Noel took off his jacket and threw it to Mags. She caught it because she had good hands.
Noel looked good.
Long and pale. In dark red jeans that no one else would wear. In a T-shirt that would have hung on him last year.
He looked so good.
And she loved him so much.
And Mags couldn’t do it again.
She couldn’t stand across the room and watch Noel kiss someone else. Not tonight. She couldn’t watch somebody else get the kiss she’d been working so hard for, since the moment they’d met.
So, a few minutes before midnight, Mags scooped up a handful of Chex mix and acted like she was going into the hall. Like maybe she was going to the bathroom. Or maybe she was going to check the filter on the furnace.
Then she slipped out the back door. No one would think to look for her outside in the snow.
It was cold, but Mags still had Noel’s jacket, so she put it on. She leaned against the foundation of Alicia’s house and ate Alicia’s mom’s Chex mix—Mrs. Porter made the best Chex mix—and listened to the music.
Then the music stopped, and the counting started.
And it was good that Mags was out here, because it would hurt too much to be in there. It always hurt too much, and this year, it might kill her.
“Seven!”
“Six!”
“Mags?” someone called.
It was Noel. She recognized his voice.
“Margaret?”
“Four!”
“Here,” Mags said. Then, a little louder, “Here!” Because she was his best friend, and avoiding him was one thing, but hiding from him was another.
“Two!”
“Mags…”
She could see Noel then, in a shaft of moonlight breaking through the slats of the deck above her. His eyes had gone all soft, and he was raising his eyebrows.
“One!”
Mags nodded, and pushed with her shoulders away from the house, then Noel pushed her right back—pinning her as much as he was hugging her as much as he was crowding her against the wall.
He kissed her hard.
Mags hooked both arms around the back of his head, pressing their faces together, their chins and open mouths.
Noel held on to both of her shoulders.
After a few minutes—maybe more than a few minutes, after awhile—they both seemed to trust the other not to go.
They eased up.
Mags petted Noel’s curls, pushing them out of his face. Noel pinned her to the wall from his hips to his shoulders, kissing her to the rhythm of whatever song was playing inside now.
When he pulled away, she was going to tell him that she loved him; when he pulled away, she was going to tell him not to let go. “Don’t,” Mags said, when Noel finally lifted his head.
“Mags,” he whispered. “My lips are going numb.”
“Then don’t kiss,” she said. “But don’t go.”
“No…” Noel pushed away from her, and her whole front went cold. “My lips are going numb—were you eating strawberries?”
“Oh, God,” she said. “Chex mix.”
“Chex mix?”
“Cashews,” she said. “And probably other tree nuts.”
“Ah,” Noel said.
Mags was already dragging him away from the wall. “Do you have something with you?”
“Benadryl,” he said. “In my car. But it makes me sleepy. I’m probably fine.”
“Where are your keys?”
“In my pocket,” he said, pointing at her, at his jacket. His tongue sounded thick.
Mags found the keys and kept pulling him. His car was parked on the street, and the Benadryl was in the glove compartment. Mags watched Noel take it, then stood with her arms folded, waiting for whatever came next.
“Can you breathe?” she asked.
“I can breathe.”
“What usually happens?”
He grinned. “This has never happened before.”
“You know what I mean.”
“My mouth tingles. My tongue and lips swell up. I get hives. Do you want to check me for hives?” Wolfish.
“Then what?” she asked.
“Then nothing,” he said. “Then I take Benadryl. I have an EpiPen, but I’ve never had to use it.”
“I’m going to check you for hives,” she said.
He grinned again and held out his arms. She looked at them. She lifted up his striped T-shirt.… He was pale. And covered in goose bumps. And there were freckles she’d never known about on his chest.
“I don’t think you have hives,” she said.
“I can feel the Benadryl working already.” He dropped his arms and put them around her.
“Don’t kiss me again,” Mags said.
“Immediately,” Noel said. “I won’t kiss you again immediately.”
She leaned into him, her temple on his chin, and closed her eyes.
“I knew you’d save my life,” he said.
“I wouldn’t have had to save it if I didn’t almost kill you.”
“Don’t give yourself too much credit. It’s the tree nuts who are trying to kill me.”
She nodded.
They were both quiet for a few minutes.
“Noel?”
“Yeah?”
She had to ask him this—she had to make herself ask it: “Are you just being melodramatic?”
“Mags, I promise. I wouldn’t fake an allergic response.”
“No,” she said. “With the kiss.”
“There was more than one kiss.…”
“With all of them,” she said. “Were you just—embellishing?”
Mags braced for him to say something silly.
“No,” Noel said. Then, “Were you just humoring me?
“God. No,” she said. “Did it feel like I was humoring you?”
Noel shook his head, rubbing his chin into her temple.
“What are we doing?” Mags asked.
“I don’t know.…” he said eventually. “I know things have to change, but … I can’t lose you. I don’t think I get another one like you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Noel.”
“You are,” he said, squeezing her. “And it’s okay. Just … I need you to take me with you.”
Mags didn’t know what to say to that.
It was cold. Noel was shivering. She should give him his jacket.
“Mags?”
“Yeah?”
“What do you need?”
Mags swallowed.
In the three years she and Noel had been friends, she’d spent a lot of time pretending she didn’t need anything more than what he was already giving her. She’d told herself there was a difference between wanting something and needing it.…