“Come on, man. She’ll be fine,” Chris said, then through the windshield of her sister’s car I watched Sarah fasten her seat belt.
42
SARAH
THERE WERE NO words to describe the pain of watching E get in his car and pull away. I was left with a virtual stranger. Jenny grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze before pulling out onto the road.
“Mom is really excited to see you,” she said as I reached out to turn off the annoying pop music that blared through the speakers. I found a station playing classic rock and turned up the volume to let Jenny know I didn’t feel like talking.
My entire world had changed so quickly I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I didn’t have a boyfriend or a band. Suddenly, I had my family back . . . and E was gone.
We drove for nearly three hours and only stopped to get gas and a bite to eat. I didn’t say a word to Jenny, but she didn’t seem to mind the silence between us.
We turned off on a tree-lined street with small, two-story houses lining the way. The car slowed and pulled off in front of a pale blue home with white shutters. I looked over at Jenny.
She smiled brightly at me. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
I nodded and she slipped out of the driver’s side as I opened my door and pushed to my feet. I groaned and stretched as I stared at the house.
Jenny came to my side and linked her arm in mine as she had at the hospital. “Come on.”
I reluctantly walked toward the front door and waited for Jenny to open it and step inside.
“Mom?” she called out as I followed her in. The house was small but clean, and the walls were lined with pictures. My eyes danced over then as I examined how sad I had looked as a child.
“Jenny, have you brought her home?” a familiar voice called from another room, and I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed my mother until I heard her voice for the first time in too many years.
“Come on.” Jenny’s eyes lit up and she headed down a narrow hallway. She paused at a closed door and looked to me before pushing it open.
As I stepped inside, my eyes scanned the bedroom. It was pale pink and the curtains were white lace. The sun shone through the curtains, covering the walls with a crazy shadowy pattern. My eyes fell to the bed, with a matching pink blanket, and my mother propped up with pillows. She looked so much older, and almost frail. She was bedridden from a bad case of the flu. Jenny said my mother’s health had deteriorated over the years, but it didn’t prepare me for seeing her, once so beautiful and active, now so much older and weak.
“Mom?” I could barely hear my own voice.
“I’ve missed you so much, Sarah.” She held out her arms and I ran to her, overwhelmed by too many emotions, falling over her chest as I hugged her and cried happy tears for the first time since I could remember.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“I’m so sorry, too . . . so sorry.” She was sobbing as well. “But why didn’t you come home? You could have always come home, Sarah.”
Then her eyes danced over the red lines that marred my arms.
“I was scared. I didn’t know Phil was gone. I didn’t know if you would believe me. I figured you would want me gone anyway when you found out. . . . I felt guilty, like I had done something wrong.” My voice trailed off.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She put her hands on my cheeks and looked straight into my eyes. “I thought all this time you blamed me. Sarah, you and Jenny mean more to me than the world. I would have protected you, sweet girl. I swear I had no idea.”
“I know you didn’t, and I didn’t ever blame you. I just didn’t know how to deal with everything, so I ran.”
“I tried to find you, but after a while the police assumed you . . . that something had happened. You didn’t make it easy. Without credit cards or anything of that nature, you had just vanished.”
“I thought about coming home so many times, but I didn’t know that Phil was gone, and after a while I couldn’t look you in the eye after just leaving like that. I know I put you through hell. I’m so sorry for all of this.”
“It’s okay now. I have you back.”
“I’m so sorry for leaving you, Mom.”
“Life is too short. I’m just thankful for today.” She pulled me down against her and Jenny’s arms slid over my back as she joined our hug.
43
ERIC
YOU SURE ABOUT this?” Tuck asked me for the hundredth time. I rolled my eyes as I grabbed Sarah’s guitar. The guys had packed up all my belongings from my room and moved them to a new hotel after the incident.
“You know I am.”
“We support you no matter what you decide to do, but it won’t be the same without you.”
“It’s only a few months. I’ll be back in time for the next tour.”
Cass made sure I had all of my belongings before we said our good-byes. “Don’t forget about us,” she said as she hugged me.
“Not possible,” I replied as I hugged each of the twins.
“Stay out of trouble,” Tuck said with a laugh.
“I’ll do my best, but no promises.”
I looked at the band one last time before I turned and left. This escape was long overdue. I dumped my bags into the back of my waiting rental car and pulled off into traffic. I pulled out my new cell phone that I had picked up yesterday and flipped through the contacts. I found Jenny’s number and typed out a quick text as I stopped at a red light.
How did it go?
She’s handling it well. She misses you.
I tossed my phone on the dash as traffic began to move and cranked up the radio. I had my own healing to do and I needed to start getting my life together if I ever wanted to have a future with someone else.
I DROVE FOR hours, not stopping to sleep until my eyes burned and I could no longer focus. I pulled off at an old truck stop and slept in the driver’s seat of the car until the sun blinded me through the wind-shield. I sat up, groaning as I watched people walking in and out of the gas station.
I pulled back out onto the highway and continued on my trip across the country. I only stopped for food and fuel, burning away the daylight.
As night fell, I finally allowed myself to think about Sarah. I had been trying to push her from my thoughts. It was too painful. As f**ked-up as this trip had been, she was finally in a better place in her life. I hoped to be able to get myself to that point as well. I had carried demons with me for too many years. I wanted to move on and finally be able to be happy. That would start with confronting the past. If Sarah could do it, so could I.
I stared off at my house in eastern Tennessee. The yard now had a stone border around it at least three feet high. I could still see it as it was that day my brother was killed. I got out of the car and walked up to the edge of the property as the front door opened. My mother stood in the entrance with her hand over her mouth as if she had just seen a ghost.
“Mike!” she called over her shoulder, and my father soon appeared behind her. I walked around the stone wall and slowly made my way up the driveway. My mother practically fell down the steps as she ran to meet me. I lifted her in the air as I held her, my eyes slowly opening and landing on my father. He nodded and I returned the gesture as I set my mother back down.
“Are you here to stay?” she asked excitedly.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “No, Ma. I have things to handle in California. I’m just here for a visit.” I didn’t need to tell them about my community service. This was more for closure and not to catch up.
“Son,” my dad said with another nod. He had lost weight, but he didn’t look as healthy. I guess years of carrying around guilt will do that to you.
“Let’s get you something to eat. Are you hungry?” my mother asked as she made her way to the front door.
“I could eat,” I said, and followed her inside.
WE TALKED FOR hours as I told my mother about the band and how much my life had changed. She seemed genuinely proud, and even my father didn’t have anything rude to say about my career choice.
Afterward I went down the hallway and pushed open the door to my brother’s room. It looked as if it hadn’t been touched since that day, but not a speck of dust was to be found, so I knew my mother spent a lot of time in there.
“It never gets easier,” my father said from behind me. I nodded but didn’t respond. He was right. Instead of accepting what had happened, I’d carried the guilt around with me like a scarlet letter, keeping myself from being able to move past it.
“I am sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I know you probably don’t want to hear anything from me, but I had thought about this moment for years. When you left, I realized what I had done. I pushed you away as I drowned in my own grief. I never realized how much grief you carried. I didn’t make life easy on you. After you didn’t come home, we had to mourn the loss of both our sons. I deserved it. I know that, but your mother . . .” He shook his head as he ran his hand over his forehead. “You can’t run out on her again. She won’t be able to take it.”
I nodded, knowing he was right. Mom hadn’t deserved what I put her through. She had no more control over my dad than I did.
“I couldn’t stay.” I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat.
“No one blames you. Not for what happened and not for leaving.”
My eyes met his. The sadness I had seen on that painful day now filled his eyes again. All these years I thought he hadn’t loved me. All these years I carried the burden of being the one who should have died. That painful guilt began to ease from my chest as I looked into his eyes.
“I should have saved him.” I shook my head, begging the tears not to fall.
“Is that why you wanted to join the army? You wanted to make up for not saving him?”
“Maybe.” I shrugged and ran my hand over my hair as I took a deep breath. “Or I would have died trying. I know it wouldn’t have brought him back, but it was the only way I could make things right.”
My father took a heavy step toward me, his body crashing into mine as he shook. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and I squeezed my eyes closed as the tears fell from my lashes. I slowly raised my arms and wrapped them around my father’s back, a moment years overdue.
“I was a shitty father and a shitty husband.”
“You’re only human, Dad.” For years I had built my father up to be a monster, but I knew now that he didn’t know how to handle his grief. It didn’t excuse the past, but it was something we could work forward from and I wanted that more than anything. He patted my back hard as he pulled back from our embrace.
“I am glad you are my son.” His voice was barely a whisper as he struggled to contain his composure. He turned and left the room without another word.
But for now, that was enough. It was all I needed to start to be able to heal. I closed my brother’s door and made my way into my bedroom. It looked frozen in time. I grabbed my football from the dresser and tossed it in my hands as my eyes scanned an old cork-board that hung on the wall. It was full of drawings I had done over the years. The walls were still pea green, but it looked as if someone had repainted them over the years. My eyes danced over the rock posters that lined the walls, and I had to laugh at how much my taste in music had changed over the years. I pushed up the window behind my bed to let some fresh air in, a window that I had used to sneak out more times than I could count.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent Cass a text.
In the twilight zone.
How is it going?
I’ll live.
I shoved my phone back in my pocket and lay down on my bed, finally letting my exhaustion take over. I knew things with my family were far from fixed, but I was no longer going to run from my problems. It was time to be a man. Being in jail and watching Sarah nearly die had put everything in perspective for me. Being her friend had given me someone to share my problems with, but it was more than that. She gave me the courage to face my past and hope for the future. I wanted to live up to the person she saw when she looked at me. She had no idea how much I appreciated having her in my life. I hated when she left after the tour, but I was willing to let her go and try to move on if she was happy. After she came back, it made me realize that not only hadn’t things changed in her life, but I didn’t ever want her to leave again. It killed me inside to see her world spiral out of control and not be able to stop it all from crashing down.
I wouldn’t let her down again, I couldn’t. She needed me now as much as I needed her. My next breath whispered her name and my heart beat to the sound of our song.
I was completely and un-fucking-believably in love with her.
44
SARAH
I’D FALLEN INTO a routine with my sister and mom over the last two weeks. I took over grocery shopping because Jenny sucked at it and I didn’t think I could live off mac and cheese for too much longer. My mom needed something healthier anyway.
After I returned to the house from the grocery store today, I began to cook dinner. I didn’t know how to make much so I stuck with spaghetti. Jenny said she was going to invite a friend over so I made two boxes, which turned out to be a ridiculous amount of food.
Mom was out of bed and feeling better after a bad case of the flu. She helped roll out meatballs and talked about life as if I had only stepped out for a day. It was nice feeling that I belonged somewhere, but I still missed my friends.
“That smells amazing!” Jenny grabbed her purse and headed for the front door.