Finding You

“Mom, why? Why do you think this happened to us?”

I couldn’t say me, because this happened to Noah and me. I knew he felt the loss as much as I did. I saw it in his eyes. I felt it in his kiss and I heard it in his voice.

Wiping a tear from her cheek, my mother said, “Grace, I asked that same question. Only God knows the answer. The only thing I can wrap my head around is that sweet little baby wouldn’t have been able to make it. It’s a cruel, cruel thing to have to experience and no words will ever make you feel better.”

“The moment I saw the little plus sign, I felt such a strong love, Mom. I don’t think I’d ever be able to explain it. It was like he had been growing in my stomach for months.”

Looking over at Noah, I couldn’t hold back the sob that slipped through. “He wants a baby so bad, and I wasn’t able to give him one.”

Placing her finger on my chin, my mother pulled my eyes back to hers. “Stop that right now. This was not your fault and you will be able to give him a child, Grace. I went on and had your brother and you.”

Shaking my head, I said, “No. I’m never going to risk feeling like this again. Ever.”

Closing her eyes, she took in a shallow breath before opening them again. “Grace, if anyone knows how much you’re hurting right now, it’s me. But please don’t let that fear guide your feelings about children. One day, you and Noah are going to be blessed with a beautiful baby I promise you, darling.”

My body came to life when I felt his touch. Turning, I smiled when I saw Noah standing by my side. Smiling, he leaned over and brushed his lips gently across mine as my stomach dipped. Even though the kiss was soft, I felt Noah’s love pouring into my body and in that moment, I knew we were going to be okay. It was going to be a long road, but with Noah by my side it was a journey I knew we could make.

Together.

Pulling away slightly, Noah gazed into my eyes. “Grace Hope Bennet, you’re my everything. You always have been, and you always will be.”

Placing my hand on the side of Noah’s face, I fought to pull the words from my lips. “Don’t ever leave my side.”

Smiling a smile that took my breath away, Noah said, “Never.”

My smile faded as I softly spoke. “I feel so lost now.”

Noah shook his head as he placed his hand over mine. “Then it’s my turn to find you, Grace.”

Not being able to hold it back any longer, I let my tears fall as Noah sat on the bed and gently lifted me up to hold me.

Feeling my mother’s arms wrap around Noah and me, I let reality in.

Three months later

Riding up on my horse Rocky, I slowly brought him to a stop at the river’s edge as I watched the water pass me by. A cool Texas winter breeze blew the small strands of hair that fell from my ponytail around my face.

As I stared at the clear water rolling over rocks, I thought about the last few months since I’d lost the baby. At times I felt so broken I swore I was never going to heal. But today, today my eyes were open and I finally saw what I had been trying so hard not to see.

Driving by a small country church that I’ve driven by since I was a little girl, something caught my eye and caused me to pull into the parking lot. As I parked, I looked straight ahead and saw several white crosses. Opening my car door, I got out and walked through the small metal gate.

As I walked around, I noticed none of the crosses had names on them. They were plain with no words written on them. Making my way down the path, I looked up and saw a preacher.

Smiling, I walked over to him. “Hello. I hope I’m not trespassing, but this little graveyard caught my eye and I had to come in.”

Giving me a smile, he shook his head and said, “This isn’t a graveyard my child. This is a place of healing. For those who feel lost and alone . . . you’re walking among the cross.”

Looking around, I noticed that the white crosses were all in perfect rows but they seemed to be making something. It didn’t take me long to figure out the small white crosses made one giant cross.

“How have I never noticed this before?” I whispered.

Letting out a soft chuckle, the preacher said, “Sometimes our eyes don’t see . . . until God reveals what we need them to see at the right time we need to see it.”

In that moment, everything changed. The emptiness inside me disappeared and was replaced by hope.

Closing my eyes, I let the sound of the water take me to a place I’d been so afraid to go to until today. A baby room painted in a theme of Winnie the Pooh. Noah, holding a baby in his arms as tears fell from his eyes. Me walking around the garden with a little girl with brown bouncy curls chasing after me.