Blindness

He stands then to look at me, and I lay there with my hands reaching for the top of the mattress, above my head. I’m starting to feel shy and nervous, when Cody finally talks.

“I don’t want you to think it has anything to do with how you look, right now, right here in my bed, but I just want you to know, I love you, Charlie,” he says, his eyes serious. “You have no idea how many nights I’ve dreamt of this. How many nights I laid here and closed my eyes, pretending, wishing and so goddamned jealous. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.”

Not able to take it, I sit up and thrust myself at him, kissing his lips to stop him from denying us any more time. “Stop it, Cody. Don’t say that,” I say. “You do deserve me. We deserve each other. I’m pretty sure it was supposed to be you all along. It was always supposed to be you, Cody.”

He bites his lip at my words, and I slide my hands from around his neck down to his jeans. I unbuckle his belt first, and then find the button and zipper while I kiss along his chest, following the trail of his tattoos. I’m a little nervous when I let his jeans fall and push his underwear down with them. Trevor’s the only man I’ve ever been with, the only man I’ve ever seen. And everything was always comfortable, easy—ordinary—with him. I’m not sure what to expect with Cody, and I hope I can measure up to what he’s had before.

I don’t look, but instead gulp loudly, trying to calm my nerves. I slide my fingertips along his stomach until I reach lower and find him hard and ready. I don’t look—I can’t—as I wrap my hand fully around the length of him, touching him softly and tenderly. His eyes close at my contact, and I give myself a brief glance—mostly because I’m scared of his size. I can see the large scar that runs up the length of his thigh, it’s purple and deep, and I know it hurts. But I don’t want him to think I notice; I don’t want him to think I care at all about his imperfection. It’s quite the opposite, really—I think it makes him that much more perfect.

When I look up, I find Cody staring at me, taking in my face—never my eyes, but all other parts of me. He reaches up to wrap one of my curled locks around his fingers, and he smirks as he does.

“I remember doing this, you know. That night of my party? When I was drunk off my ass? I don’t remember a lot, but I remember the way your hair felt in my fingers. I’ve wanted to just reach out and touch it so many times,” he says, licking his lips lightly while he watches my hair unravel from his hand and fall along my bare br**sts.

“I’m yours,” I say to him, meaning every bit of those two small words, and the four I follow them up with. “I love you, Cody.”

He pushes me back to the bed and follows me, slowly lowering his body over mine. I’m shivering from my nerves, but I tell him it’s because I’m cold, and he rubs his hands along my arms and neck, into my hair, trying to warm me. He kisses his way along my jaw until he stops again at my lips, speaking with barely any breath at all. “In my drawer…condom,” he says, and I reach to my left and slide his drawer open, feeling around until I find it. I tear the package with my teeth and hand it to him.

I hold my breath as he slides it on, and my head is swirling from the adrenaline coursing through me. My heart is beating so loudly, I’m sure Cody can feel it. He brings his forehead to mine again and kisses me lightly on the lips as he slowly slides forward until I feel the tip of him enter me. I cry out, and he stops, opening his eyes to look at me, to make sure I’m okay.

“More—I need all of you,” I say, gripping at his back with desperation. I’m so terrified that something is going to end this—take Cody away from me right here and now, before I know him intimately. And I can’t bear the thought. I thrust my hips, forcing him to move into me more, and he gasps when I do.

“Jesus, Charlie. It’s so much better than I thought,” he says, rocking back out from me, only to enter me again. Each time we meet, we both lose our breath, panting and fighting for air while our bodies slide together. My eyes are actually tearing from the pleasure, and I want to feel more of him, to see him, watch him, and know if he’s feeling the same way I am.

I wrap my legs around him completely, and when he reaches for my thigh, I urge him onto his back so I can sit up completely and continue our rhythm. His entire body is on fire, his skin hot to the touch, and I lean forward as I move my hips back and forth along the length of him so I can press my lips to his neck. He grabs the sides of my face as I do and brings me to look at him.