“Face the window and hold on to the cords,” he said, walking to stand behind me. “It’s going to be hard and fast.”
By that time, I wanted it hard and fast. And painful. I needed the physical pain to help me release the emotional turmoil of the previous night. It was the only way I’d be able to forgive myself. It was so difficult to describe, even to myself, but I needed to cry. And I needed him to be the one to ensure it happened.
I took a cord in each hand, pressed my forehead against the curtains covering the window, and waited. I heard him take a deep breath and then he started. There was no warm-up, just stroke after stroke along my backside and upper thighs. The first blow made me gasp and tears filled my eyes by the fifth.
Unlike the way he normally flogged me, there was no pleasure, no blissful subspace to help me transform the pain into pleasure. As the flogger fell, it was as if he was giving me his pain. And giving me that pain allowed me to understand how I had hurt him. I took it willingly, knowing that when it was over, we’d both have found absolution.
Though the strokes were fast, the session itself was not and by the time he dropped the flogger, my backside felt like it was on fire and my face was soaked with tears. He oh so gently pried my fingers from the cords and lifted me into his arms. I buried my head in his chest. With determined steps, he carried me out of the living room and into the bedroom.
We left Delaware the next day. The tension from that one night lessened, but didn’t dissolve completely. That in and of itself was strange. Always before we’d found our footing following a discipline session. On top of that, before we took our seats on the jet back to New York, he took my collar off and, for the first time, I didn’t mourn its loss. I didn’t quite know what to do with that knowledge. Nathaniel seemed to be just as perplexed; he held the platinum choker for a few extra seconds, just looking at it.
I simply went to my seat and buckled myself in.
He sat down beside me. “Are we going to talk about this?”
I closed my eyes. “Not right now, I’m tired.”
“You can sleep if you want to, but we’re going to discuss it eventually.”
Maybe, I thought. But I was going to put it off for as long as possible. I wanted to think about things for myself before we discussed them as a couple.
When we arrived at home, the kids were waiting for us and there was no time for anything but hugs, kisses, and did-you-bring-me-anythings for the rest of the night. Nathaniel went into work early the next morning and I started writing blog posts.
Meagan called around ten thirty.“Hey, girl,” she said. “How’d the week go?”
“It had its ups and downs.” I certainly wasn’t going to be writing or blogging about the incident with Charlene and what followed. I didn’t even feel like discussing it at the moment.
“Mmm,” she hummed and I had the feeling she wasn’t really paying attention. “Listen, I know you just got back from being out of town, but is there any way you could get here by this afternoon?”
“What?”
“There’s been some restructuring of the program. Hell, we’ve been in meetings for a solid two days. Nothing that concerns you, but your name came up last night and I said I’d see if you could come in.”
My heart pounded. Had it been a good thing when my name came up or was I being fired? Would they bring me in to fire me? Couldn’t they do that over the phone?
“What’s the deal with me coming in? Can’t I join through video or phone?”
Meagan spoke to someone, but it sounded muffled; she must have placed her hand over the phone. “The thing is, Mr. Black is leaving this evening for a trip to LA. He wants to see you before he goes.”
Mr. Black was CEO of NNN. To be honest, I was shocked he’d even heard my name. I knew him only by name and reputation. But I knew enough to realize that when he wanted a meeting with you, you didn’t just blow him off.
“Just for this afternoon?” I asked, trying to decide if I should remain in the city overnight. “No chance I’ll need to be there tomorrow?”
“I don’t think so. We’re all really keen on getting this taken care of and agreed upon by the time he leaves.”
“Give me twenty minutes. I’ll call you back.”
I drummed my fingertips on the table. The only thing to do was to see if Linda could keep the kids. I hated asking her to watch them again so soon after she’d already done so for a week, but the truth was she wouldn’t mind. Nathaniel and I had decided when the kids were born that we wouldn’t hire a nanny or au pair. Perhaps it was time to rethink that decision.