Barely Breathing

"I can be spontaneous," he defended.

"Okay, then let's have sex right here, right now," I proposed.

"Here?" Evan scanned the beach. It was practically deserted, since any sane person would deem it too cold. But there were still a few crazy people walking along the shoreline, bundled up. "You want to have sex right now?" He watched for my reaction, to see if I was serious.

I caved. "Fine. No. But I was trying to make a point."

"I can be spontaneous," he repeated. "You wait."

"You can't plan to be spontaneous," I teased.

"Hey," Sara said, drawing our attention as they neared us. She set the tray of hot chocolate on the blanket. "It's not that bad out if you move around."

"Thanks for getting these," I replied, taking a hot chocolate. "But I'm still staying under the blanket."

"Football?" Jared offered Evan.

"Sure," Evan agreed, leaving me with a quick kiss. The heat escaped with his departure. I pulled the blanket around me with a shiver.

"Your hair's a mess." Sara eyed me suspiciously. "What were you two doing while we were gone?"

"Keeping warm," I answered, my cheeks igniting as I took a sip of hot chocolate. We watched the guys toss the football and chase after it as it got carried away in the wind.

"Do you swear Evan doesn't know anything about tomorrow?"

"No, he has no clue," Sara promised. "He still thinks he's spending the day with his brother, hiking."

"Good," I smiled.

"I think you're going to pull it off."

"I hope so," I returned, my stomach churning with nervous energy just thinking about what I had planned for his birthday.

We turned our attention back toward the guys.

"Emma, if you ever want to visit your mother in the hospital, I'll go with you," Sara offered suddenly.

"No," I shook my head. "I don't want to see her. I can't."

"Alright," she replied, her voice low and careful. "Em, are you okay?"

I heard the weight of concern in her question. "I'm getting there," I assured her with a small smile. "Can't say my life's boring."

Sara let out a sharp laugh. "What? That's kind of a twisted thing to say."

I shrugged, accepting that it was true. But her comment made me think of Jonathan, and my shoulders sank. I hadn't talked to him since the day I’d called him from Evan’s. We’d texted a few times, but each text felt strained. I knew I'd need to face him eventually. He’d said he wanted me to be honest. But I wasn't so sure that he was prepared to hear the truth, and I was afraid to tell him.

Sara pulled a blanket around her, giving in to the fact that it really wasn't warm. The guys jogged back to us, their faces red and hair disheveled.

Evan cuddled in under the blanket. "Omigod, you're freezing." I tensed away from his frigid touch.

"I know," he pulled me closer, "I need you to help warm me up."

I squirmed under the blanket with a yelping laugh when he tried to put his frigid hands under my shirt.

"Okay, fine," Sara conceded with heavy breath, "let's go back to my house where it's above seventy degrees and we can go swimming."

"Thank you." I jumped up to gather our things, wanting more than anything to get out of the pelting wind. We packed up and headed to the car.

"Do you want to come back to my place instead?" he asked me when we were in the backseat, on our way back to Weslyn. "I was hoping to spend some time with you before Jared and I head off for the hike tomorrow."

I grinned and nodded, unable to face him―afraid my grin would give away that I was hiding something. "I like that idea. Do you mind if I shower first, to get the sand and salt off?"

"Sure. You can just meet me at my place when you're done."

Sara didn't have an issue when I told her I was going to spend the rest of the day with Evan. I was pretty certain she wanted some alone time of her own with Jared. I found Evan in the backyard when I arrived, sitting under the oak tree, waiting for me.

"I can't believe we spent most of the day freezing," I said, pulling myself up on the swing. I soaked in the warmth of the lowering sun as I swayed back and forth. "It was beautiful here all day."

"The day's not over yet," Evan said, leaning in and gripping the wood to give me a push. "We can enjoy it 'til it's over."

"What does that mean?" I questioned. "Isn't that what we're doing?"

Evan laughed. "It is. But, how about you stay the night? It's supposed to be pretty nice tonight. We can sleep outside."

"Like camping?" I clarified.

"That's a better idea. I think I have a tent in the garage. We can sleep in the backyard, or we can go to the meadow. The sky will look incredible out there, away from the lights. What do you think?"

"Evan," I grinned accusingly, "did you plan this?"

He started laughing. "No, I swear. It just came to me when you were talking about missing out on today. I'm going to be gone all of tomorrow, so let me spend the rest of today with you."

"So you're being spontaneous?" I teased. He smiled and intercepted my swing, placing his hands on the board on either side of my hips. He leaned in and kissed me gently.

"Will you please stay over?" he whispered, brushing his lips across mine again.

"Yes," I replied in a breath with my eyes closed, leaning in for another touch that made my head spin. He kissed me a little longer, and I thought I was going to fall off the swing.

He pulled away. "C'mon, Emma." He held out his hand and I jumped off the swing to take it.

We gathered sleeping bags and the tent, along with firewood and other essentials from the barn. Evan packed us sandwiches and drinks. I grabbed marshmallows, making Evan smile. We strapped everything into the trailer on the back of the ATV.

"I like spontaneity," I announced as we headed into the woods. Evan grinned as he drove us further along the trail toward the meadow.

As the sun tucked behind the trees, we set the tent up in the clearing, closer to the brook where the grass wasn't as long. Evan pulled out a small shovel and dug a fire pit.

While he stacked the wood near the pit and prepared a fire, I set up the interior of the tent.

"You brought an air mattress?" I questioned when I pulled the sleeping bags out of the trailer.

"I thought it would be more comfortable," he explained. "I know you're still a little sore."

"Thanks," I grinned.

Evan lit the fire as the hues in the sky transitioned from orange to dark purple. The lingering warmth teased that summer was right around the corner, but still far enough away to make me yearn for it. Evan laid out a thick blanket in front of the fire where we sat to eat.

"I really do like it out here," I shared with an easy smile.

"Me too," Evan agreed. "Does Sara know you're staying over?"

"Ooh, no," I said with a grimace. "I left my phone in my car. Do you have yours?"

"No, it's in my room," he said. "Do you want to go back to call her?"

"She knows I'm with you, so she'll cover for me. Anna and Carl trust you."

Evan grinned. "I'm sure they might hesitate if they knew we weren't sleeping in separate rooms tonight."

"No, I think they would still trust you."

After we finished eating, I lay back on the blanket. The sky was filling in with stars as the darkness spread.

"Everything seems so possible when I look up in the sky and see the universe gleaming before me."

"It is," Evan replied, laying next to me to take in the same view.

"Wanna know something I realized?" I continued without waiting for Evan to respond. "I've spent most of my life trying to make it to a future that still hasn't happened, or avoid a past that won't let me go. I don't remember when I've ever just stopped to live in the present, to hold on to the seconds I'm in."

"Well, your future's still unfolding, you'll just have to let it happen as it intends to. But what's keeping you from being free of your past?"

I thought for a moment. "Forgiveness."

"Do you forgive me?"

I shifted my head toward him with my brows knotted. "Why would I need to forgive you?"

Evan tilted his head to the side to look into my eyes. "Because I kept it from you... what happened that night."

"But I didn't want to know, so you did what you thought I needed." I turned back to the stars. We listened to the crickets chirp in the stillness.

"Evan?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me one thing that I still don't understand?"

"I'll try."

"How did my ankle shatter?"

Evan was silent. I zoned in on a single star above me and waited. "She had a hammer. I saw it on the bed next to your foot." His voice was low and strained. I closed my eyes, the strangled words overtaking me.

"That's why you couldn't do that Art project, isn't it? Why you had to leave the room that day?"

I reached for his hand. It was hot and tense. I slipped my fingers through his and he gripped them tightly.

"I forgive you," I breathed. "Now you have to forgive me."

"For what?"

"Not listening. For staying when both you and Sara begged me not to. For not telling anyone and convincing you to remain quiet too. For not asking for help. For―"

"That's enough," he cut me off. My heart pounded hard, thinking of the many reasons I needed to be forgiven that I still hadn't named. Evan raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. He rolled on his side and intercepted my view, his eyes glassy and full of emotion.

"I forgive you," he whispered. My throat closed and I swallowed against the tears that pooled in the corners of my eyes. "I forgive you," he whispered again, running his hand along the side of my face. My eyes shut with the tenderness of his touch. "I forgive you," he breathed, his voice wavering. I opened my eyes to see the tear glisten as it rolled down his cheek.

I opened my mouth to speak. My lip quivered and the words remained choked in the back of my throat.

"Now, Emma, you need to forgive yourself."

I pressed my lips together and closed my eyes, the tears caught in my lashes. Before I could open them again, my breath was captured by the firmness of his lips. That kiss said every word left unspoken. It filled me with more emotion than I thought possible to contain.

I leaned toward him and he wrapped his arms around me, fusing us together. His heart beat against my chest, thumping so hard it reverberated throughout my entire body. His mouth slid over mine. I could taste our tears, the salt lingering on his lips and over my tongue.

My heart ached with each kiss. I couldn't get close enough to him, pulling him into me. I needed him more than I needed to breathe.

I pulled back and slid my shirt over my head. His warm hands ran along my back, unclasping. Our mouths collided with such frenzy, we couldn't catch our breath. Evan lifted his shirt over his head. His taught muscles pressed against my bare skin. The heat of our flesh melding us.