Finding Faith

As badly as I wanted everything Finn was offering me, I couldn’t take that chance—not when my child was involved.

I felt bad because Finn deserved to know about Jimmy. He deserved to be a parent just as much as I did. All the reasons that we weren’t together were lies spun by my father to keep me away from Finn. Neither of us was theoretically in the wrong, and if we started pointed fingers, technically, I was the one who walked away from him.

Another thing I had to worry about was work. No way could I continue to work for the boys. I couldn’t clean up for Finn, knowing everything that happened since we reunited. Plus, the more I went around him, the more likely I was to tell him about Jimmy. I just didn’t know what to do. I was stuck between a rock and hard place.

When I walked in the front door, Mom was sitting on the couch. Jimmy was napping on his dinosaur sleeping bag on the floor in front of the TV.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” she asked when she saw me crying.

I spent the next hour telling her everything. From the moment I left Finn in South Carolina to the moment I’d left him not twenty minutes before. I pulled out the two letters that I was positive my father had written and handed them to her.

She looked down at the letters and then back up at me with tear-filled eyes. Mom and I hadn’t been close since I was a little girl, but since she divorced my father, she was her old self again. It was nice having a relationship with her.

“Faith. Your father didn’t write these. I did,” she said as a tear slipped down her cheek.

I moved away from her and my heart sank. She suddenly looked different to me. She was so quiet and godly. No way could my mother have done such a thing.

“No, Mom,” I whispered.

She reached out for my hand and gripped my fingers.

“I’m so sorry. I just wanted our lives to go back to normal. I was tired of seeing you and your father argue, and I thought it was for the best. Now that I see the trouble I caused, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was so unlike anything my mother would do, but as a mother myself, I supposed I could see her way of thinking. Everything was a mess, and Mom and Jimmy were all I had. It was hard, but I had to forgive her. I couldn’t deny a person who’d asked for forgiveness, which was why I also had to forgive Finn.

I didn’t sleep that night as I snuggled in bed with my son. I held him close to me as I thought about our future and the last four years of my life. Things were hard, but I learned a lot about myself in those hard times. I learned how strong I could be when it was needed. I had to have faith that things would get better, and I had to have faith that Finn wouldn’t take my baby away from me if I revealed his existence.

It felt wrong not telling him, and a part of me knew that Finn would make a wonderful father. Jimmy was a great kid and he was really missing out by not knowing him. I had to do the right thing and pray that things would work out okay. By the time I fell asleep, I decided that I was going to tell Finn about Jimmy.

The next day, after I was done at the daycare, I went to the temp agency and told Mrs. Cooper that I couldn’t return back to work cleaning the condo. Thankfully, until I found something else, I still had the daycare, and Mrs. Karen, the daycare director, even promised to give me more hours.

I went to work the rest of that week still trying to figure out how to tell Finn about Jimmy. I knew it was wrong to run out on him without explanation, but I freaked out and went about it completely the wrong way.

That night, I watched some adult TV and saw parts of a Blow Hole concert. Finn looked amazing on stage. His voice had only gotten better since I’d last heard him sing. I watched and wished he was there singing sweetly to me the way he had when we were younger. I fell asleep with a dreamy smile on my face and thoughts of the past.

The following week, I finally got up the nerve to tell him, but when I got to his door, there was no one at the condo. I no longer had a key to get in, and if I did, I wouldn’t have gone in anyway. I left thinking that maybe fate had intervened. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell Finn. Maybe I should wait and spend some time with him first.

By the following week, I was already missing Finn, as if the last four years apart had never existed. I’d stop by every now and again, but no one was ever home. I just assumed they were out doing shows like they used to when I worked there.

Money from the daycare wasn’t great, but it was enough to keep my head above the bills. I was even able to pick up a few fun things at the grocery store for Jimmy when he asked for it, which wasn’t often since he never asked for anything. I was pretty sure I’d raised the best kid in the world.