* * * *
Christian waited impatiently in the studio the following morning. He’d been up most of the night working and finally had everything just the way he wanted it. As he waited, Christian took one more look around, happy with how everything looked.
He heard footsteps outside the studio door and he tensed, expecting to hear David’s key in the lock, but that didn’t happen, and the footsteps retreated down to the door of the other studio. So he continued to wait, checking the clock every few minutes and looking out the windows to watch the sidewalk. A full hour later, Christian finally heard footsteps approaching, and then the key slipped into the lock. Hurrying across the floor, Christian opened the apartment door, intent on going inside, but stopped himself. Good or bad, he needed to see David’s reaction. He’d hidden behind his own bravado and cowardliness for too long. Closing the door, he turned around and waited.
David entered the studio and walked over to the desk without turning on any of the lights. Christian watched as he booted up the computer, the light from the monitor illuminating David’s face. Christian didn’t move, and simply watched David work for a while. He’d done this a few times before, but this time he realized how fascinating David was and how close he’d come to losing him because of his own stupidity and fear. The clicking of the keyboard filled the room as David worked. After a while, Christian became inpatient and almost said something, but he knew he wanted David to see what he’d done naturally and unexpectedly, so he continued to wait, leaning against the door.
Christian’s eyes had drifted closed when he heard the wheels on the desk chair roll back and then footsteps. Opening his eyes, he waited, and then the lights flipped on. Christian heard a sharp intake of air as David gasped. Christian watched as David moved around the studio, looking at the pictures Christian had hung from every wall and pillar. There were even some suspended from the ceiling girders. “Where did these come from?” David asked softly.
“I took them when you weren’t looking,” Christian said, and he heard David squeak in surprise. “See, here’s you working at your desk. See your tongue between your teeth. You always do that when you’re puzzled about something. Then there’s this one with your eyes narrowed. That’s your ‘’disgustedly bemused with Christian’ face. I don’t remember what I’d done, but I’d do it again to see that expression.” Christian moved to yet another photograph, this one larger than most of the others. “This is your ‘so happy you forget to censor yourself’ face. I don’t get to see this very often. It’s sort of an endangered species and I’d like to make it breed and multiply, because it’s one of the most beautiful.” Christian took David’s hand and tugged him toward the largest picture of all. “This is my favorite, though.” Christian pulled aside one of the curtains that hid a huge picture of David’s face. “This one was by pure accident. We took it months ago while I was photographing that blonde porn star. One of the remote cameras was angled wrong, or in this case just right, because it captured your face a few times.” Christian stepped back, amazed at the desire and passion that showed in that one image. “I wish I knew exactly what you were looking at.”
David shifted his gaze from the picture to Christian. “I was looking at you.” David’s eyes traveled around the room. “Why did you take all these?”
“Because you fascinated me,” Christian explained. “You did since the first afternoon when you walked in here for the interview. I’ve had other assistants, and they assisted, but you sort of came in here and well… moved in. It took about a week and you were coming into my room to wake me up and remind me about appointments. You’d clean up after me when I drank too much trying to forget the feelings I had for my assistant. Feeling I knew I shouldn’t be having but couldn’t turn off.” Christian turned toward the far wall where he’d hung dozens of candid photographs of David. “I actually went out to the clubs a few weeks ago and this really tall, built guy wanted me to bring him home, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not?” David asked tentatively.
“He wasn’t you. I was talking to him but comparing him to you. When I would fuck one of the models, I was telling myself it was to get the picture I needed. It was easier and there were no strings. They were happy, and I got the pictures I wanted. I could even delude myself into thinking I was happy, but I wasn’t. At least not after you came waltzing through my studio door and turned everything on its ear.” Christian’s words had come tumbling out, and he stopped as he watched David’s expression turn to confusion.
“Then why did you say all that stuff the other day?” David stayed where he was, even taking a step backwards.
“I didn’t want to hurt you. I’ve never had any sort of relationship other than sex. I went out and met guys, and being an erotic photographer, the guys even came to me. I figured that I would hurt you if you stayed, and that was exactly what I did.” Christian sighed and looked around the room, realizing it was now or nothing. “I was scared, okay?” Christian admitted. ‘What if I’m no good at this relationship thing? What if we try and I still end up hurting you and getting hurt myself. Fucking I can do, I’ve had lots of practice, but loving someone and taking care of them, that I don’t know shit about.”
“It’s simple, Christian,” David said, taking a step forward. “You just follow your heart.” David stopped, and Christian saw him chewing lightly on his lower lip, worry in his eyes. “What is it you’re saying with all this?” David waved a hand around the room. ‘If you did this as some grand gesture so I’ll forgive you, then that’s fine. I forgive you. But you need to tell me what you expect.”
Christian moved closer, taking David’s hand. “I don’t know what to expect. I already messed up once, and I have no idea what I’m doing.” Christian confessed. “I just know that I’ve missed you and I want you to come back.”
“What is it you’ve missed?” David asked, and Christian felt him looking into his eyes. “Because if it’s just someone to wake you up and pick up after you, I suggest you hire a maid.”
“I missed you.” Christian smiled. “I missed you coming into my room to wake me up in time for an appointment. I missed seeing your face first thing in the morning, and I want that to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see at night.” Christian felt the words tumble out of him before he could stop them. “I want to take pictures of you each day until we’re both old, and maybe if I show you all of them you’ll believe that you really are beautiful. And I want to tell you that I love you, and have you know, not just believe, but feel and know without a doubt, that I mean it.”