Desertion

“Are you going out now?” I ask Ava as I place the cake in the fridge and tidy the kitchen. She stayed quiet at the table as Dad took Mom, not once moving.

“I think I’m just going to go watch some television.” She stands and walks out, leaving me alone. I contemplate going to see her, but Dad was right. We all need to mourn and remember her in our own way.

Grabbing my keys, I head straight for the car. I don’t know where I’m going, just that I need to get out of here and think.

I drive thinking about growing up with Paige, and what we used to do on our birthdays. Paige and I were close. She is only a year younger than me and we were like best friends. We shared a room, told each other everything. It’s why I know she wouldn’t have run away. She would never run from me. She was happy. I would know if something was up. I never agreed with what the police thought. I just know she wouldn’t do it. In the beginning, I thought she would just come back to us. We would wake up one day and she would be back. But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I would fight an internal battle wondering if she was dead or alive. The unknown is always worse. And most days, I pray she isn’t in any pain, and if she is dead, wishing whoever took her life made it quick. It may be morbid and may be wrong, but the thought of anything else makes my stomach roll. If I could swap places with her, I would. If I could save her, I would.

After what feels like hours, I find myself driving up the gravel driveway of the Knights Rebels’ compound. I park my car and just sit and try to figure out what I’m doing here.

“You just gonna sit out here all day or you gonna come on in?” A female voice pulls me out of my head with a tap on the window.

“Sorry?” I look up to find Holly and Xzavier next to my window. “Oh, hi, Holly.” I release my seatbelt and open the door.

“How are you, Bell?” she asks, cradles her baby boy to her chest. He’s only a couple weeks old, but by the looks of it, takes after his daddy’s build.

“I’m good. How are you? How’s baby X?” I ask, stroking his cheek.

“We’re great. X is getting so big like his daddy.” She gazes down at her son and places a kiss to his head. I watch her quietly as she closes her eyes and breathes him in. “What are you doing here?” She looks up out of her new baby trance and questions me.

“Umm, well, I was hoping to see Jesse.” I look toward the front door, wondering if I’ve crossed some line coming here.

“Oh.” A teasing smile takes over and I can tell she wants to question me, but she holds off. “Come on in.” She turns and waits for me to follow her. I exit my car and walk in silence until we get just inside the door.

“Wait.” I stop, not sure if coming here was smart.

“Hey, it’s okay. I can see you’re freaking, but you made it this far. Don’t back out now,” she reasons and I have to give it to her; she knows how to make me feel at ease.

“I just don’t know if he’s going to be okay with this.” I say too much and regret it instantly.

“If he’s an ass, I’ll kick his ass,” she says, taking my hand and pulling me further into the club. The clubhouse is noisy, not as noisy as the last time I was here, but it still makes me uneasy. More people to see me embarrassed if Jesse kicks me out again. “He’s out back.” Holly comes to a stop at the opening of the main area and points to the back glass doors.

“You can’t just leave me now,” I plead, turning to face her. She laughs but doesn’t argue.

“Kadence, get your ass in here,” she shouts, and a few seconds later, Kadence sticks her head around the corner.

“Bell?” she questions when she recognizes me.

“Hi.” I wave, wishing I was back home with Mom’s cake. I have no idea what I was thinking. These people don’t need to see my drama.

“Go get Jesse,” Holly instructs, and a grin spreads across Kadence’s face.

“Jesse, get your ass inside,” Kadence yells and I sink back further, planning an escape. If I could just get out of here.

“Actually, I just remembered I left something in the car.” I turn to hightail it out of here.

“Oh no, we have a runner.” Holly laughs and lets me pass. I don’t stop to tell her I’m not running, just walking fast, backing out before I make a fool of myself.

“Bell?” Jesse’s voice stops me before I turn the corner.

“Shit,” I curse, Jesse’s dirty mouth rubbing off on me.

“Oh, Nurse Bell has a dirty mouth,” Kadence says, and it’s official, this was a bad mistake.

“Hi.” I gingerly turn back to face him.

“What are you doing here?” His question doesn’t sound angry or upset, just curious.

“I was just driving and…” my mind drifts off as I contemplate how I even made it here.

“What do you need, Bell?” Jesse steps forward, voice lowered. No judgment, just offering me whatever I need.

“I, umm, I didn’t mean to come here.” He steps closer and my tears start to sting as I try to hold them back.

“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t mean to.” He takes my hand and pulls me into his arms. “Bell, talk to me,” he whispers, but I don’t need to talk. I just need to be held.

It’s funny, I’ve never been held before like this, comforted by someone other than my parents or friends. This feels different, like his strength could hold me up all night. I’ve never felt anything like it before. The people who have held me in the past, have always been trying to hold themselves up. The way Jesse holds me, it’s like my body trusts itself to give him everything I’ve ever held in. Let someone else outside of the situation take what I can’t handle.