I numbly turned my head to look over at Kellan. Would he be mad at me for that? Would he be mad at me for not talking to Denny today? Surely he could understand how hard this was for me. Meeting his gaze however, I only saw love in his eyes.
He grabbed my hand under the table and started talking, as if we had been on a date the entire evening and my boyfriend had not just thoroughly kissed me and left the bar.
"I was wondering...since you probably don't want to take me home to your parents yet," he paused and looked at me meaningfully, "which I completely understand." He smiled. "Maybe you'd like to spend winter break with me here? Or we could go up to Whistler? Canada is beautiful and..." He stopped and looked at me curiously. "Do you ski?" He shook his head, not waiting for a response from me, which was good, since I couldn't form words yet. "Well, if not...we don't have to leave our room." He grinned wickedly at me.
I was staring at his blue eyes and I was hearing his words...but I wasn't seeing him, and I wasn't absorbing what he was saying, other than he wanted to spend winter break with me. Unknowingly, he was asking me the same thing Denny just had. Kellan continued going on and on about what we could do in Canada and I tuned him out.
My mind started thinking about what Denny had asked in the car. Denny wanted to take me home with him to meet his parents, before we moved over there. Only, that wasn't the plan any more. We would be over by then, we would be over soon, and he would go home alone. I swallowed painfully and my mind tortured me, by allowing every memory I had of him to flood through me.
I remembered our first meeting. He had been smiling at all the students as they walked in and my breath caught when I saw him. I blushed slightly and looked down when his smile turned to me. The professor had him pass out some papers to the class, and as I was sitting on the edge of the row, he handed me a large stack to pass down to the others beside me.
"Hello. Enjoying the class so far?" he said quietly, and the surprise over hearing his delightful accent, and honestly, having his attractive face so close to mine, had caused me to clumsily drop the entire stack of papers to the floor.
"I'm so sorry," I said, as I knelt down beside him to help him pick them up, my face surely bright red.
"It's okay," he said sweetly. When we were all finished, he stuck his hand out. "My name's Denny Harris."
I blushed again and shook his hand. "Kiera...Allen," I mumbled.
He helped me stand up and carefully re-handed me the stack. "It's nice to meet you, Kiera." He had said it warmly, and even now I remembered the thrill of hearing his accent curl around my name that first time. I hadn't been able to take my eyes off of him after that day. I'd had to work extra hard paying attention in that class.
I remembered our first date. He had asked me one afternoon in the quad. I had been completely surprised and definitely eager. I tried to keep a smooth face though, as I'd casually said "sure". He picked me up that night and we went to a very nice restaurant overlooking the river. He suggested something good to eat, but let me make my own choice. He never even let me see the bill, and we had an amazingly easy conversation all throughout dinner. Afterwards he held my hand, and we walked down the sidewalk talking casually, neither one of us wanting the evening to end. When it did end, he walked me to my door and gave me the softest, sweetest kiss that anyone had ever given me. I think I fell for him on that night.
My awareness jerked back to the present when Kellan asked me a question, and I didn't respond right away. I finally heard the question on his second attempt. "Kiera...did I lose you?" I blushed, realizing I had no idea what he'd been talking about. He was still sweetly stroking my hand with his thumb, but was looking at me concernedly. "Are you all right? Do you want to go home?"
I nodded, still feeling unable to speak. We stood and he led me with a hand comfortingly on my back to the side exit in the gate. Immediately upon seeing the parking lot, I looked for Denny's car where he had parked it. It was gone...he was really gone. Unintentionally, I glanced over to the fateful espresso stand. Kellan noticed my gaze and squeezing my hand, looked down on me, smiling softly as the gate closed behind us. But seeing the stand didn't take my mind back to Kellan, and our night of tortured bliss. It took me back to a simpler, purer time...with Denny.
I remembered our first time together...my first time ever. We had been dating for two months. For a guy in his early twenties, that was an eternity, but he never pushed me. We would kiss and do...other things...for as long as I wanted, but the second I pushed him away, he happily retreated. He never once made me feel guilty about it, which of course, had only made me want him more. He knew it was my first time and he made it special for me. He rented a cabin and we had spent a long winter weekend there. Our first time had been the stuff of movie magic - warm fireplace, soft blankets, and quiet music. He took his time with me, making sure I was completely comfortable with every step...which I was. He had been so amazingly gentle and tender, it hadn't even hurt. Afterwards, he'd held me tight to his chest, and told me that he loved me for the first time and I, of course, started to cry and told him that I loved him too...which promptly led to our second time.
Back in the real world, Kellan was leading me to his car. He was still talking softly to me. His topic had changed to what we could do this summer. "After high school, I hitch-hiked down the Oregon coast. That's actually how I met Evan. Anyway, we should go, you would love it. There are these caves..."
I tuned him out. Step after step was barraging me with more heartfelt memories of Denny.
We took two steps towards the car - memories of birthdays, the latest being my twenty-first, when he had taken me to a local bar and sweetly held my hair back when I got very, very ill. Memories of Christmases past, at my parent's house, snuggled on his lap watching my family exchange gifts. Memories of a dozen red roses given to me on Valentine's Day...and my birthday...and our anniversary, all with the sweetest goofy grin on his face.
Another step - memories of getting food poisoning, and having him wipe my forehead with a cold rag and bring me water. Memories of him trying out new recipes on me, most of them really good, a couple astoundingly bad. Memories of snuggling in his bed and watching a movie. Memories of studying together for school...and promptly making out instead.
Another few steps - more current memories of traveling across the country in his beat-up car, tossing fries at each other, playing the license plate alphabet game for hours, singing along with the radio and thoroughly enjoying the twangy country songs through the mid-west, taking a quick dip in an ice cold river to freshen up, making love in his car at an empty rest stop.
One more step - walking along the pier, falling asleep with him on the couch, dancing together at the bar, him sappily calling me his heart...