His forehead puckered, and he tilted his head. “If you’d never met Landon…”
I sipped my coffee, cringing a little at the bitterness. “Right?”
“You said that first.”
I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. “He never told you.”
“Told me…?” He shook his head.
I laughed softly. “I met Landon when I was seventeen. My dad was working on a Gremlin-sponsored event, he’d just taken over that division, and Landon was boarding—competing. I wasn’t good enough, of course, but I met him in Aspen over Christmas while we were on the slopes at a Gremlin competition.”
“But you met me in February at the skate park.”
I smiled. “Put it together, Wilder.”
His mouth dropped slightly. “You knew him first.”
I nodded. “Yes. I knew him first. We had that whole week together, but I wouldn’t give him my number. My dad was way against extreme athletes, given what he does, and Landon…”
“He’s the most extreme of us all.”
“Exactly.”
“And your dad is fucking scary,” he said.
“It’s that I-control-the-Gremlin-sponsorship-money thing.”
“It’s the I-know-how-to-use-a-gun-because-I-used-to-be-in-the-military thing.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that. So I returned home, and I met you…”
“Landon was gone most of that spring for competitions,” he said, filling in the gaps to himself. “Even then he was dreaming about getting to the Himalayas.”
“And when he walked into your house when he got back and I saw him…well…the rest is history. We never meant for it to happen. I swear. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s the truth. We talked a lot about our feelings, your feelings…but…”
He rubbed his hand over his forehead. “I get it. I don’t want to get it, but I do. If Leah had been with someone else, nothing would have stopped me. That kind of need is a force of nature. Why didn’t he tell me that he knew you?”
“Then? Because you were happy. He thought if he told you, you’d see right through us…and that was before anything had happened yet. It’s exactly what you said, a need. Animal, primal, and something neither of us could ever ignore.”
“Why not after? Why would he carry that?”
“My guess is that he refused to lessen his burden. He broke you, broke the team, and then broke me. Landon’s always been good at torturing himself. I’m just… I’m so sorry about what we did to you. It wasn’t right, and we hurt everyone in the process.”
That sharp look in his eyes he’d had since the day we were found out faded. “It was nothing compared to what I did to you guys. Everything he’s become…it’s because of me, because I made him choose between you and our team. If I had to walk away from Leah, I’d be the same kind of hollow shell, but I’d never—” He paled.
“It’s okay,” I said. “You’d never walk away from Leah. She’s good and honest and brings out the best in people. I’m not Leah, and Landon walked away. I think he always will.”
That’s what it came down to. Knowing that it didn’t matter what he’d done, my soul would always reach for his, my body would always crave what I knew only he could give me. I knew that all with the certainty that if he were forced to choose between the Renegades and me, he’d walk again.
“Rachel, that’s not—”
“Rachel Dawson?” a young nurse asked.
“That’s me!” I said, standing up and sloshing coffee on the floor. “Shit,” I mumbled.
“Go, I got it,” Wilder said.
“You’ll be okay?”
“I’m fine. Leah should be here soon.”
We locked eyes for a second, and it was easy to see why I’d been with Wilder in the first place. It was such a weird dynamic between us all with our history. But even as beautiful as Wilder was, he had nothing on Landon’s hazel eyes, the way he turned me on with just a raised eyebrow, or how he’d set my body on fire with a touch. It wasn’t just Landon’s body or face that made him spectacular—it was the effect he had on me. I’d liked Wilder, but I’d loved Landon.
Because Wilder wasn’t meant to be mine, and I was never really his. But Landon…
“Go,” he said softly, like he could read my mind. “Go to Landon.”
I gave him a smile and then followed the nurse, nearly running to get to Landon. She led me down a series of hallways.
“How is he?” I asked.
“Awake,” she answered with kind eyes. “Your other friend is in surgery.”
Relief sang through me, letting precious air fill my lungs fully for the first time since I watched the mountain consume him.
“He is here,” the nurse said, opening the door for me.
“Landon?” I asked, coming into the sterile hospital room. The dying afternoon light was soft on his face.
“Hey, Rach,” he said, holding out his unbandaged arm.
I flew around the other side of his bed and hugged him tight, burying my nose in his neck.
“I’m okay,” he promised as I started to shake. “Rach…baby, don’t,” he whispered, but I couldn’t stop the tremors.
It felt like every ounce of adrenaline, bravery, whatever had kept me going all simply drained away, leaving my body unable to cope.