Finding Faith

She winked over at me and I blushed for the first time in my entire life. Faith laughed and grabbed my hand with a tiny squeeze.

“I’m so glad I got to meet you, too.”

I walked Faith to her dad’s car and kissed her once more before she got in.

“I’ll see you tonight?” she asked.

I smiled down at her and nodded my head. She really was so adorable. “I’ll pick you up at the stop sign—same time.”

Her smile lit up my heart that had been so heavy for the last few days. I watched her drive away and smiled to myself. She was so amazing and I was one lucky son of a bitch to have her.

Fifteen

Faith

Burying your best and only friend kills a part of you—the part that held the memories the two of you made over the years. I couldn’t believe Amanda was gone. She’d always been there. Her laughter had sometimes been the only thing that could make me smile after a night with my dad and his belt.

Her coffin was pink and her mom welcomed all of her friends to sign it with multi-colored permanent markers. The marker shook in my hand as I wrote a message and told her I loved her.

Flowers took over the space as the entire church community bought bouquets for the family with condolences and donations for her burial. The room smelled of a fresh garden and ladies’ heavy perfume. I couldn’t tell if it was the smells that made me feel sick to my stomach or the fact that her mom had decided on an open coffin.

I found myself upset at the fact that Amanda was being buried in such a boring dress without a stitch of makeup on her face. No way would she be okay with that. I stood beside her coffin and cried silently until Sister Francis pulled me away.

Life—it was taken away so quickly and I’d spent all of mine afraid to live. Almost eighteen years of wasting my life following the rules, walking a straight line, afraid that if I stepped off track, the world would explode around me or the devil himself would appear in front of me and pull me into the underworld for eternity.

Some of the best things I’d experienced in my life so far had been when I was breaking the rules. This was my thinking process as I sat on a chair in the back of the church. Everyone came back there to mourn and eat. Amanda’s mom asked that everyone gather there instead of her house.

My dad took center stage as he proceeded to talk about how bad the teenagers these days were becoming and how Amanda had gotten caught up with the wrong crowd. I listened with my eyes glued to the plate of food in front of me. Finn was a part of the group he was talking about and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge in my stomach. I missed Finn so much and I needed him.

Without a second thought, I stood and slipped out the back of the church, grabbing my dad’s keys from his desk on the way out. I already knew because of the accident the reins on me were going to become even tighter. I figured I might as well go out with a bang and at least get to see Finn as much as I could before then. Seeing him somehow made things tolerable.

I was shocked when he introduced me to his mother. Amanda used to tell me when a guy introduced you to his parents, they were serious about you. Finn was serious about me and I was more than serious about him.

When I got back from my visit with Finn and his mom, I was happy to see no one even noticed I was gone. Dad’s keys were back on his desk in the nick of time and soon we were going home for the night. I stopped out by Amanda’s grave once more before getting in the car with my parents. I plucked one of the pink roses from the bouquet on top of the fresh dirt.

“I hope you don’t mind if I take this. I was thinking I’d dry it and close it in my journal.” I paused to take a much needed breath. “I’ll miss you, girl. Be good up there. Try not to give God too much hell,” I whispered into the wind.

I smiled to myself as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

As soon as we got home, my mom excused herself and went to her room. She was complaining of one of her stress headaches, but I knew the only thing that gave her a headache was my dad. I headed toward my room as well, but before I got to the hallway, my dad called me back into the living room.

“Faith, we need to talk.”

I hated the sound of that. I tucked my dress under me and took a seat on the couch across from him.

“What is it, Daddy?”

He pulled off his dress shoes and relaxed in his recliner.

“Me and your mother have been talking and we’ve come to a decision about something.” He cleared his throat and mine tightened. “We’re moving.”

I started to panic for a second, but then I realized that he might be talking about another house in the same area. I knew my dad, and he would never leave the church.