Enough to Miss Christmas

"I'm not trying to be judgmental," Sarah Jeanne.

"Oh, bull shit, Doctor. That's exactly what you're doing! I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt Karen. I love her beyond description. I just want desperately to please her and be the best mother I can be."

"While I don't question your goals, in all honesty, weren't you surrendering to her manipulation? Wasn't the medical necessity secondary to personal interplay between the two of you? You played mind games with a twelve-year-old and lost."

"Damn it! I didn't cause the constipation, and I didn't force the remedy!" I couldn't get any more words out. Finally, I blubbered, "Okay, I was manipulated by my daughter."

"I'm sorry Sarah Jeanne. I don't mean to upset you. I'm just trying to get you to accept some responsibility instead of blaming Karen for what happened."

I began to cry anew, in spite of wanting in the worse way to stop. A horrible feeling of guilt swept over me. Had I really manipulated a little girl into enduring a dreaded invasion of her privacy and a messy, embarrassing and unnecessary procedure? I felt awful. Had Karen just pretended to understand?

Dr. Mason rose and passed me another tissue. "Don't feel so terrible. Karen thinks you were a saint to do what you did." I looked up at him. "My concern is the dynamics here, not the enema, though I think the procedure is disgusting and totally unnecessary. There was definitely manipulation on both sides here. Karen keeps testing you to be as strict and exacting as your mother, and you were testing her to see how far she'd go with this challenge. You love her so much and so unconditionally you'll do anything. But these tests are going to accelerate until something breaks."

"Karen said that? That I was a saint?"

"Yes, but that's not the point."

"God, yes that's the point! Do you know how long I've waited to hear something positive about her feeling toward me?"

"You know why she let you do that, don't you? Because of what you told her your mother said, that certain unpleasant things had to be done if you loved your child enough. Maybe you never used those exact words, but that's her thought process. You passed this test but I'd be surprised if it's your final challenge."

I was speechless in spite of the doctor looking for my response. I knew he was right. It hadn't been just an enema. It had been a way of testing my love. Well, so be it. I passed. Screw his opinion. I felt closer to Karen than I'd ever been.