I didn't have the heart to tell Count that my Grandfather's greatest talent, besides being in the right place at the right time, was embellishment. Granted, he did win a Bronze Star and he did write an obscure book on The Battle of the Bulge. I'm not sure about his claims of shaking Kennedy's hand. At Woodstock, Mom said he was a rent-a-cop. As far as Dwight Clarke's catch, I was with him. We had End Zone seats, except they weren't at Candlestick Park. We were at a sport's bar in San Francisco called The End Zone. "Did he mention he banged Marilyn Monroe?" I asked.
"He fucked Marilyn Monroe?" Count's face lit up.
I smiled and nodded my head.
"No he didn't." Count studied my face. "He did, didn't he?"
"After Joltin' Joe and before Arthur Miller."
"He fucked Marilyn Monroe - lucky bastard; I'd give my left nut, I'd give both my nuts. I'd mount my nuts on the mantel if I could pound a sex symbol. Jesus, I would have saved the rubber."
"I think he did. I'm almost positive. Ask him about it."
"No shit," his voice full of admiration. "You think he'd show it to me."
"If it ain't dry rotted."
"AWESOME," Count put his arm around me. "Your Grandfather fucked Marilyn Monroe. What a heritage; Jesus, my grandfather was barely couldn't tag my grandmother and yours pounded the most famous sex symbol of all time."
"What are you two queers up to," Steve Lucas chimed in as we walked up the Junior High's steps.
"His Grandfather banged Marilyn Monroe."
"Say again," Steve asked.
Ignoring Lucas, Count continued, "I can't believe he didn't tell us that last night."
"He won't in front of Flossy," I added.
"What a gentleman."
"Wait a second," Steve interjected. "Your Grandfather swapped DNA with Marilyn Monroe?" Steve was occasionally slow.
"That's the story," I said.
"Shut up shit head. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this." Count told Lucas as he held the door open.
"I know why he didn't tell you," Lucas said.
"Why?" Count asked.
"He caught the clap from her. It's like you finally get to eat at Shay Whitie's, you order Lobster tail and end up getting salmon vanilla."
"What the hell are you babbling about?" Count asked, eyebrows scrunching together.