Death's Excellent Vacation (Sookie Stackhouse 9.5)

Isn't that funny? The meat renamed himself just like he's a vampire. " Serpentine. I'd have Don burning up the computers on that alias as soon as we got home. "Ah, mate, I owe you. Next round's on me. " Bones stayed another twenty minutes, letting Poppy ramble more until I fantasized about wrapping duct tape around the vampire's mouth. Finally, Bones feigned regret over needing to leave, but told Poppy he'd be back next weekend. And complained about how he'd have the bratty heiress with him. My brows rose. What are you up to, Bones?

Chapter Twelve

Six

I pulled the clothes out of the dryer and stifled a curse. Bleach stains everywhere. Tammy was twenty; how could she not know how to do a load of laundry without ruining everything? Still, at least Tammy was doing her own laundry now. Or trying to. That was the result of my mother's influence. Twenty years of spoiled rich bitch didn't stand a chance against forty- six years of farm-reared discipline. Even though I was much closer to Tammy's age and my mother made Tammy do things that caused the blonde to wail, to my surprise, my mother was the person Tammy seemed to have bonded with. Perhaps that was my fault. Maybe I was so used to being in search-and-destroy mode that I couldn't tackle being in a nurturing one instead. The thought was oddly depressing. Check my ovaries, Doctor, because maybe I'm not really a woman. After dinner--which my mother still insisted on cooking, not that I complained--we sat by the fireplace. It was time to fill Tammy in on what we'd found out. "Tammy, here's what's going on: Don still hasn't found your cousin, but Bones found out that the original hit man who took your contract is dead. " Tammy bolted out of her chair.

"That's great! Does it mean I can go home now?" "Not so fast. The hitter died under unusual circumstances. " Tammy sat back down, her enthusiasm fading. "How?" "His throat was ripped out, " Bones said bluntly. "And his computer and other effects were rummaged through, so someone else might have taken an interest in his unfinished jobs. " Bones's connections from his bounty hunter days turned out to be faster than Don's computers, because he discovered Serpentine was dead before my uncle even found out his real name. Don did send a team over to examine the apartment where Serpentine--or James Daily, as the autopsy certificate read--was found. Even though the person was clever at covering their tracks, Don could tell someone had hacked into Serpentine's computer. Maybe it was a coincidence that some of the files that were accessed were about Tammy, or that Serpentine had been killed by a vampire. We knew Serpentine had undead connections since he sent a ghoul after Tammy. But maybe it was more than coincidence. "I told you vampires normally don't bother with contracts on humans, but life never fails to surprise, " Bones said in a dry tone. "When we were at Bite, I told the gossipy bloke I spoke with that we'd be back tomorrow night. If we still go, it would allow me to dig for more information, but there's a chance it could prove dangerous to you. " Tammy scoffed. "How dangerous? I've almost been electrocuted, shot, and eaten by a ghoul, remember?" "If another vampire did decide to get involved with the contract on you, he or she could follow us back here and try to take you out, " I said quietly. Tammy gave us a shrewd look. "And then you could catch them. Find out where my cousin is, I'd bet. I saw you in action against that ghoul, Cat. How about you, Bones? You're a tough guy, right? Because I want this over. I want my life back. " Fabian floated in the room. "I could be the lookout. No other vampire or ghoul would notice me. I'd help keep Tammy safe. " Poor Fabian, he was right. Vampires and ghouls were notoriously disrespectful of ghosts. They ignored them more than most humans ignored homeless people. "Thanks, Fabian, " I said. "We could really use your help. "

"It's so weird when you do that, " Tammy muttered. I hid a smile. Some part of me thought Tammy didn't believe Fabian existed and that we just pretended to speak with him to mess with her. "I'll help protect her, " my mother said. Her face was closed off, as if she were fighting back memories. Once again, I hated what had been done to her because of me. Bones rose from his chair. "All right. If we're going to Bite tomorrow, it's time you learn to defend yourself, Tammy. " She gave him a startled look. "Isn't that what I'm paying you two for?" I didn't correct Tammy by saying my uncle and his department were getting her money, not Bones or me. I hoped Don wasn't taking Tammy to the cleaners, but he was a government official. "You should still know basic skills. After all, you're a pretty girl, and predators can have heartbeats, too. "Tammy brightened at the compliment. I hid a smile. Flattery would make her much more accommodating, as Bones would know. Bones went into the kitchen and came out with a steak knife. He dangled it in front of Tammy, who looked at it doubtfully. "What do you expect me to do with this?" "Stab me with it, " Bones replied. "In the heart. " Her mouth hung open. It was the first time I'd seen her speechless. "You're kidding?" she finally got out. "You need to learn how to protect yourself against a vampire. Granted, your odds would be dismal, but your advantage is that no vampire would see you as a threat. " "That's how I managed to kill so many of them when I was your age, " I chimed in. "The element of surprise can save your life. "

Tammy looked at the knife again. "I don't know . . . " Bones let out an exasperated noise. "Justina, come here and show her how it's done. " My mother looked more surprised than Tammy had when the whole conversation began. I was taken aback, too. "You want me to stab you?" my mother asked in disbelief. Bones gave her an impish grin. "Come on, Mum. How many times have you dreamed about that?" My mother got up, took the knife, and then stuck it right in the middle of Bones's chest. He never flinched or moved to block her. "See, Tammy, this is how most people would think to do it, " Bones said calmly. "But Justina knows the blade isn't in deep enough, nor is it in the right place. The heart's a bit to the left, not exactly in the center. And she didn't twist the knife, which is what you must always, always do to kill a vampire, unless you've stabbed the heart with more than one knife. " Bones took the knife out and handed it back to my mother. "Now, Justina, show her how it's really done. " My mother looked even more startled, but she took the blade, aimed more carefully this time, and shoved it in with a small shudder. "Twist, " Bones said, as if this didn't hurt him, which it would, even if steel through the heart wasn't fatal.