Finding Faith

“What is it?” I rasped.

My voice sounded different. Not young and inexperienced, but heavy with lust and greed. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it badly.

“This is wrong,” he simply stated.

He looked so unaffected by me that it stung a little. However, he was right. What we were doing was wrong and I was glad he had enough self-control to pull away from me since I didn’t think I could ever pull away from him.

I put my head down so he couldn’t see my disappointment, tucked my hair behind my ear, and cleared my throat.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

I had the sudden urge to cry. I was sick of being denied the things I wanted in my life. I was sick of always wondering what something was like. I’d had a taste of Finn and all it did was make the urge worse.

Why was this happening to me? I’d been good my entire life. I lived the way Daddy taught me was the right way. I went to church and said my prayers every chance I got. How was I able to allow such sinful impulses to take over me? The devil was working overtime on me, and I had the feeling that if I didn’t stop myself soon, I’d do something that I couldn’t undo and taint my soul.

Just thinking of my soul, I clutched at my cross and took slow, deep breaths.

“Don’t be sorry. This was my fault. I’m the sinner, remember?” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m going back outside. I just came in for a break. I’ll see you around, okay?”

I nodded my answer and said nothing as he stepped away and left the room.

The following day, Friday, I went to the church again with Daddy and again, I sat at the window and watched Finn work. It was sad how mixed up in him I was. Perhaps it had something to do with that life-altering kiss—my first kiss. Maybe it was because he was so different than everything around me and a nice change of pace. Either way, I couldn’t stop myself.

This time, I only looked when his back was to me. I didn’t want to take the chance of him catching me staring again. It was hotter than the day before, and he and the other guy who was working on clearing out the rocks were drenched in sweat.

His shirt stuck to his body and begged to be taken off. I wanted to see what was under there. I wanted to see if there were more tattoos and piercings. I wanted it more than a cold glass of iced tea on a hot day. And then, as if hearing my thoughts, he reached down and pulled his shirt up and over his head.

If I’d thought that his body looked shapely under his clothing, I really had no idea what I was thinking. With his shirt gone, I could see every ripple; every move his body made was emphasized in the muscles that moved beneath his skin. There was a tattoo on his right shoulder blade that I couldn’t make out, and when he turned toward where I stood, I didn’t hide this time.

My eyes were glued to him. From his hard chest, down over his ribs and abdominal muscles, and past the light dusting of dark hair beneath his belly button. He took my breath away and I felt funny. My breasts felt heavy and sensitive. There was a deep tingling sensation that ran from my stomach into the lower parts of my body and past my thighs.

When I looked back up, he was staring back at me with an angry expression. He picked up his shirt and pulled it roughly over his head. Spearing his shovel into the dirt so it stood on his own, he walked toward the church.

Quickly, I moved away from the window and spun around. When I did, I ran into my dad. He towered over me with knowing eyes.

“‘But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’ Matthew 5:28. I think these days that goes for men as well. Don’t let me catch you lusting after that boy again, Faith,” he said with tight lips. “Thankfully, he won’t be here much longer. Now come on. Stephen’s here and wants to talk to you.”

My cheeks flamed with embarrassment. Daddy never talked about sex or lust. Hearing him say the word made me feel sick to my stomach. I nodded my understanding and followed behind him. We barely made it to the door to leave when Stephen walked in.

His brassy auburn hair looked redder in the sunlight and the sun glinted off of his braces when he smiled at me. He really was a nice guy, but I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried to make myself, like him.

“Everyone okay in here?” he asked my dad with a smile.

“Yes, sir, just coming to get our girl,” my dad said as he clapped me roughly on the back before he stepped away and left the room.

“Sorry. I hope I wasn’t interrupting your work, but my mother said you were here today and since I didn’t get your number on our last date, I thought I’d stop by and ask you if you wanted to grab a bite to eat since it’s dinner time.”