Enough to Miss Christmas

Dr. Mason tried to soften his chastisement. "Did your mother really utilize that thing frequently with your children?"

"God, yes! And she fed us Castor oil, and made us eat vegetables and did all kinds of cruel and unusual things! She even washed Suzanne's mouth out with soap when she slipped and said fuck at the dinner table one night! And you know we got spankings! Just don't go there! I'm sick of you categorizing my parents as beasts!" As he began to protest, I added, "And don't worry, I'm not about to tell Karen the soap-in-the-mouth story because she'd say 'fuck' in a minute just to test me and see if I'd whip out the Dial or the Ivory!"

Dr. Mason tried to defuse the situation with his version of humor. "I imagine Sarah Jeanne got her mouth washed out a few times too."

"Wrong, Doctor. Sarah didn't pick up her dirty mouth until she started living with soldiers."

Dr. Mason tried to pursue other avenues of discussion, but everything fell flat after that. As the time drew to a close, he offered another suggestion.

"Sarah Jeanne, you're a sensitive and loving woman and Karen is a beautiful child; a young lady. You both have conflicting feelings and incredibly strong wills. It's dangerous; this testing business."

"I know. It's stupid but how can I stop it?"

He brushed the question aside with a wave of his hand. "Karen is afraid to love you as a mother. She needs you to first prove that you love her as much as your mother loved you. That's why she's constantly harping on your childhood. You in turn need Karen to love you the way you and your mother loved each other. That's why you crave for her to say it. That's why the words are so important. They are more so than her actions which must demonstrate on a daily basis how strongly she truly feels."

He made my head whirl. It made me sound like some kind of mixed up nut case when all I wanted to be was a good mother. I couldn't find the words to express what I felt. Before I could try, the doctor continued.

"What would you say to a joint session in the future, both you and Karen together?"

"Did you ask Karen about doing this?"

"No, but I will if you agree."

"I have no problem with it. I'm not sure what it will accomplish, but we don't have many secrets between us. Probably not enough."

"Why do you say that?"

Here was another area where I'd have trouble explaining myself; our mutual agreement for absolute truth. I tried to dance around the subject but he pressed.