The moving finger writes, and having writ
Moves on. Nor all your piety and wit
Can call it back to cancel half a line
Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.
I had tried hard to blame myself for Estrellita Rivera, but in a certain sense it wouldn't stick. I had been drinking, certainly, but not heavily, and my overall marksmanship that night could not be faulted. And it was proper for me to shoot at the robbers. They were armed, they were fleeing from one killing already, and there were no civilians in the line of fire. A bullet ricocheted. Those things happen.
Part of the reason I left the force was that those things happen and I did not want to be in a position where I could do wrong things for right reasons. Because I had decided that, while it might be true that the end does not justify the means, neither do the means justify the end.
And now I had deliberately programmed Henry Prager to kill himself.
I hadn't seen it that way, of course. But I couldn't see that it made too much difference. I had begun by pressuring him into attempting a second murder, something he would never have done otherwise. He had killed Spinner, but if I had simply destroyed Spinner's envelope I'd have left Prager with no need ever to kill again. But I'd given him reason to try, and he had tried and failed, and then he'd been backed into a corner and chosen, impulsively or deliberately, to kill himself.
I could have destroyed that envelope. I had no contract with Spinner. I'd agreed only to open the envelope if I failed to hear from him. I could have given away the whole three thousand instead of a tenth of it. I had needed the money, but not that badly.
But Spinner had made a bet, and he'd turned out a winner. He had spelled it all out: "Why I think you'll follow through is something I noticed about you a long time ago, namely that you happen to think there is a difference between murder and other crimes. I am the same. I have done bad things all my life but never killed anybody and never would. I have known people who have killed which I've known for a fact or a rumor and would never get close to them. It is the way I am and I think that you are that way too…"
I could have done nothing, and then Henry Prager would not have wound up in a body bag. But there is a difference between murder and other crimes, and the world is a worse place for the murderers it allows to walk unpunished, as Henry Prager would have walked had I done nothing.
There should have been another way. Just as the bullet should not have ricocheted into a little girl's eye. And try telling all that to the moving finger.
Mass was still going on when I left. I walked a couple of blocks, not paying much attention to where I was, and then I stopped at a Blarney Stone and took communion.
IT was a long night.
The bourbon kept refusing to do its job. I moved around a lot, because every bar I hit had one person in it whose company put me on edge. I kept seeing him in the mirror and taking him with me wherever I went. The activity and the nervous energy probably burned off a lot of the alcohol before it had a chance to get to me, and the time I spent walking around was time I could have more profitably spent sitting in one place and drinking.
The kind of bars I chose had something to do with keeping me relatively sober. I usually drink in dark quiet places where a shot is two ounces, three if they know you. Tonight I was hitting Blarney Stones and White Roses. The prices were considerably lower but the shot glasses were small, and when you paid for an ounce that's what you got, and even so it was apt to be about 30 percent water.
At one place on Broadway they had the basketball game on. I watched the last quarter on a big color set. The Knicks were down by a point when the quarter started, and wound up dropping it by twelve or thirteen. That was the fourth game for the Celtics.
The guy next to me said, "And next year they lose Lucas and DeBusschere, and Reed's knees are still gonna be shit, and Clyde can't do it all, so where the fuck are we?"
I nodded. What he said sounded reasonable to me.
"Even at the end of three, dead even for three periods, and they got Cowens and What's-his-name with five fouls, and then they can't find the basket. I mean, they don't fucking try, you know?"
"Must be my fault," I said.
"Huh?"
"They started falling apart when I started watching. It must be my fault."
He looked me over and backed off a step. He said, "Easy, guy. I didn't mean nothing."
But he'd read me wrong. I'd been absolutely serious.
I wound up at Armstrong's, where they pour perfectly fine drinks, but by then I'd lost my taste for it. I sat in the corner with a cup of coffee. It was a quiet night, and Trina had time to join me.
"I kept a weather eye open," she said, "but saw of him neither hide nor hair."
"How's that?"
"The cowboy. Just my cute little way of saying he hasn't been around tonight. Wasn't I supposed to keep watch, like a good Junior G-Man?"
"Oh, the Marlboro man. I thought I saw him tonight."
"Here?"
"No, earlier. I've been seeing a lot of shadows tonight."
"Is something wrong?"
"Yeah."
"Hey." She covered my hand with one of hers. "What's the matter, baby?"
"I keep finding new people to light candles for."
"I don't get you. You're not drunk, are you, Matt?"
"No, but not for lack of trying. I have had better days." I sipped coffee, put the cup down on the checkered cloth. I took out Spinner's silver dollar-correction, my dollar, I'd bought and paid for it-and I gave it a spin. I said, "Last night somebody tried to kill me."
"God! Around here?"
"A few doors down the block."
"No wonder you're-"
"No, that's not it. This afternoon I got even. I killed a man." I thought she would take her hand from atop mine, but she didn't. "I didn't exactly kill him. He stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. A little Spanish gun, they truck them in by the ton from the Carolinas."
"Why do you say you killed him?"