“If you’re afraid we might fall into bed, we already did.”
“That doesn’t mean we should make it a repeat performance.”
When he stood, they were separated by only a few inches. “Why not? Maybe if you let your guard down next time, you might actually enjoy it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, but the scowl that accompanied those words was a mask. He saw the truth beneath it, knew he’d hit a nerve.
He ran a finger down her cheek. “You stopped me every time I did something you really liked. Why?”
Stepping back, she fastened her coat and tied the belt. “I was just trying to…trying to-”
“Sabotage your own pleasure?”
“No!” She headed for the door.
“I think that’s exactly what you were doing,” he called after her. “Then you could convince yourself that you’re not really missing anything.”
“Stop it! You…you’re wrong.” She reached for the door handle. He expected her to open it and leave, but she didn’t. She turned back to face him as if she was going to argue some more-and met him in the middle of the room instead. Then she was kissing him as hungrily as he’d ever been kissed.
This time Sebastian swore he wouldn’t treat her as though she might shatter. Pushing her against the wall, he claimed her mouth as he’d longed to claim it last night and knew it was okay when she clenched her hands in his hair, pulling him even closer, and moaned deep in her throat. At last she was letting go, allowing her body to do what came naturally.
“That’s it,” he murmured. “No need to hold back.” Then he slid her skirt up to her waist.
Thirteen
A torrent of sensation began to roll through Jane, as powerful as the thunder shaking the sky outside. Only this time she embraced it, refused to acknowledge the hesitation, fear and worry that had inhibited her before. She didn’t care what happened after this. With their bodies, she and Sebastian were fighting the memories and the pain-raging against the sorrows of the past.
Except for her panties, she had her clothes on, but she’d never felt more naked, more exposed, as she leaned against that wall. Sebastian was driving into her like the wind and rain beating at the window and touching her at the same time, touching her in a way that made her pleasure escalate until she could scarcely breathe. All her energy traveled into the very center of her body, and it encompassed every last nerve, every secret part of her, every unfulfilled desire, everything she’d lost…
“Jane…” There was a warning note in Sebastian’s voice, but she was too caught up to heed it. She wouldn’t let anything intrude, not this time.
“Don’t stop!” she gasped and arched into him.
He forgot about whatever he was about to say and complied. When she cried out, he answered with a growl of masculine satisfaction, and Jane opened her eyes to witness his expression. For a split second, he watched her with feral intensity, then his eyelids slid closed…
It wasn’t until he carried her to the bed and they both lay on it, exhausted, that it occurred to her-they hadn’t used any birth control.
“Oh, no,” she whispered as she stared at the boxes on the nightstand. Now she understood what he’d been trying to tell her during that brief hesitation.
“What’s wrong?” He sounded as satiated as she was.
When she didn’t answer, he rose up on his elbows. That was when his expression grew wary, alarmed. “Jane?”
She couldn’t react immediately. Visions of the life she’d so carefully reconstructed swam before her. Kate. Her job. Her self-respect. Her in-laws. Her touchy relationship with her sister-in-law. If she got pregnant, she’d just confirm Wendy’s belief that she hadn’t changed at all…
Cool resolve suddenly masked Sebastian’s panic. “Don’t worry about it. It was my fault. I convinced you to let go,” he said, but she knew he was only being a gentleman. He’d tried to stop before it was too late, and she’d said no. She’d been too carried away. She was finally enjoying herself, finally releasing her inhibitions, so he’d continued-because she’d asked him to.
Embarrassed by the frantic greed that’d taken hold of her, she covered her face. What if she got pregnant? At forty-six? Aside from all the other reasons a baby would be a catastrophe, at this age there were added risks involved with pregnancy, risks she didn’t want to take.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asked tentatively.
Sheer terror. But she told herself to relax. It was an isolated incident. Surely one irresponsible act in five years was nothing to worry about.
“Hello?” He snapped his fingers in front of her face. “You still with me?”
She dropped her hands to find him watching her closely. Even if she did get pregnant, she couldn’t hold him responsible. She’d initiated this. Then she’d pushed him beyond the point of no return. “Nothing. I’m just…relaxing.”
His gaze cut uncertainly between her and the condoms. “You don’t seem too relaxed. Is the lack of birth control a potential problem?”
She curled her fingernails into her palms. “Only because it’s not safe to…you know…be unprotected.”
He grew very serious. “I told you, I’m clean. I swear it.”
“Right.” She attempted a smile. “Me, too.”
“So…is there any chance?” he pressed.
Her hope that he’d had a vasectomy at some point in his life before meeting her was destroyed. “No. I had the doctors do something, uh, permanent after Kate was born.”
It was a lie but apparently he bought it. Releasing his breath, he sagged in relief. “You scared the shit out of me,” he said with a laugh.
She got off the bed to search for the panties he’d thrown aside, which was the perfect excuse to pretend she was focused on something else. “You hid it pretty believably.”
He didn’t respond to the comment. “God, that was great!” he said, his smile once again genuine.
“Yeah, it was fun.” Standing around the corner, where he couldn’t see her, she slipped her underwear back on. “But I’d better get to work.”
He fixed his own clothes while watching her smooth her skirt into place and tighten her belt. “I’ll call you,” he said.
Immediately switching to business, as if that was the only reason he’d have to call her, she nodded. “Let me know if you get anywhere with Wesley. I’ll be visiting the Indian casinos today, asking around. Maybe I’ll get lucky and come up with someone who’s seen him or knows when he usually comes in.”