss him, but I knew he’d push me away.

“So why would you kiss him? After everything we’ve been through!” He was almost pleading with me now, and it made me cry.

“I don’t know! Honestly, Jack! I wish I did!” I wiped at my cheeks. “I was really thirsty, and I was trying to hold off on eating so I could get more self-control. And I just went into his room to talk, to distract myself, and … I don’t know. We were talking, and I just… I just kissed him. It was only for a second, and then I stopped it and I said that I couldn’t do it.

“And I am so sorry, Jack! I am so sorry! If I could take it back I would! I never wanted to do anything to hurt you!”

“I’ve just been thinking about it over and over in my head.” He rubbed his temples and looked at the ground. His eyes were moist, but he wasn’t crying. “I kept thinking, if you kissed him, could I forgive you? And if you slept with him, could I forgive you?”

“I never slept with him!” I insisted and sat up on my knees.

“No, I’m just telling you what I was thinking.” He shook his head. “And you know what I realized? I’d forgive you of anything!” What he was saying sounded good, but he didn’t feel good. He was completely agonized, and I had done this to him.

“I’m not giving you permission, but you could do anything, and I would just forgive you. I couldn’t not.” Jack stared off at nothing, thinking. “I don’t know if you know what that’s like. Even if what you do kills me, I would…” With bated breath, I watched him.

“You could kill me, Alice,” he looked at me seriously. “That’s how much you mean to me. As foolish and masochistic as that makes me, you are so much to me that even if it destroys me to be with you, I’ll be with you!

“And I don’t care why you kissed him or what you did. I don’t even really wanna know. But I am begging you to please never do anything like this again. Because I love you so much, and I am trusting you with far too much, but I don’t know how to be any different! You just… you can’t do this to me anymore, okay? Please?”

“I promise! I’ll never do anything!” I got up off the bed and ran over to him, unable to contain myself anymore. Putting my hands on his cheeks, I looked into his wounded blue eyes. “I am so sorry. I never wanted this, and I’ll never, ever do it again. I promise you. I love you so much, Jack.”

“You better,” he whispered.

Finally, he kissed me. I had thought that I had truly lost him, and there was this panicked insistence to the kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him to me. His mouth was warm and wonderful, and I knew nothing in the world tasted better than he did.

My thirst peaked at that, and my heart pounded hungrily in my chest, but I denied it. I just wanted to be with him, physical and present, in the moment.

“Run away with me.” He rested his forehead against mine and knotted his fingers in the thickness of my hair.

“What?” I asked, thinking I’d misheard him.

“Run away with me,” he repeated and moved back a little so he could look me in the eyes. “I don’t wanna stay here anymore. Everyone lied to me. Peter is still going after you, and Mae tried to kill me. There’s no reason for me to stay. Let’s run away together.”

“What about Milo?” My mind scrambled. There was something exciting about the idea of just running off with him, but I couldn’t just pick up and leave like that. “And Jane?”

“Jane?” His brow furrowed. “What about Jane?”

“She’s here, in Peter’s room.” I had forgotten that Jack hadn’t been around. “Milo saw her on Halloween, and she was doing really terrible. So we’re helping her out, I guess.”

“Peter’s room?” Jack looked appalled.

“Yeah, he’s sleeping in the den. Everyone is playing musical beds,” I waved it away.

“This house is too small for this many people,” Jack pointed out. “And that’s just another reason why we should move out.”

Running away might be too extravagant for me. I didn’t have a job, and Jack worked with Ezra and Peter. I didn’t want to leave Milo, but I didn’t think that Jack couldn’t support the four of us, since I’d probably have to include Bobby in the equation. Maybe he could, but if we were running away from Peter and Ezra, I wasn’t sure if that meant he’d quit his job too.

Not to mention I was still having issues with bloodlust, ones that could prove potentially fatal to everyone.

“What are you thinking?” he pushed a strand of hair off my forehead.

“I don’t care if we leave Peter, but I don’t think I’m ready to leave everyone else,” I said finally.