Desertion

“You want pizza, Low?” I ask, flicking one of her buttons, which sings some “ABC” shit.

“She can’t eat pizza.” Z laughs, shaking his head.

“More for us then.” I snatch the phone and dial out.

“You’re so cool, Jesse.” Z announces before the call is answered and a small ache twists in my gut wondering if I had a son would he still think that? Or would our relationship be like the one I have with my father? Those sort of questions hold too many what ifs, and the very reason why I would never want to find out. I don’t ever want to be like that man.

“Pick up the damn phone, Bell,” I grumble into the phone the next morning. I wanted to go to her last night, but Nix and Kadence ran into an emergency and I had to stay with the kids. I know she said she was busy with family shit, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to speak to her.

“All right, that’s it.” I stand and decide I’m just going to drop by. Typing out the text, I tell her I’ll be there in ten minutes. I don’t wait around for a reply, just head out to my bike.

The ride over to her place is quick, and for a second, I contemplate turning around, but I hold strong and walk the path to the front porch. Taking a deep breath, I ring the bell and step back.

“Bell, can you get the door?” Someone calls out, and before I can blink, the door is open and Bell is standing there.

“What the hell, Jesse?” She pushes me back and steps outside. “Why are you here?” Her mouth forces a smile, but her eyes don’t strive for the same effort.

“I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” I shrug, thinking maybe I was reading too much into her not taking my calls.

“I told you it’s fine. I understand,” she says, but the way she’s acting now, she doesn’t seem fine.

“I know, but I wanted to make it up to you.” I pull her to me. The need to kiss her now that she is in front of me is too much to ignore.

“What’s wrong?” I ask when she tenses under my touch.

“It’s Paige’s Birthday. We are having a family thing for her, you know…” she trails off.

Fuck.

“Sorry, sweetheart. You should have told me. I wouldn’t have come,” I tell her, stepping back. It’s not the time. Coming here today wasn’t right.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, and I wish I could hold her, tell her everything is okay, but I know it’s too much for her to take in right now.

“I’ll speak to you later,” I wink and head back down the porch steps wishing she would call me back and ask me to stay. But she doesn’t and I understand why. This is why it’s hard to walk away from her. I get what she needs, just like she does for me. I just wish I could help her, like she seems to help me.

Sixteen BELL

“Who was at the door, dear?” Mom asks when I walk back into the kitchen.

“Ahh, just a friend.” I brush it off, not ready to tell her about Jesse. I nearly told her yesterday about him, but when I got the message he had to cancel due to a family issue, I held off. I wasn’t sure if Jesse was backing away or if he really did have family drama, but I tried not to let it get to me. Instead, I hung out at home with Ava watching lame romance movies and tried to forget that Paige’s birthday was looming.

“Oh, you should have invited them in.” She goes back to icing the cake, missing my panicked state.

“They were just dropping by, couldn’t stay.” My gaze travels over to my sister and I catch her watching me.

“Oh, what a shame,” she teases, reading my panic. After talking with Ava last night about Jesse, I feel closer to her, but it doesn’t mean she’s going to stop giving me shit. That’s what little sisters are for, right?

“Yes, a shame.” I fire a do-not-push-it look her way.

“Bell, can you run and get your dad? The cake is ready,” Mom asks, missing the unspoken conversation between Ava and me.

“Sure.” I smile the most upbeat smile I can conjure. I hate this part of the day. I understand it’s important to remember Paige, but I just feel sometimes I need to remember her on my own. Hanging around pretending like everything is okay can become exhausting.

“Dad, Mom’s ready with the cake.” I knock on Dad’s office door. When he isn’t in the shop working on boats, he’s in here, doing paperwork.

“Okay, darling.” He closes his laptop and stands. I watch him carefully, wondering what it must feel like on days like this, but never really sure how to go about asking. “Are you okay, Bell?” he asks, wrapping his arm around me.

“Yeah, Dad,” I sigh, as we make our way into the kitchen.

“You’re not, but I get it.” He stops and turns to look at me. “I know how hard it is for all of us today. We all need to grieve and remember in our own way. Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll get you out of here,” he whispers as my mom brings the cake to the table. I want to fall into his embrace, and tell him how much I need that but I don’t. I can’t.

“Okay,” Mom says with a shaky voice. “Everyone come on.” She waves us forward. My dad gives me a wink and motions me forward. “Happy birthday, Paige, wherever you are, baby girl. We are thinking about you and we love you.” She lights the candle and we all softly sing “Happy Birthday.” My mom breaks down after blowing out the candle and my dad sweeps in to comfort her. He gives me a wink walking out of the kitchen and up the stairs to their bedroom where he will probably spend the next few hours holding mom while she comes undone.