Finding You

Dropping to my knees, I buried my face in my hands and finally let go. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there until I felt a hand on my shoulder and strong arms lifting me up. When I opened my eyes, Jeff was standing in front of me with Ari behind him.

Tears flowed freely from my eyes as I said, “I don’t know what to do now.”

Ari walked up and wrapped her arms around me as Jeff squeezed my shoulder and looked away for a brief moment.

I wanted to run as far away as I could. The urge to drink something and take a pill to forget everything washed over me as I quickly fought it and pushed it aside.

Ari pulled back and looked into my eyes. “How is she?”

Swallowing hard, I said, “She’s trying to be strong. She keeps staring off in the distance. I don’t know if I should let her be, or try to get her to talk to me.” Shaking my head, I whispered, “I don’t know what to do for her.”

Ari nodded her head and laced her arm through mine as the three of us started to walk. “I know Grace has told you that Jeff and I lost our first child as well.”

Slowly nodding, I felt like a heel for not remembering. “Don’t give me that look. I didn’t expect you to remember after what just happened, Noah. But, I can tell you, Grace is going to push you away. If she’s anything like me, which I’ve been told a time or two she is.”

I let a small laugh escape my lips. “What do I do if she does?”

Ari looked at Jeff as they both smiled. Jeff cleared his throat and said, “You give her some space, leave her with her thoughts but not for long. She needs to know you feel the same way. Noah, you’ve both lost a child. You’re both going to grieve and if someone tells you that you weren’t that far along, bullshit. The moment you found out Grace was carrying your baby, you fell in love.”

My chin trembled as I thought back to last night when Grace blurted it out she was pregnant. In that moment I made a vow to always protect our baby. I fell in love . . . instantly.

“She’s going to blame herself,” I said with sadness lacing my voice. “She already asked what she did wrong.”

Ari covered her mouth and cried as Jeff wrapped her in his arms. “My poor baby. Oh God, Jeff. Why did this have to happen to our, Grace? Why our Grace?”

Jeff ran his hand over Ari’s head as he repeated, “Shh,” as he gently kissed her head.

After a few moments had passed, Ari seemed to regain herself. She stood up taller and looked between Jeff and me. “She’s going to be devastated, then confused, and then she’s going to be pissed. Noah, I want honesty right now. How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

Dragging in a deep and shaky breath, I slowly blew it out. “Earlier, I’d have given anything for a beer and something to make me feel numb. But I pushed it aside and focused on Grace. Her love and the fact that she needs me, is stronger than the urge.”

Ari smiled and Jeff slapped my back lightly. “If you feel the urge growing, you know what to do, right?” Jeff asked.

Nodding my head, I said, “Yes, sir. I called Brad after I called y’all. He told me if I was struggling, to call him or you.”

Jeff gave me a wink. “Come on, let’s go get some coffee and head up and wait for Dr. Johnson.”

Jeff wrapped his arm around Ari’s waist and led her into the hospital as I quickly said a prayer that everything went okay and that Grace would find the strength she was going to need to get through this.

Grace

The warmth of the sun shining through the window warmed my face as I laid there, too afraid to open my eyes. If I opened them, I’d have to face my reality.

Slowly opening my eyes, I saw my mother sitting in the corner with her knees pulled up and her head resting on them. My eyes filled with tears as I watched her. Turning my head, I saw Noah in the other chair with his head rested against the wall. My heart skipped a beat knowing that he was here. Not that I didn’t think he would be, but I knew the moment they brought me back into this room, he probably never left.

Glancing back over to my mother, I whispered, “Mom.”

My mother’s head popped up and her eyes met mine. There was an instant recognition there. She knew exactly how I felt.

She knew the feeling of loss.

Loss of your child.

Slowly standing up, my mother glanced over to Noah, then quickly looked back at me. “Hey, baby girl. How are you feeling?”

Pressing my lips together to keep from crying, I finally said, “Empty.”

Slowly shaking her head, my mother took my hand in hers and brought it up to her lips where she gently kissed it. “I know, sweetheart. I know.”